Pauline Hanson has had enough – again.
This time it’s not immigration, political correctness, or the United Nations plotting to steal your barbecue. No, the latest threat to Australian civilisation is the 25-cent recycled paper bag.
After one split open, the One Nation leader took to Facebook in righteous fury over the “flimsy” bag. Clearly there is a better alternative:
“Bring back plastic bags!” she demanded.
But why stop there? If we’re serious about restoring the Australia that once was, perhaps Pauline might say it’s time for a full-scale rollback.
Bring back the milkman, because it’s not proper milk unless it’s been sitting on the porch in the sun for three hours, curdling into a patriotic blancmange.
Bring back the imperial currency. Decimal money might be easier, but you can’t beat the thrill of trying to divide 17 shillings and 9 pence by three while buying a loaf of bread. Plus, there’s an added bonus: The silver coins were safe to put in the Christmas pudding: “There was nothing as good as finding a sixpence in your pudding and your sister cracking a tooth on a shilling.”
Bring back rabbit pelts and fox tails on car antennas – modern drivers lack the flair and roadkill craftsmanship of the old days. “You don’t see a good kangaroo pelt flapping on a Holden anymore,” I’ve heard people lament. “That’s what’s wrong with this country.”
Bring back the White Australia Policy – “It should never have been repealed.”
Bring back the fish and chip shop, the true seat of government before red tape, multiculturalism, and health inspectors conspired to destroy small business. “Back then, you could serve a proper battered flathead in peace without some bureaucrat telling you the oil’s too hot or the fish isn’t ‘sustainable’,” said Joe down the road, wiping away a tear.
And don’t get us started on modern appliances. Bring back the Hills Hoist, the only clothesline with the structural integrity to withstand a Queensland storm and double as a backyard trapeze for the kids. “These retractable wall-mounted things are a disgrace. They don’t even spin properly.”
Bring back the dunny out the back, too. “Indoor plumbing’s overrated. Nothing built character like a midnight sprint through the frost to a corrugated iron shed full of redbacks.” I’ve heard old blokes claim the decline in spider-bite resilience is directly linked to Australia’s moral decay.
This crusade doesn’t end with physical relics. Let’s demand the return of proper Australian slang. “None of this ‘buddy’ nonsense for everyone… Call a mate a mate, a drongo a drongo, and a wowser a wowser. And don’t even think about saying ‘pardner’ near me.” Someone needs to draft legislation to ban “Americanised” phrases like “y’all” and “chillin’” from schoolyards, proposing instead a return to “bonzer” and “she’ll be right” as legally mandated responses to any good news.
Let’s not stop there. Once Australians have been saved from paper bags, we can turn our attention to other national disasters – including metric measurements (“too European”), daylight savings (“confuses the cows”), and “those unpatriotic self-serve checkouts that conspire against you.” And QR code menus (“if I wanted to scan something, I’d be a librarian”), avocado toast (“it’s just green mush on bread”), and wind turbines (“they’re scaring the birds and ruining the vibe of the outback”).
How could we fund this nostalgic revolution? I propose a bold new tax on “woke” innovations including oat milk, electric cars, and Wi-Fi routers. “Every time someone buys a latte with a plant-based milk, they’re funding the downfall of Australia… That money should go to bringing back the VB stubby and proper incandescent light bulbs that don’t make your lounge room look like a hospital.”
When asked if a crusade to bring everything back might also include empathy, nuance, or evidence-based policy, the Senator reportedly replied:
“Please explain?”
Her supporters, however, are already rallying. At a recent One Nation rally in regional Queensland, attendees waved placards reading “Save Our Sixpence!” and “Ban the Barcode!” One enthusiast, wearing a cork hat adorned with bottle tops, told reporters, “Pauline’s right. Things were better when you could smoke in the pub, pay for your pie with a handful of coins, and not have to whisper ‘sustainable’ like it’s a secret password.”
