Arrested for touching… water

There was a time when Washington’s great political scandals involved espionage, corruption, constitutional crises, or at least a president resigning before being pushed.

Today, America confronts a new menace.

People touching water.

The crisis centres on the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, which recently underwent a lavish upgrade. The project – initially pitched at a thrifty $1.8 million and rushed to completion in time for the nation’s 250th birthday celebrations – ballooned to somewhere north of $14 million. It was meant to dazzle visitors with a patriotic “American flag blue” hue and restore the iconic landmark to its former glory. Instead, it now resembles an abandoned farm dam after an especially enthusiastic algae bloom, complete with floating green sludge, bird droppings, the occasional deceased waterfowl, and sections of the new liner peeling away like old wallpaper in a neglected holiday rental. 

Visitors expecting a pristine reflection of the Lincoln Memorial have been greeted by murky water and blue flakes detaching with all the structural integrity of a Trump campaign promise. The darker paint, experts patiently explain, absorbs more heat. The shallow water bakes under the Washington sun. Mother Nature, never one for patriotic branding or rushed no-bid contracts, responded in the only way she knows how: with vigorous, bipartisan algae. 

Naturally, questions were asked.

And naturally, answers were avoided.

President Trump quickly made it clear that responsibility lay elsewhere. Vandals. ANTIFA. Radical left lunatics armed with large knives, fertilizer, and chemicals. There was talk of a 350-foot “gash” in the pool’s facade – though footage of this daring sabotage has proven as elusive as a coherent explanation for the cost overrun. Six people have now been arrested for alleged tampering. Prosecutors are taking it seriously. An Olympic canoeist, 67-year-old David Hearn, touched a loose piece of the already-peeling liner out of curiosity during a bike ride and found himself detained for five hours. Security has been duly escalated. Fencing, heightened patrols, National Guard troops, and stern warnings now protect the republic from further acts of mild curiosity by passing citizens.

Science, as it so often does, declined to cooperate with this narrative. The algae, experts noted with the weary patience of people who have explained ponds before, comes primarily from the river water that fills the pool – warm, stagnant, and nutrient-rich, a perfect petri dish regardless of political affiliation. The peeling appears to be the result of the renovation itself: surface preparation, application, bonding issues, heat absorption, or some combination of haste and execution – rather than a highly coordinated team of saboteurs equipped with specialised tools, wetsuits, and the superhuman ability to evade three million smartphone cameras on the National Mall.

Crews have been vacuuming, straining, and pouring hydrogen peroxide into the murk in a valiant effort to restore order. The pool has even been slated for another draining and round of repairs. Through it all, the spectacle has drawn tourists – not for the intended majestic reflection, but for the novelty of watching a multimillion-dollar metaphor in real time. One can almost hear the algae chuckling.

Ironically, the Reflecting Pool has become an unusually accurate reflection of modern Washington itself: expensive, deteriorating, covered in green slime, and somehow always somebody else’s fault.

Update 25/6

This video from the MeidasTouch is worth watching for its ‘gobsmacking value’ as Trump goes off-planet to reveal what really happened to his beloved Reflecting Pool. Brace yourself: