Intro
Once upon a time, being in opposition meant holding the government to account, proposing credible alternatives, and engaging in constructive debate. But in today’s LNP, those noble duties have been replaced by something far more… performative. Between daily outrage appointments with Sky News, nostalgia-fuelled policy reboots, and long lunches with lobbyists, it’s hard to tell whether the LNP are trying to win government or just win a column inch in tomorrow’s Daily Telegraph.
So, for your entertainment (and mild concern), here’s what a typical day looks like for a modern LNP shadow minister.
6:00 AM – Wake up. Scroll through headlines to see what Labor’s stuffed up overnight. If nothing obvious, blame them anyway – something about inflation, or interest rates, or too much renewable energy.
7:00 AM – Call Sky News. Request interview. Complain that Labor hasn’t done enough about something we ourselves cut funding to for nine years.
7:45 AM – Email Murdoch press office: “Talking points attached. Please publish as news.”
8:30 AM – Head to ABC to express outrage that the ABC still exists, and suggest that Media Watch could do with a facelift and urge they replace the current host with John Howard. It would add credibility to the program, obviously.
9:00 AM – National Press Club breakfast. Eat bacon, mutter something about “woke agendas” in between mouthfuls, and brainstorm how to weaponise free speech against free speech.
10:00 AM – Morning press conference. Announce bold new policy that sounds suspiciously like a recycled talking point from 2007, except now with more coal.
10:15 AM – Realise it contradicts yesterday’s bold new policy. Blame Labor for the confusion.
11:00am – Question Time. Loudly interject, scoff, shake head disapprovingly, and accuse the government of being soft on China, hard on farmers, weak on gas, and suspiciously pro-healthcare.
12:30 PM – Lunch with lobbyist. Nod earnestly while they explain why billionaires deserve more subsidies.
2:00 PM – Draft a strongly worded tweet accusing the government of silencing critics – immediately followed by a call for tighter protest laws.
2:15 PM – Google “Ban polling”.
2:30 PM – Planning meeting: workshop how to appeal to both climate deniers and people who are currently underwater.
3:00 PM – Power nap (optional but encouraged if there’s a Nationals MP speaking in Parliament).
4:00 PM – Drop into Sky News again – because accountability, but only for others.
5:30 PM – Rehearse line: “We’re holding the government to account.” Repeat as needed, regardless of topic.
6:00 PM – Dinner with party donors. Toast to “fiscal responsibility” while enjoying a taxpayer-subsidised steak.
8:00 PM – Watch ABC’s 7.30 Report. Complain loudly about bias. Write angry letter to the editor. (Don’t send it – just post it on Facebook with lots of emojis.)
9:00 PM – Draft tomorrow’s press release. Replace “Labor is destroying the economy” with “Labor is destroying the nation.”
9:30 PM – Bedtime reading: Tony Abbott’s memoir, The Australian editorial page, or anything by Andrew Bolt.
Wrap-up
And there you have it – a full day’s work for someone who’s technically not doing any. While Australians grapple with the real challenges of climate change, housing, cost of living, and Indigenous justice, the LNP continues to phone in from the past, armed with press releases, platitudes, and the occasional flash of faux outrage.
As they say in politics, timing is everything – and right now, the LNP seem determined to stay out of step, out of touch, and, if the polls are anything to go by, out of office.
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I enjoyed that.
The conservative politician is a substandard type, not executive, rich through cunning, genuinely free to think and act. Office staff, delivery staff, minnows, as with Tiberius., that’s the role. Whine and dine…
I think the headline of the article should have read “A day in the life of an LNP SIDESHOW minister”.
Pete, I like it.
But “sideshow” suggests they are doing something – even if it is acting at a carnival. I wanted to get the message across that they don’t do anything. Nothing. Zilch.
And every now and then they arrive at a tipping point, and with the aid of the Wagina, Barnyard Beetrooter comes out to screech, blather and stammer his way into the headlines with Pawlean for a day or two.
This by far exceeds the interminable screech of Michaelia and the somnambulant jibber-jabber of anxious Angus or the waggle-wringing dib dib dibs & dob dob dobs of James Pee.
Roswell, under the definition of sideshow it reads “a minor or diverting incident or issue, especially one which distracts attention from something more important.”
ie. they are distracting from the fact that they are doing nothing and have nothing to do.
Now Roswell, that appointment diary is too complicated for a mere country boy like Beetrooter. It seems that his day goes something like
.
10.00am. Open eyes and wonder why he has a headache. Remembers his dalliance with A Planter and looks for her phone number.
.
11.00am. Open the fridge and discover (to his horror) that the supply of 4X has fallen to zero. Make suitable noises of disgust and write himself a note to get another two slabs.
.
12 Noon. Head off for a long lunch with Auntie Gina to discover what government services can be located on her rural property domain that will service the voters and simultaneously pay her rent for the privilege.
.
3.00pm Quick call to Anus Failure to discover when the next transfer to the Cayman Islands will occur.
.
4.00PM Go past pub bottle shop to the pubic Bar and check that the ”waters” are fit for human consumption. Being a trained (unsuccessful) accountant he remembers that all sampling requires repetition, so he takes many samples until dinner.
.
6.00pm Rolls around into the Bottle Shop to purchase home supplies, that bar staff carry to the government car for safe transport home.
7.00pm Meet lobbyist for pre-dinner drinks then join second lobbyist for dinner to discuss ”political donations” to the NOtional$.
.
10.00pm Staggers out of restaurant, trips over a gutter and calls for his faithful government car to transport him home.
Very good, NEC. Damn good.
You’ll do me out of a job.
This is a good piece.
They aren’t being kicked while trying to actually improve themselves or OZ, but for their utter recalcitrance.