President Trump has once again proven he’s a man of clarity. Subtlety is for losers. The Pentagon is no longer run by the “Department of Defence.” Too wishy-washy. Too soft. Too woke. From now on, it’s the Department of War. Straight to the point. The armed forces don’t defend; they attack.
Inspired by this bold stroke, the rest of Trump’s administration is reportedly reviewing names across the Cabinet. Aides say the President wants “truth in branding.” Out with the sugarcoating, in with the hard-edged honesty.
First up: the Department of Health, now officially rebranded to the Department of Dying. With RFK Jr. at the helm, vaccines are out, misinformation is in, and life expectancy is on a steady decline. Accuracy matters.
The logic has caught on. Across Washington, departments are preparing for a rebrand:
- Department of Education → Department of Indoctrination. Betsy DeVos’ ghost still hovers over school choice. Critical race theory? Gone. Science? Optional. Maths? Replaced with accounting for tax breaks.
- Department of Justice → Department of Just Us. Serving the President and his friends exclusively. If you’re a critic, don’t bother calling. Creditors, please proceed directly to jail.
- Department of Homeland Security → Department of Paranoia. Because you never know who’s out to get you. Spoiler: it’s probably everyone.
- Department of Energy → Department of Coal. Windmills kill birds. The sun is suspiciously missing at night. Coal is “beautiful and clean, and very American.” (Apparently the wind and the sun aren’t American enough.)
- Department of State → Department of Hate. Diplomacy is dead, but shouting at allies and photo ops with dictators is very much alive.
- Department of Agriculture → Department of Fast Food. Why bother with crops when there are Big Macs to protect?
- Department of Treasury → Department of Trump’s Money. No need to ask where your taxes go. The gold-plated toilet seats won’t buy themselves.
- Department of the Interior → Department of Real Estate. National parks are nice, but imagine the luxury condos. “Best views, everyone says so.”
By the end of this renaming spree, America’s government might finally have names that match its policies. No more pretending. No more euphemisms. Just the raw, unvarnished reality of Trumpism: war, death, paranoia, and grievance.
As one White House aide put it, “It’s actually refreshing. For the first time, the names on the doors will tell you exactly what’s inside.”
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Perhaps Trump is being truthful. (I know hard to believe.) But it perhaps does say what US DoD has always been about.
But then again, DoW is the mark of an uncivilised country.
Once again satire provokes reality! A welcome respite from the gobbledegook of mainstream nareratives.
The US has never been about peace, it’s always been about war. This is the first truthful thing the Trump administration has done.
I think that renaming the US military is most fitting. For a country that has been at war somewhere on the planet for 93% of is European existence, calling its military the Department of Defence has always been a misnomer. The Department of War describes the US military exactly.
You forgot to mention the rebranding of the Department of Health to the Department of Death and Coffins.
I have a map of Italy issued by the American War Office, as part of the equipment for the liberation of Italy in WW2.
Department of War is absolutely correct. I agree that it is probably the one good thing Trump has done so far.
There may be a few others (inadvertent of course). Let us see…