“Somebody from the Opposition says…” – Media grapples with life after Peter Dutton

Intro

It was the moment that rocked Australian journalism to its very core: Peter Dutton was gone, and with his departure the right-wing media had lost its favourite blunt instrument – and now they don’t know where to turn.

For three years, whenever the Albanese government announced a policy, Murdoch’s and the ABC’s editorial playbooks were simple: step one, quote Dutton; step two, ignore context; step three, profit. Every article would start with; “Peter Dutton says…” or “The Leader of the Opposition says…” But now? Now they’re left staring into the abyss – and the abyss is muttering, “We cross to… Sussan Ley? I guess?”

BREAKING: “Somebody From the Opposition Says…”

In a tragic turn of events for Australia’s right-leaning media outlets, Peter Dutton’s disappearance from Parliament has left a gaping, furrowed-brow-sized hole in the nation’s political commentary. For years, Dutton served as the go-to source of disapproval for everything from energy policy to the Prime Minister’s glasses. But now, with Dutton gone, journalists across the country are facing an existential crisis: who do we quote first when Labor does something… anything?

With no clear successor in sight, Sky News and the Murdoch press have reportedly launched an “Anybody From the Opposition Hotline” – an emergency service staffed 24/7 to provide immediate outrage on demand.

“We just need someone to say the government is failing,” said one exhausted editorial assistant at The Daily Telegraph. “Even if it’s a Nationals intern or someone who once delivered mail to Barnaby Joyce. Honestly, at this point we’d take a quote from One Nation’s social media manager.”

This week alone, articles across the mainstream media have included such compelling sources as:

• “A former Young Liberal now working in pest control says Albanese is out of touch with everyday Aussies.”
• “A man wearing a ‘Make Australia Coal Again’ hat outside a servo in Dubbo has slammed Labor’s beef deal with America.”
• “A bloke who shouted at the ABC van in Wagga has called for an urgent Royal Commission into everything.”

Even the captions have become increasingly desperate:

“The leader of the opposition – unclear, possibly Sussan Ley? – has reportedly said Labor’s economic policy is a ‘woke train wreck.’”

Behind the scenes, editors have established a rotating roster of token disapproval, including:

• The ghost of Tony Abbott.
• The Coalition Senate Whip (name withheld because nobody remembers it).
• That guy who writes angry Facebook comments in all caps with seven exclamation marks.

To fill airtime, Sky News has also debuted a new panel show called “Somebody Somewhere Disagrees,” where four identical panelists and an empty chair spend 45 minutes speculating what Peter Dutton would have said if he were still around.

Even AI has been enlisted. An experimental bot named “OppositionGPT” is now generating generic responses like:

“This is another example of Labor failing hardworking Australians.”

“Australians are doing it tough. This government is making it tougher.”

“Where’s the plan, Albo? Where’s the plan?”

Meanwhile, Labor MPs remain baffled.

“We just announced free childcare, increased pensions, and a national koala sanctuary,” said one minister. “But all the headlines are about how some guy with a flag in his front yard reckons it’s Marxism.”

Still, media outlets are determined to persist.

“Look, someone has to keep the government accountable,” said a veteran political editor. “And if that someone is the bloke who once hosted Cash Cow on Sunrise, then so be it.”

At press time, Murdoch and ABC journalists were reportedly seen outside Parliament House with fishing rods baited with free coffee, desperately trying to lure any Coalition MP into offering a scathing soundbite about the PM’s pet dog.

The End

There’s an old saying in journalism: “If the story isn’t there, manufacture it.” And with Dutton no longer fronting the parade of indignation, the media’s new mantra appears to be: “If no one from the opposition says it… just find someone who might.”

In unrelated news, a man with a laminated Pauline Hanson bumper sticker has just been appointed Sky News’ Shadow Minister for the Twilight Zone.

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