Barnaby develops revolutionary new science of looking at people and guessing stuff
Barnaby Joyce has unveiled a revolutionary new approach to social science.
For years, researchers have wasted billions of dollars collecting data, conducting surveys, analysing trends and reviewing evidence. According to Joyce, all of that can now be replaced by standing outside an auction and having a bit of a look.
Commenting on Australia’s housing market, Joyce claimed that people who “look like” recent arrivals dominate property auctions.
Asked whether he had any evidence, Joyce clarified that evidence was unnecessary when people simply looked like they might have arrived recently, a standard of proof previously confined to UFO sightings, Facebook comments sections and conversations that begin with the words “I’m not racist, but…”
According to Joyce, his conclusions were reached after extensive field research involving standing outside auctions and identifying recent arrivals using a complex scientific process known as “having a bit of a guess.”
Experts say the breakthrough could transform modern society.
Economists have welcomed the discovery, noting that decades of complicated housing market analysis can now be replaced by staring at strangers and making snap judgements.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics is reportedly considering adopting the new methodology.
Under the proposed system, Australians would be classified into four official categories:
- Looks Australian
- Looks Sort Of Australian
- Might Be Australian But Hard To Tell
- Bought A House Therefore Obviously Foreign
By 2027, the Barnaby Method is expected to replace census forms entirely.
Census collector: “How many people live here?”
Barnaby: “No need to ask. I can tell by the curtains.”
The methodology has already shown promise in other fields.
After several minutes of careful observation at a local shopping centre, Joyce reportedly concluded that:
- Three people had chicken and avocado sandwiches for lunch last Tuesday.
- One man was thinking about buying a lawn mower.
- Two women had forgotten their Netflix passwords.
- A teenager in a blue shirt had once owned a guinea pig.
“It’s a gift,” he allegedly explained.
Universities are moving quickly to embrace the breakthrough.
Several institutions are expected to offer a Bachelor of Advanced Guessing next year, with students specialising in auction crowd interpretation, census collection by visual inspection and predicting lunch orders, star signs and tax returns from across a car park.
Critics have questioned whether looking at somebody and making assumptions about their background is actually a reliable research method.
Supporters disagree.
They point out that if you can identify a person’s migration history by looking at them from fifty metres away, working out what they had for lunch last Tuesday is really just the advanced course.
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Bad, bastard, banal, barking mad, batty, Barnaby, then add poking, joking, soaking oneself, cloaking motives, footpath ironing and of course, bludging for MONEY. There’s method in madness, and shit pays.
I must protest!! As a long suffering voter in the New England electorate, Roswell has assumed that Beetrooter actually works!! This is a common knowledge fallacy concocted by the Tamworth Notionals Re-election Committee to obfuscate the long standing rumours that Beetrooter only indulges in alcoholism, sexual harassment and misogyny.
However, there are reports that the recent evacuation by Beetrooter into the PHONeys was generated by a fresh lady Chairperson of that Committee withdrawing his automatic pre-selection, possibly to make way for repaying political favours to Bob Katter Snr.
Certainly, in his new PHONeys political sinecure Beetrooter has done nothing more than the nothing he has done for the past about 13 years.
When has Beetrooter ever ”just stood” outside a pub, when everybody knows that the beer taps are inside where the ladies may be touched up.
However, I am being ungracious to Roswell, who obviously believes the best of everybody, including a grazier who sits in the shade, drunk, claiming all the credit for the efforts of others, and whinges when caught out. Beetrooter is well placed among the PHONeys where his lack of policies and underachievement will fit perfectly with the lack of policies proposed or promoted by the leader James Ashby.
NEC, yes, he’s working. Looking at people. That is all.
Very good – very good! I love the photo especially.
So at tertiary level we’ll have:
DoG – Diploma of Guessing
Bog – Bachelor of Guessing
MoG – Master of Guessing
PhDoG – Philosophy Doctorate of Guessing
Represents a demographic in decline and with Abbott being platformed with Hanson to try nudge voters further right on immigration and clean energy.
Good luck, as one’s late relatives and south of Farrer were rusted on Nats &/or Libs, but lost it with both in short time when ‘governing’….
Liberal Elder and confirmed snob, Prue Goward, has for decades maintained she can pick out Labor voters at polling booths, just by what they are wearing.
@ Sully of Tuross: But can the said Goward pick out politicians who have purchased their political career by ”sucking up” to a Coalition PM to be nominated uncontested for pre-selection by that same PM?
What is it about New England voters that despite decades of non-parliamentary activities they still vote for him – and therefor what he actually represents. Are the elector’s choices so limited that this reprobate is deemed to be the only one suitable for public service in Canberra? Oh, I finally get it – they don’t want him on the streets of Armidale (literally), so they export him to Canberra where he can roam, rut, rant, ruminate without any sense of reverence. Meanwhile the streets of Armidale, once lined by flourishing private enterprises, are now frequented by disposed citizens struggling to make ends meet as they pass empty, locked shop fronts.
Hilarious, but absolutely spot on. Include ‘water report texting expert’ (“drip under pressure”) no wonder we are no longer the lucky country.
@ Mediocrates: After a lifetime of wondering about the disinterest instilled into agricultural persons of New England, I find that their preferences reflect their own personal values. Until the advent of television about 1975, the favourite sport was ”jumping the blanket”, a generously rousing occupation played during the 1950s wool boom in the Armidale pubs and later wherever.
The value of the personal compulsory preferential voting system was considered a ”nuisance” because the husband had to vote for the wife, who was home bare foot making lunch or dinner for ”her man”.
Funny how demanding that all voters attend to vote had a positive social impact because the following election the wives had organised a BBQ day out for the families, providing play time for neighbouring property kids and gossip time for adults.
The Beetrooter ”problem” is the extreme end of these values. Adultery, alcoholism, bullying, bigotry, corruption, deceit, egoism, fornication, racism, sexual harassment and misogyny are the staples of this community.
When agricultural persons, or small business owners or office managers are asked, “Would you employ an alcoholic, sexually harassing, labourer or shop assistant or copy-boy for $240,000 per year plus other expense perks?” there is only a guilty silence ….. and sometimes a concerned well ”My family has always voted for the NOtional$ that stand up for us farmers.”
But the NOtional$ have been deep in the pockets of the foreign owned multinational mining industry for decades, and in fact led the charge in that direction.
So now voting NOtional$ is just another way of insuring that New England clings to the dreams of their great-grandparents for a better world after WWI and get the electorate turned into a 19th century rural slum to make way in the 21st century for the clearances required by the miners.
But think of Beetrooters achievements during the past 13 years of representing the NOtional$ in New England …..
i) a Telstra telephone tower located on Aunty Gina property with the annual land rental adding to the profit margin of that enterprise;
ii) sleeping (alone) with a Canberra planter box while drunk and then starring on social media.
New England over the past 60 years has had a succession of representatives of the Notional$ who enjoy a drink or seven, a dalliance, and a profitable deal that may not be to the advancement of the best interests of the voters.
Some other data discussing the Beetrooter way of doing politics.
https://independentaustralia.net/politics/politics-display/oh-thats-just-barnaby-being-barnaby,21170
Adultery Anyone?: https://independentaustralia.net/politics/politics-display/the-not-so-honourable-barnaby-joyce-a-family-matter,11310
Adultery 2 and Deceit: https://independentaustralia.net/politics/politics-display/why-barnaby-joyces-private-life-is-a-matter-of-public-interest,10854#.Wnob0WD9ntQ.twitter