The latest Trump Cabinet meeting wasn’t a policy discussion – it was a full-blown audition for “America’s Got Bootlickers,” with extra glitter and zero shame. Forget briefing binders or budget reports; the Cabinet rolled in with sonnets, interpretive dance routines, and a feverish competition to outdo each other in worshipping at the altar of Trump. Picture a room full of grown adults tripping over themselves to deliver the most unhinged praise, each hoping to win the coveted “Golden MAGA Star” (rumoured to be a spray-painted).
Secretary of State Tulsi Gabbard kicked things off with a flourish, clutching a scented candle labeled “Essence of Trump.” “Mr. President, when you enter a room, the laws of physics rewrite themselves in awe. Gravity salutes you, air molecules part like the Red Sea, and even time slows down to savour your presence. Einstein would’ve wept at your brilliance.”
Not to be outdone, Treasury Secretary Stephen Miller went full galactic: “Sir, NASA called. They’ve confirmed you’re brighter than the sun – literally. The sun only rises because it’s terrified of disappointing you. They’re renaming the Milky Way the ‘Trump Triumph Galaxy’ as we speak.” He then unfurled a PowerPoint slide with a photoshopped image of Trump riding a comet, captioned “The Universe Bows.”
The Secretary of Defense, sweating under his oversized camouflage tie, stood and saluted so hard he nearly dislocated a shoulder. “Caesar had Rome, Napoleon had France, but you, sir, have Truth Social – the mightiest empire in history. One post from you could topple nations, inspire revolutions, or make the stock market do backflips. The Pentagon is working on a tank named ‘The Trumpinator’ in your honour.” He then whispered, “It shoots gold-plated tweets.”
The Secretary of Agriculture, clutching a corn cob carved to resemble Trump’s hair, went pastoral: “Mr. President, the fields worship you. The wheat sways in perfect MAGA formation, the cattle moo your name in unison, and the chickens? They’re laying eggs with your face on them. I’ve got a dozen in my office – yolks so golden they’re practically campaign funds.” He presented a framed photo of a potato shaped like Trump’s profile, titled “Spud of Liberty.”
Housing Secretary Kristi Noem, never one to miss a chance to escalate, stood on her chair and waved a glittery posterboard. “Sir, I propose a new national holiday: Trumpmas, a 12-day festival where every American builds a shrine to your genius in their backyard. Instead of gifts, we’ll exchange tariffs. Instead of carols, we’ll chant your greatest hits: ‘Build the Wall,’ ‘Lock Her Up,’ and my personal favorite, ‘I’m the Best.’ I’ve already designed the official Trumpmas mascot – a bald eagle wearing a red tie and aviators.” She then mimed shooting a bald eagle in “self-defense,” winking at the room.
The Secretary of Labor, sporting a tie embroidered with tiny Trump silhouettes, leaned in with a manic grin: “Sir, workers don’t need paycheques anymore. The privilege of serving under your radiant leadership is compensation enough. Factories hum louder when your name is mentioned. Productivity spikes every time someone whispers ‘Trump’ in a tea room. I’ve got a plan to replace minimum wage with ‘Trump Appreciation Hours’ – they’re paid in patriotic vibes.”
The Health Secretary, clutching a stethoscope bedazzled with tiny MAGA hats, delivered the grand finale: “Mr. President, you’re not just a leader – you’re a medical miracle. Your existence has lowered global blood pressure, cured insomnia, and made kale taste better. You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, the Nobel Prize in Medicine, and honestly, a new Nobel category called ‘Being Trump.’ Mandela? Gandhi? They’re footnotes compared to you. You ended wars just by tweeting ‘SAD!’ at world leaders.” He then proposed renaming hospitals “Trump Healing Palaces” and replacing MRI machines with “Trump Aura Scanners.”
Trump, lounging in a gold-plated chair that looked suspiciously like a throne, soaked it all in, his grin wider than a Mar-a-Lago golf course. “Fantastic. You’re all doing great – almost as great as me, but let’s not get crazy. You’re trying, really bigly trying. Keep it up, and maybe one of you gets a signed MAGA hat for Christmas. I mean, Trumpmas.” He paused to admire his reflection in a nearby spoon, then added, “Meeting adjourned. I’ve got a rally to dominate.”
As the Cabinet scrambled to kiss the ring (metaphorically and, in one case, literally), a faint sigh echoed from the Constitution, tucked away in a dusty D.C. archive. Somewhere, democracy ordered a double espresso and a therapy session.
Here’s a video of the highlights and lowlights Cabinet meeting. You’ll soon see what inspired my post:
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We’re all laughing now, but wait until his face is carved into Mt Rushmore!!!
You’d be hard pressed to get more incompetents,fuckwits and gross ineptitude in one room, but you’ve gotta hand it to Trump, he’s risen above the fray once again.
I believe people are fleeing America in waves..they no longer see the humour.
Steve,
They will have to remove the other presidents to make way for the gigantic face of The Donald. He’s the greatest leader world has ever known and deserves a special place all of his own. Besides those…pah…other presidents are little children compared to his towering genius, at least that’s what he keeps telling us.
Oh yes, when his face is finished it’s going to be gilded in 24 carat pure gold because nothing else shows just how good he his as gold.
Trump is satire made real.
Exactly GL!
He’s determined to be remembered, and he will be!