Let us know when the war is over

Man giving speech at podium with American flags

For most of human history, wars have ended when both sides agreed they had ended.

This quaint tradition appears to have been abandoned.

In recent weeks, President Trump has repeatedly announced ceasefires, peace agreements, negotiations, understandings, breakthroughs, and imminent surrenders involving Iran.

Each announcement has been followed by an almost immediate response from Iran consisting of some variation of: “What on earth is he talking about?”

The exchanges have become so predictable that one suspects official translators are no longer required. A simple recording of “No” could probably handle most of the workload.

Here’s the record of one particular day, filled with press conferences and tweeting frenzies:

 

5:15am: Truth Social tweet

Trump: Iran has agreed to a complete and unconditional surrender.

Iran: We have not.

Trump: That’s exactly what someone who had surrendered would say.

Iran: No, it isn’t.

 

6:25am press conference

Trump: My sources tell me Iran is preparing a formal surrender ceremony.

Reporter: Who are your sources?

Trump: A highly respected person working on the reflecting pool. Can you believe it?  Sleepy Joe could rig an election but couldn’t clean a pool.

Iran: Oh do shut up.

 

7am tweet

Trump: Iran has agreed to surrender.

Iran: No.

Trump: Sorry, that was the press conference. Let me check what I’ve tweeted.

 

8:20 press conference

Trump: Iran has accepted every condition.

Iran: We haven’t even seen the conditions.

Trump: See? They’re already negotiating.

 

9:10am tweet

Trump: The deal is signed.

Iran: It is not signed.

Trump: It will be signed.

Iran: It won’t.

Trump: Then it’s a verbal agreement.

Iran: It isn’t.

Trump: Then it’s an understanding.

Iran: We do not understand.

 

9:35am tweet

Trump: My astrologer predicts Iran will surrender after lunch on Friday.

Iran: The astrologer is an Iranian spy.

Trump: That’s how accurate he is.

 

10am press conference

Trump: Iran has agreed to peace.

Iran: No we haven’t.

Trump: They are playing hard to get.

 

11am tweet

Trump: We are very close to a historic agreement.

Iran: We are not.

Trump: See? That’s exactly the kind of constructive dialogue I’m talking about.

 

11:15am tweet

Trump: Iran’s Supreme Leader personally approved the deal.

Iran: He did not.

Trump: Well, spiritually approved.

 

11:30am press conference

Trump: Iran has accepted the memorandum of understanding.

Iran: There is no memorandum.

Trump: Then they’ve accepted the memorandum of not understanding.

 

12:20pm press conference

Trump: We have a deal.

Iran: No.

Trump: We have a ceasefire.

Iran: No.

Trump: We have peace.

Iran: No.

Trump: We have excellent communication.

Iran: Stop calling us.

 

12:40pm press conference and tweet simultaneously

Trump: Iran has agreed to surrender.

Iran: No.

Trump: Well, that’s not what my sources say.

Reporter: Who are your sources?

Trump: A bloke named Gary.

 

12:50pm tweet

Trump: Iran has accepted all conditions. (Again. He’s persistent with this one).

Iran: We have not.

Trump: That’s not what my horoscope says.

Iran: Stop getting your foreign policy from horoscopes.

 

1:30pm press conference

Trump: Iran surrendered three days ago.

Iran: We are literally firing missiles right now.

Trump: That’s just celebratory firing.

 

1:55pm tweet

Trump: Iran has agreed to peace.

Iran: No.

Trump: They’ve agreed in principle.

Iran: No.

Trump: They’ve agreed spiritually.

Iran: What does that even mean?

Trump: It means we’re very close.

 

2:30pm press conference

Trump: I have accepted every one of Iran’s conditions.

Iran: We haven’t set any conditions.

Trump: It is on condition of Iran setting their conditions.

 

12:40pm press conference and tweet simultaneously

Trump (at press conference): Iran has agreed to surrender.

Trump (tweeting): Iran has accepted all conditions.

Reporter: Are these the same conditions?

Trump: I haven’t read either statement yet.

 

And so it goes until 4:45 the next morning, at which point it’s rinse and repeat.

Trump: Iran has once again agreed to surrender.

Iran: We are blocking this number.

 

Political historians may one day struggle to explain the unique diplomatic strategy employed by President Trump during the Iran conflict.

Traditionally, negotiations involve two parties communicating with one another.

Trump appeared to have simplified the process by removing the second party altogether.

The result was a diplomatic spectacle unlike any in modern history: a peace process in which only one participant appeared aware that peace has broken out.