As the campaign gathers steam, political analysts warn it could reshape the national conversation. “She’s tapping into a deep vein of nostalgia for a time that may or may not have existed,” said one Canberra insider. “But good luck explaining to her that the ‘good old days’ also included no internet, smallpox, and cars without seatbelts.”
Undeterred, Hanson is already planning her next move: a national petition to bring back the 2UE talkback radio jingle and reinstate lamingtons as the official national dessert. “If we don’t act now,” she warned, “we’ll all be eating kale smoothies and paying for groceries with cryptocurrency. And that’s not the Australia I know.”
Also by Roswell:
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Unfortunately this satire is very very close to the truth.
Hey Pauline – how about using washable re-usable bags?
I’m sure one of your minions will buy some from Temu for you …..
I heard that if Paween gets power she’s going to legislate that every car is to be a Holden or Ford and must have a pair of fluffy dice hanging from the rear view mirror and an eight track tape player.
Strewth Roswell, you’ve aced it again.I can’t wait to order my new FX Holden shitbox,with 6 volt battery,split windscreen and wipers that work on a weekly basis,no doubt assembled by blokes in overalls and tie,obligatory hat and dangling fag.
Here’s the resurrection of our car making industry, as suggested by some idiot sandgroper of no repute.Eh? Cobber, drongo, sport.
And then there’s whales!
Whoever decided that we didn’t need whale oil for all the useful things that can be lubricated. Whale oil provides illumination as a clean-burning, bright fuel for lamps and candles and as a high-quality lubricant for delicate machinery and heavy industrial applications. It is also an ingredient in soap, margarine, and cosmetics, and some pharmaceutical or bathroom and bedroom applications.
Rather than drilling for oil the Labor government has completely ignored the uses for this oil while idle whales are floating and frolicking down the East Coast of Australia when they could be contributing to the country’s industrial wealth, not to mention fish and chips.
Another Labor failure………….vote for Pauline ; new slogan Our future is behind us
I’m with her about SeppoSpeak and QR codes, but she will only take my indoor toilet when she pries it from my cold, dead bum.
In my part of this wide brown land, it was not only fox tails flying from the radio aerial. It was knickers as well!
And eggs were not sold in those modern cardboard containers where you cannot see if there is a broken one! They were placed in a brown paper bag which then had to be carried home and you knew instantly if there was a broken one!
The ruddybloody muddybrain features again, recalling good old days of past roles and performances, no doubt. Some of the “past” was comfortable and comforting, but change, if and when for better, is inevitable. We are not an accepting society, rather “anti-“, unnecessarily. Hansonism may be comforting to some, but it is so arid, puerile, pointless, denialist.
Archie, me man. So good to see you.
When a young lad on the island, the day after Christmas an older brother and I were polishing off the leftover pudding.
I was glowing with excitement at finding a sixpence, which turned sour when he found a 2-bob piece.
But there was more pudding left so who knew – I could have better luck yet. My brother wouldn’t let me have any. It was his. All his.
So there he sat, tucking into the pudding when after a few mouthfuls struck something in the pudding. It was a £5 note. He gloated. I cried my head off. £5 was more money than I knew what to do with. Pointless of course, as I didn’t even have it.
I did what any selfish little kid would do and went crying to mum. Balling my head off, I was.
Between tears and gulps of breath I dobbed him in.
Mum to the rescue. She went into the kitchen and told him that was a nasty trick, and made him give me the two shilling piece. My yield for the day was 2/6d. 😀
Pure gold Roswell, well done.
