Introduction
The suburb of Boronia 3155, Victoria Australia, like many such habitats, teem with unique species whose behaviours, rituals, and migration patterns have evolved over decades. This guide, compiled through rigorous observation (and a lot of coffee), aims to document these creatures in their natural environment for the benefit of science, anthropology, and anyone who has ever wondered why their neighbour walks that particular dog at that particular time.
Species 1: The Cafe Goer
Binomial Name: Caffeinus regularis
Identification: Easily spotted between 7:00-10:00 AM clutching a ceramic vessel with the intensity of a mother protecting her young. Often found in the company of laptops, newspapers, or other Cafegoers engaged in the ancient ritual of “catching up.”
Distinctive Behaviours
The “Order Adjustment” – requesting modifications to their beverage with the precision of a neurosurgeon. (“Extra shot, oat milk, 85 degrees, single-origin only, and if you could just whisper encouragement to the beans…”)
The “Table Claim” – spreading possessions across a four-seat table while alone, establishing territory through strategic placement of jackets, bags, and the universal symbol of “I’m expecting someone” (no one is coming).
The “Barista Bond” – forming parasocial relationships with coffee makers, convinced that the nod exchanged means “you are the only customer who truly understands coffee.”
Habitat: Cafes with exposed brick, mismatched furniture, and at least one chalkboard with a pun about espresso.
Species 2: The Powerwalker
Binomial Name: Ambulus rapidus
Identification: Moving at speeds that suggest either urgent destination or desperate escape from something. Often wearing athletic wear that has never seen actual athletic activity. Arms pump at 90-degree angles. Expression suggests they are either listening to an intense podcast or mentally composing a strongly worded email.
Subspecies: The Over-Dressed Dog Walker
This variant deserves special attention. Identifiable by the dog (usually small, often wearing a sweater more expensive than the walker’s shoes) and the walker’s complete disregard for canine etiquette. The ritual:
- Dog selects premium lawn (neighbours’ manicured masterpiece)
- Dog deposits significant contribution to local ecology
- Walker observes deposit with the pride of a parent watching a child’s first steps
- Walker continues, leaving the deposit as a “gift” for the lawn’s owner to discover later
- The lawn owner’s subsequent outburst is considered “bonus entertainment” by experienced Over-Dressed Dog Walkers
Habitat: Footpaths, nature strips, and the precise area directly in front of driveways during peak exiting times.
Species 3: The Mysterious Plant Purchaser
Binomial Name: Horticultura compulsivus
Identification: Easily recognized at local nurseries and hardware stores, staring at plants with the intensity of a general surveying a battlefield. Often muttering things like “it will fit somewhere” and “I can make room.”
Behavioural Patterns
- The “Just Looking” phase – denial that purchase is inevitable
- The “Selection Crisis” – inability to choose between two nearly identical ferns
- The “Vehicle Tetris” – the complex art of fitting twelve new plants into a car designed for four
- The “Homecoming Realisation” – the moment they arrive home and remember there is literally no space for these plants
Mating Ritual: Two Mysterious Plant Purchasers may be seen comparing acquisitions, a delicate dance of one-upmanship disguised as horticultural discussion. (“Oh, you have a monstera? How… standard. Mine is a variegated Monstera Albo. From Peru. I had to sell a kidney.”)
Natural Predator: The partner who asks, “Where are you going to put that?”
Species 4: The Kerbside Vigilante
Binomial Name: Rubbishus watcherensis
Identification: Found lurking near nature strips on designated “waste collection days.” Often armed with a critical eye and a strong opinion about what constitutes “acceptable hard waste.”
Behaviours
- The “Quality Assessment” – evaluating neighbour’s discards with the expertise of an antiques dealer
- The “Opportunistic Acquisition” – the sudden transformation of “someone’s trash” into “my new project”
- The “Council Critic” – muttering about how the system worked better in their day
Cultural Significance: The annual self-selected date for house waste represents a sacred tradition wherein residents place their unwanted items on the nature strip and wait for “nature to take its course.” This practice saves council funds, reduces road wear and tear, and provides free entertainment for passersby who enjoy guessing the story behind a single roller skate, three mismatched chairs, and a lamp that definitely doesn’t work.
Species 5: The Pothole Spotter
Binomial Name: Defectus celebratus
Identification: A beloved local species that has elevated civic complaint to an art form. Can be observed gesturing dramatically at road imperfections while explaining to anyone within earshot that “they’ve been there for months.”
Behaviours
- The “Documentation” – photographing potholes from multiple angles, as if gathering evidence for war crimes tribunal
- The “Historical Context” – explaining the timeline of each pothole’s development with the precision of a geologist
- The “Comparative Analysis” – ranking local potholes against those in neighbouring suburbs
Contribution to Community: The Pothole Spotter provides free infrastructure monitoring services to local councils, who generally respond by… doing nothing. This ensures the species will never go extinct.
Species 6: The Boronia Mall Car Park Dweller
Binomial Name: Fines victimus
Identification: A temporary but widespread species, found exclusively in the Boronia Mall Shopping Centre car park. Distinguished by frantic expressions, rapid movements, and the sudden discovery that they have “just run in for one thing” three hours ago.
Threats: The species is systematically hunted by the Council’s concealed parking sensors—devices so well hidden that even experienced shoppers fall victim. The sensors, combined with enforcement officers who materialize with the speed and surprise of ninjas, ensure a steady revenue stream from unsuspecting mothers, grandmothers, and anyone else unaware that parking for 97 minutes instead of 90 triggers a fine equivalent to a week’s groceries.