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About Roswell 229 Articles
American by birth, Roswell has a strong interest in both American and Australian politics, as well as science (he holds a degree in the field of science), history, computing, travelling, and just about everything or anything that has an unsolved mystery about it. As well as writing for The AIMN, Roswell does most of the site’s admin and moderating.

17 Comments

  1. Everything TACO Trumpery touches turns immediately to manure. If his lips are moving then he is probably lying …..or fantasising in his geriatric, demented mind while forgetting the initial thought …..

    Now where are the Epstein files up to today??

  2. Well done, Roswell, in giving us a view, an aspect, a line for further observation and examination, for this hints at possibilities in assessing the orange orifice’s sex life, business life, wife life, even bowel “life.” A totality of failed existence astounds in the reviews possible, of this immensely failed inhuman stoolburst of stupidity.

  3. It has gotten to the stage where I wake up early just read the latest Trumpy lie about Iran then yawn mightily and go back to sleep. To paraphrase “Oh! What a Lovely War” for this year:

    “Oh! Another a Loony TACO”

    Now I feel like watching “Oh! What a Lovely War”

    Oh yes, even https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbRyH6fkee0 is more exciting than listening to Dipshit Donnie.

  4. On my reckoning he has stopped about 100 wars now!
    Maybe by the end of next week it will be up 110!

  5. That’s a fairly conservative guess there, John. I’m thinking he’ll go higher.

    You’re forgetting he peacefully negotiated the ending of the Eureka Stockade, the Battle of Culloden and the Zulu wars.

  6. I think that’s pump-and-dump … sorry, I mean end of the war #38. It’s hard to keep up.

  7. So true, leefe. I’ve missed all the other wars he has claimed to have ended.

  8. Never mind the other wars, Roswell, this is – and I’ve just checked – the 39th time he has claimed to have ended the USAnia-Iran war that (checks notes again) he started.

  9. Tucker Carlson has 37 videos, press releases, interviews, Twitter-X Truth Social and other announcements by Trump indicating variously that Iran is defeated, negotiations are completed, cease fire in place, threats to bomb Iran announced, threats withdrawn, Netanyahu admonished over Gaza, Lebanon, Straits of Hormuz opened by US Navy, Strait of Hormuz closed by Iran, US and Israel repeat attacks and break cease fire agreements (?) during negotiations, CENTCOM denies US bases in Gulf States have been destroyed by Iran, no details of US or Israeli casualties, etc; etc; obfuscations and “altered truths” keep coming. None have been confirmed, all have been denied by Iran and others. The net result – no nation can trust Trump, Vance, Rubio or Hegseth in any commitment or commentary on US foreign relations. The Trump regime is totally unreliable and devoid of principle.
    And yet Albanese, Marles and Wong remain stuck on USA like shit to a blanket.

  10. This is an expression, among so many, of Trump’s Confabulation Disorder. He literally fills holes in his memory, understanding and knowledge with made-up nonsense (that he clearly believes to be true). He’s been doing this for so long now it’s become his modus operandi.

  11. Beauty, Roswell,
    I loved his ‘I didn’t say ‘unconditional’ but ‘unconditioned’.
    ps
    Michael, we did it again. Although the Swan do live in the run throw and fall over city.

  12. Don’t forget that Donnie stopped the Great Wheel War in 1 million BCE. You know the one that involved Ugg, who invented the triangle shaped wheel and Ogg, who came up with the dodecahedron wheel (after discovering that a certain plant made you have strange thoughts and a craving for fried pterodactyl wings). Donnie is a hero for all ages.

    The evidence for the wheel as we know it was around 3500 BCE in Mesopatamia. Donnie was asleep that day in his cave after a 10 metre hard hobble (darn those bone spurs) away from a particularly ferocious squeaking vole.

  13. Congrats Roswell you bring out the creative commenters annd encourage the eccentrics. Of course, as the cartoonist Davide Rowe has found, the orange cretin is fertile subject matter for ridicule. He does it to himself. I picture him as a swirling mass of blubber disappearing up his own fundamental orifice to become a black hole.

  14. Hi, Dan. I tried leaving a comment but for some reason my WordPress login details were oddly incorrect so I couldn’t post it.

    What I had said in my comment was that, “If asked who wrote this I would have replied ‘Dr John Gartner’. I’ve listened to a number of his interviews on Trump’s mental health and this is him all over.”

  15. Vance :“If I was in the cabinet of the Israeli government, I might not be attacking the only powerful ally that I have anywhere left in the entire world.

    “The other thing that I would say is that over the last three months, two-thirds of the defensive weapons that have protected your homeland have been built by American hands and paid for by American tax dollars.

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