From TheShovel:
Great Barrier Reef ‘Not White Enough’ Pauline Hanson Says
Pauline Hanson Accuses New Chinese Pandas of Taking Jobs From Australian Pandas
Senators complain about being forced into daily acknowledgement of Pauline Hanson
Pauline Hanson Catches Up With Gina Rinehart in Thailand to Complain About Australia Being Swamped by Asians
Pauline Hanson condemns use of term ‘Black Friday’, saying ‘all Fridays matter’
Sky News Interviews Pauline Hanson About How Pauline Hanson Is Being Silenced
Fatima Payman Apologies for Calling Pauline Hanson a Racist, “The Appropriate Term Is Fucking Racist”
Pauline Hanson tells lions to ‘piss off back to Africa’
Thank you, Gong. This stuff writes itself.
Putting coins in a Christmas pudding was never a thing in America. By the time I arrived here it had been discontinued.
When my parents stopped doing it, they said it was because the government had started putting nickel into the coins.
My father was never keen on it. It meant giving money away which could have been spent on beer.
What’s wrong with that ,Michael?
Mind you, I had an uncle who was a mean bastard..they used to do the Plum pudding with coins in it..sixpences,, shillings, and two bobs.But the bastard always cracked the florins..deliberately pissing all us kids off.
He tried to buy his way into heaven in later life, but I believe God shut all the plenary indulgence branches..due to previous sins.Who would have guessed?
My father wasn’t known for his generosity, Harry.
He was a product of his times. Grew up during the Depression, went off to fight in the war, came home an alcoholic like many of them did.
Was so lousy he refused to buy my school books, forcing me to leave school at an early age.
A good laugh here.
I know Pauline’s nostrums are not always “scientific” but gee, aren’t there othe wrinklies here who wish they would bring back fish’n chips shops some where you can also buy a DECENT hamburger, not the cardboard rubbish from the big fastfood chains.
Terry Mills, obviously left-handed Gay whales…btw, Whale oil sounds a new idea for foreplay and a nappy ending to events of an “intimate” nature.
Would Pauline get rid of all the stupid “codes” that make computers so awkward to operate sometimes?
Sack two-factor, vote for Pauline instead!!!
Re a short post From Michael Taylor.
I always found it bad on the dole because too much to buy smokes AND beer and never the money for both.
Hey Paul,Im all in for the fish and chips of yore,as long as they’re wrapped in newspaper no more than a week old.
You want salt? You want vinegar ?I only wish the chips were that good now.
Think I’ll go for a lie down now.
I’m sorry about your dad Michael,A lot of those blokes put up with some soul destroying shit,including some friends I was conscripted with in the Vietnam days.Many are dead, many are still dealing with the results of outrageous political decisions.
Some things never seem to change.
Love is what we badly need.
paul walter says: 9 October 2025 at 8:53 pm
I agree about the hamburgers. It’s virtually impossible to find a shop that makes the great old style ‘burger and when they say that they can make one and you remind them about the beetroot they look at blankly at you as if you’re some kind of moron.
Pauline Hanson is a bloody idiot and so is anyone who supports her.
Thank you, GL. Exact example.
So many GOOD ways to enjoy an hamburger, but the big chains ruined even that small consolation in life.
About 12 years ago at an outdoor cafe on the lake in Canberra I asked for a hamburger with an egg. The person taking the order was stunned.
“Where do you want the egg?”
“Oh, I might be radical and have it inside the hamburger for a change. I usually have it on a side plate, but I might see what it’s like between the buns.”
For Gods sake!
Fancy not understanding a ‘burger with egg!!
An aside:
Michael,
Your comment about the egg reminded me of a visit to a local bookshop some years ago with a friend. We walked in were looking at what was on the shelves and within 3 minutes a staff member appeared and asked if we needed help. Said we were just looking and she left.
“What’s the bet that 3 minutes from now another employee appears.” Maybe we looked like shoplifters, I don’t know.
3.60 minutes later another staff member, with an armload of books this time appeared nearby and keeping an eye on us.
“Can I help you with anything?”
Royally pissed off I replied deadpan, “No, I’m just deciding which books I’m going to steal when you lot aren’t pestering us.”
We were left alone after that.
A better use for the brown paper bag was to put it over her head… lol
GL…
Yes paul?