Meet Jack. A Liberal voter since birth, he has never fully recovered from his hero’s shock defeat in the nightmarishly ghastly 2007 election. The hero being, of course, John Howard. If losing the election wasn’t horrid enough, little Johnny losing his seat was. It’s a moment in history Jack rarely talks about, but the memory still haunts him.
Then along came a new hero, in sorts, then another, and another: Tony Abbott, Scott Morrison, and Peter Dutton. Now they’ve all disappeared from the political scene, and Jack seeks a new saviour.
Today might just be the day when a new hero emerges from the ashes of the Liberal Party.
Let’s follow Jack’s journey.
7:00 AM – A New Day Brings Renewed Hope
Still suffering from withdrawals from his favourite daily fix – the kind that begins with “Peter Dutton says…” – Jack opens up every Murdoch news site, hoping for a “Sussan Ley slams Labor” or “Angus Taylor delivers savage truth bomb.” He finds absolutely nothing.
He tries the ABC. Even less.
9:00 AM – Board Meeting Blues
Sits quietly – sulking – at the end of the table during the mining company’s annual board meeting as they discuss the poor 2024/25 profit of $155 billion, frozen with panic that it might affect his annual $25 million bonus. As the company secretary, he knows his input into the discussion is required, so he stands and declares:
“I blame Labor.”
There are nods of agreement. The crisis is averted.
10:00 AM – Coffee Break
Heads off to Starbucks with some lowly middle managers. Notices a new bloke, Jim, strikes up a chat. He seems nice enough… until the topic turns to politics. It turns sour when Jack discovers Jim voted Labor in the last election. “Keep this guy away from me,” Jack silently screams, as he briefly considers a restraining order, but opts for the easier path: has him sacked on the spot.
“Tough times,” Jack mutters, sipping his triple-shot soy latte.
10:30 AM – Quiet Time
Cancels his planned meeting with the marketing director. Priorities come first. Spends the next half hour scanning Murdoch media sites for any pulse from the – he shudders at the word – Opposition.
Nothing.
Zilch.
Crickets.
He fires off a furious email to Sussan Ley with what he believes to be a game-changing strategy:
“Dear Suss,
You have the greatest political weapon this country has ever seen: John Howard. So why do you only wheel him out during elections? He needs to be out there – kissing babies – seven days a week. He is universally loved.
His personality and forthright honesty alone could pick up at least 30 seats at the next election.
Just do it.
You can thank me later.
Yours faithfully,
Jack Menzies”
11:05 AM – Sky Time
Hangs the “Do Not Disturb” sign on his office door and settles in for the morning lineup on Sky. Just as he switches on, he realises he’s missed a live interview with Jacinta Price by ten seconds.
Jack weeps quietly into his pocket.
“This country is falling apart,” he whispers.
12:00 PM – Reflections Over Lunch
Over a dry-aged wagyu steak with a glass of Penfolds Grange (charged to the company card, naturally), Jack scrolls through his feed.
The Coalition’s latest policy announcement is… a press release criticising Labor’s “dangerous obsession with renewable energy.”
Jack perks up.
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” he grins.
1:15 PM – Faith Restored
A friend sends him an old clip of Tony Abbott eating an onion. Jack chuckles warmly.
“A real leader,” he sighs.
He spends the next hour writing a 14-point policy memo urging Sussan Ley to bring Tony back in an advisory role. Preferably shadow minister for masculinity and vegetables.
2:45 PM – Afternoon Crash
The sugar from dessert wears off. Reality returns. Still no new heroes. Still no press conferences. Still no fire.
Just Angus mumbling about economic responsibility and David Littleproud tweeting about regional road upgrades.
Jack clutches his framed 1996 Liberal Party membership card.
“Where have all the good men gone?”
5:00 PM – Close of Play
The Murdoch sites are unchanged. The Coalition is still missing. Albanese is still Prime Minister. The world continues to turn.
Jack logs onto Truth Social, just to feel something. “At least Trump makes sense.”
Also by Roswell:
A day in the life of the Murdoch media – the Australian edition
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Beauty, Roswell!!!!!!
I go back to the times when the old australians weren’t australians and couldn’t vote and the new australians were held captive by pig-iron bob’s calls of labor commos.
Then, when that waned, indoctrinated catholics left labor for the DLP voted ming on the priests on the pulpit echoing, Santa Maria’s weekly sunday call of ‘labor is godless’.
Then Jo’s crooks killed the woke, hugely successful, Gough and let the worst treasurer, in our history, make Australia suffer for the next 33 years, till the ghost of Bennelong shat on the mongrel.
I used to take delight in asking those who love the lying rodent to name 3 things that howard did? My 3 being: sold half our gold, lied about weapons of mass destruction and about children overboard.
Their reply was to turn and walk away.