Australians everywhere have been left baffled after the confirmation that the Leader of the Opposition is, in fact, still the Leader of the Opposition. But where is he? It’s a question that has sparked furious social media threads and newsroom chatter.
For a man who occupies one of the most senior roles in the nation’s political landscape, his invisibility has become something of a national curiosity – a political Where’s Wally? without the striped jumper or the cheerful wave.
It’s suggested Angus may have been misplaced somewhere between Question Time and a media interview. Search parties have since combed Parliament House armed with several copies of Hansard, but so far have uncovered only a forgotten tax policy from 1957 and a dusty folder labelled “Privatisation Ideas – Still Good?”. One eager volunteer reportedly found a half-eaten meat pie behind the dispatch box.
Constitutional experts insist the Opposition has a purpose beyond waiting three years for the next election. “It is generally accepted,” one professor explained, “that an Opposition should oppose things. Failing that, it could at least ask awkward questions. Even announcing a policy would be considered a promising start.”
Another scholar suggested that, in lieu of actual opposition, the Leader could simply recite some Shakespeare – at least it would fill the silence.
Witnesses claim Angus was last seen quietly hoping the government would somehow defeat itself while he remained safely out of sight. Liberal staffers have been speculating where he might be hiding. Someone suggested he is likely to be found at One Nation’s headquarters. Most nod in agreement.
Political archaeologists have begun excavating the Liberal Party archives in search of policies suitable for modern Australia – something, at least, for Angus to campaign on.
So far they’ve unearthed compulsory hat-wearing, re-introducing conscription, a proposal to increase the price of a postage stamp to sixpence, resuming atomic bomb-testing in South Australia (but this time closer to Whyalla – they’re determined to see it wiped off the map, gifting Tony with a boastful “I told you so” moment whilst forgetting why he predicted it in the first place), and a handwritten note too faded to fully decipher. Something about pig farming. “It’s vintage,” one archaeologist said excitedly. “With a little polish these could easily pass for contemporary Coalition policies.”
Meanwhile, Australians remain optimistic that the Opposition will eventually remember its job description.
Until then, Parliament will continue with the unusual arrangement of one side governing and the other quietly practising for government by saying as little as humanly possible – a strategy that, if nothing else, ensures they can’t be held accountable for what they never promised.
Keep Independent Journalism Alive – Support The AIMN
Dear Reader,
Since 2013, The Australian Independent Media Network has been a fearless independent voice – holding power to account and delivering journalism that matters.
Running this site isn’t cheap. Rising costs mean we need your support now more than ever. Every donation, big or small, keeps our servers running, our writers working, and our stories free for everyone.
Donate here:
PayPal or credit card – just click on the Donate button below
Direct bank transfer: BSB: 062500; A/c no: 10495969
We’ve also set up a GoFundMe as a dedicated reserve fund for hosting and future improvements.
Thank you for standing with us. We couldn’t do this without you.
With gratitude,
The AIMN Team
There those who say “Angus” is a “g” too much, but he is such a nice apparition or concept that we should leave him alone, which is preferred by fondlers. The flopposition, or plopposition, or droposition tends to fail at elementary activity, e g., opposing. Some coaching, study, research and activity is needed, but that is left to a rosydyed ratbag reject, oh dear. Angus has already retired seemingly. Take Barnaby…and Canavan also if he has not evaporated…
Wally isn’t at all comfortable in his role, in fact he detests the fact that he has to show up and speak up. But being a highly educated twit and a man about parliament for many years, he’s got it sorted, a whole nest of escape hatches; broom closets, unisex toilets, store-rooms and archive repositories, the IT place where he can hunker down out of sight behind the server racks, and occasionally slipping into the kitchen wearing a face mask to avoid recognition and hunkering down behind the vege boxes or slipping into the cool room if the weather’s a bit peaky.
I heard on the grapevine that he’s scouting for a doppelgänger, a body double, someone who can fill in for him while he’s hiding out in the parliamentary bowels. Also, that he gets smuggled in to the Big House on the back seat of the car, covered in a blanket.
It’s gonna make for some whacky stories for the grandkids at some point down the track.
He is alive and well on Facebook. In the last while he has been out on his horse on a misty morning, in a Drizeabone, and Akubra, promising to stop the cull of the brumbies in Kosciusko National Park, and clearly, in conjuring the iconic image of the Australian stockman, thinks to garner some One Nation monoculture supporters to his side.
( I can’t believe this is not satire)
“I just tripped over moving limp under the carpet in the hallway.”
“Oh, that’s just Angus going to his next meeting. He does that all the time now.”
“Can I kick the lump next time I see it?”
“Go for it, it’s quite satisfying. I’ve even seen Hastie boot it a couple of times.”
Good morning, Lyndal. It is satire.
Though it’s hard to tell.
I thought it was satire until I read this passage:
“… a proposal to increase the price of a postage stamp to sixpence, [and] resuming atomic bomb-testing in South Australia…”
I take it as Lyndal referring to his/her account of his activity, which appears to be actual.
If so, it’s that reporting that is close to satire.
I agree.
He’s still there. It’s just that NewsCorpse et al are so focused on Pauline that they have no time to talk to WellDone.
Gus has turned out even worse than everyone expected…well done. like a dinner.Corporal Hastie will be editing his acceptance speech,and private Paterson will be perfecting his double back flip…with twist and pike.
A good read.
But poor old Angus is suffering from being trapped between worlds. He is a true dyed in the wool Agrarian Princeling. A Private school captain who had been groomed for all his life to become a moss covered wheel in the conservative machine. And now the whole world is upside down! He is obliged to say silly things to the proletariat. Firmly disavowing any belief in anything except what his dad did is no longer an option. Which is all beyond his available repertoire – so he skulks and hides. I would.
I see that SKY News will be resurfacing as News24 now that their licence to use the name SKY has expired.
It has been suggested that News24 will register as a political party of the far-right.
If they were to stick with News24 as a broadcaster of news they may have to actually produce news which implies research and verification to be considered reliable, accurate, and trustworthy. SKY on the other hand has relied in the past on rumour, opinion, misinformation and a sprinkling of conspiracy theories and perhaps News24 will maintain this lazy approach.
Whatever the case News24 have embraced Pauline Hanson as the saviour of the nation and they will lavish her with attention until another right-wing nut job is germinated. Clearly, they are not impressed with Angus and wish that he would come out with some One Nation type racism aimed at, perhaps repatriating Indian migrants back to where they came from as Pauline insists but alas that type of racism could be fraught as one of SKY’s senior right-wing naggers is Rita Panahi who herself is of Indian heritage.
It’s not easy being a racist, just ask Pauline!
Perhaps the Murdoch crime family will rename News24 ONPTV.
N(asty)E(ecretions)W(hiffy)S(tench).