There are many faces to Donald Trump, which is not particularly reassuring for world leaders who find themselves sitting across the negotiating table from him.
Which President Trump will they be dealing with?
The toddler? The narcissist? The tyrant? The television host? The peacemaker? The golfer?
For the benefit of world leaders everywhere, here is a brief field guide.
The Toddler
Keep him amused.
Make sure there are plenty of shiny objects nearby. Tell him the name of your pet cat. Have a spare dummy in your pocket.
If negotiations become difficult, distract him with a helicopter, a golf cart or a television showing one of his rallies.
Whatever you do, don’t tell him it’s bedtime.
The Narcissist
Tremble slightly.
Remember that you are in the presence of the greatest human being to have walked the planet.
Mention that his portrait should appear on postage stamps, golf balls, coins and banknotes. Suggest that Mount Rushmore is looking a little under-populated and that Australia would be happy to provide two mountains for the purpose.
Tell him you’re impressed that he has the tallest building in New York.
If he corrects you and says he has several very tall buildings, apologise immediately.
The Tyrant
Act tough.
Actually, act like a dictator.
Emphasis on the latter.
He admires dictators.
Don’t bother explaining the difference between democracy and authoritarianism. He may regard the distinction as unnecessarily complicated.
The Peacemaker
Suggest that he is being far too modest when he claims to have ended eight or nine wars.
According to your Department of Foreign Affairs, the actual number is 47.
Tell him he’s a shoo-in for the next Nobel Peace Prize.
If he says the Nobel committee has already overlooked him, nod sympathetically and blame the media.
Don’t be surprised if he offers you a cheeseburger in appreciation.
The Deal Maker
Bring a copy of The Art of the Deal for him to autograph.
Put a bookmark somewhere around page 200 so it looks as though you’ve actually been reading it.
If he asks what your favourite part is, point to the cover.
“By Donald J. Trump.”
Perfect.
If the deal goes badly, remind him that losing is simply another form of winning.
The Golfer
Whatever the subject, turn it into a conversation about golf.
Affordability: “You have an amazing swing, Mr President.”
Immigration: “I’ve been studying your putting. I am in awe.”
Inflation: “I’ve lost count of the number of trophies you’ve won. I can’t imagine you’ll ever be beaten unless the other player cheats.”
NATO: “What’s your favourite golf course, Mr President?”
Ownership of the Moon: Re-iterate that you’d love to see his portrait on golf balls.
If all else fails, ask him about his handicap.
Then agree with whatever number he gives you.
The Businessman
Act defeated.
He’s beaten you.
Whatever you have negotiated, he has negotiated something better.
If you have secured a 50-50 agreement, congratulate him on getting 75-25.
If you’ve achieved 75-25, marvel at his generosity.
Never, under any circumstances, mention arithmetic.
The TV Host
Tell him you get great joy out of firing losers.
It’s like you two are soulmates.
If the negotiations collapse, look directly into the nearest camera and say: “You’re fired!”
He’ll love you forever.
The Social Media Warrior
Never send a diplomatic cable.
Send a tweet.
If you need to discuss a complex geopolitical matter, limit yourself to three words and preferably include an exclamation mark.
If he posts something at 3 a.m., respond immediately.
It doesn’t matter what you say.
He probably won’t read it anyway.
The Tariff Man
Do not mention trade deficits.
Do not mention economists.
Do not mention that tariffs are paid by importers.
Instead, tell him that your country has been stealing American jobs, American factories and, quite possibly, American golf balls.
Offer to buy something.
Anything.
Preferably something made in America.
The Strongman
Never use the word “compromise.”
Say “historic victory.”
Never say “concession.”
Say “massive win.”
Never say “we disagree.”
Say “we are working towards an even greater deal.”
And whatever happens, don’t look frightened.
Looking slightly terrified is acceptable.
The President of the United States
Say nothing.
This is probably the safest option.
Fortunately, you won’t get much opportunity to speak anyway.
Just nod.
Smile.
Occasionally say, “Yes, Mr President.”
And remember the golden rule of Trump diplomacy:
Whatever you do, make sure Donald Trump thinks it was his idea.
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I would ask if there was a responsible adult available then give him a lollipop and point at the high chair in the corner.