Conservation Status: Thriving, thanks to the Council’s dedicated efforts.
Species 7: The Benchless Wanderer
Binomial Name: Sedes Avoidus
Identification: A poignant species found throughout Boronia, identifiable by their hopeful glances at empty spaces where benches should be, followed by resigned sighs and continued walking.
Habitat: Commercial strips, bus stops, and anywhere else where a seat would encourage “loitering” (the scientific term for “forming community”).
Ecological Note: The deliberate absence of comfortable benches is believed to be a municipal strategy to prevent residents from gathering, talking, and potentially… enjoying public spaces. The Benchless Wanderer thus remains in motion, ensuring they never accidentally connect with their neighbours.
Conclusion
The suburbs of Boronia host a rich tapestry of life, each species adapted to its unique niche in the urban ecosystem. From the Cafegoer’s territorial displays to the Powerwalker’s deposit-leaving rituals, from the Mysterious Plant Purchaser’s acquisitive compulsions to the Kerbside Vigilante’s critical assessments – all contribute to the vibrant, absurd, wonderful chaos of suburban existence.
Observe them with kindness. Document them with humour. And if you see the Over-Dressed Dog Walker approaching your lawn, take cover.
Field observations conducted by Dr Andrew Klein from various Boronia cafes, footpaths, and the occasional strategic hiding spot behind a hedge. Supervised by his handler, Bailey, the Labrador and sub-contractor to the Devine.
All species documented ethically, with minimal interference in their natural behaviour’s (except for the parking sensors – those things are just mean).
Keep Independent Journalism Alive – Support The AIMN
Dear Reader,
Since 2013, The Australian Independent Media Network has been a fearless voice for truth, giving public interest journalists a platform to hold power to account. From expert analysis on national and global events to uncovering issues that matter to you, we’re here because of your support.
Running an independent site isn’t cheap, and rising costs mean we need you now more than ever. Your donation – big or small – keeps our servers humming, our writers digging, and our stories free for all.
Join our community of truth-seekers. Please consider donating now via:
PayPal or credit card – just click on the Donate button below
Direct bank transfer: BSB: 062500; A/c no: 10495969
We’ve also set up a GoFundMe as a dedicated reserve fund to help secure the future of our site.
Your support will go directly toward covering essential costs like web hosting renewals and helping us bring new features to life. Every contribution, no matter the size, helps us keep improving and growing.
Thank you for standing with us – we truly couldn’t do this without you.
With gratitude, The AIMN Team
A great snapshot of bourgeois illusions/delusions/pretensions.
Especially the cafe crowd.
But I have to say that in my large provincial town the dog walkers are generally pretty good at cleaning up.
Very good – very good!
Very amusing,and another convincing list of reasons to stay the hell away from the city,and continue living like a hermit.
It seems I must be living in one of the more deprived urban districts; a paucity of coffee shops, no nurseries within reasonable cooee, Bunnings notwithstanding although I hesitate to grace that monolithic beast as being a ‘real’ nursery point, more a robber baron that’s plundered all available resources within a 500km radius, and as for dog walkers, self included, a motley lot entirely uninterested and insensitive to vogue & fashion with the $200 sneakers and rope pearl necklace…. more your thongs & t-shirt mob.
No doubt the Rose Bay or Vaucluse set or some of the inner-city suburbanites are a different crowd altogether with their ‘oh look at my dog, isn’t she a beautiful creature, she only cost $10,000’ along with the diamante-encrusted collars and personalised coats bearing names such as Archibald and Katrina, but out here in the sticks we’re not ones for putting on a show, more a recognition that walking the dog or chucking the tennis ball is an obligatory acknowledgement of the pooch’s need for a bit of stimulation after their day spent asleep and dreaming of chasing possums or whatever. I must say though, that I admire the honesty of one of the locals at the dog park who’s invariably got a stubby of Coopers Pale in his hand and another three or four in the backpack as he kicks the soccer ball for his pair of kelpies. A real Aussie, not one of yer Double Bay wankers.
Powerwalking is athletic activity.
And as a Compulsive Plant Purchaser, I resent the slur – I do not live in suburbia. Besides, there’s still room for some more pots out the back, and some mates of mine have acreage they’re slowly rewilding so they foster an increasing number of my acquisitions.
Do most councils do hard waste only once a year? Ours does it quarterly.
ps: the Devine … Miranda? If so, you want to keep a close eye on that mutt because it has some seriously unsavoury acquaintances.
Ugghh!
Why do people (often women) put sweaters on dogs?
…
Great piece of work, smiling for the rest of the day.
Fn-Verty firm admonishments from Cangaru.
It would be so easy to bring this style of social analysis to our local government over the past 30 years. The million dollar ”renovation” of the Pedestrian Mall so that about five bricks could be restored to position, in the base perimeter of the wonderful locally designed and built steel centre-piece …. but he was not a Notional$ supporter so we cannot take any notice of his excellent work when we can replace it with concentrated mediocrity.
Now for the planter boxes, installed as part of this Mall Upgrade to delineate the pavement renting area for coffee shops. Naturally these planter boxes pre-dated the local feral MPs desire for planter boxes, but in the drought the water was kept turned off to save wasting water.
The short story truth is that about 17 years of misgovernment by overstaffing, unfortunate appointments and simple incompetence, it took a government appointed Administrator to almost sort out the problems ….. while he ripped off the ratepayers with the approval of the NSW OLG.
But up to the future ….. the local Coles supermarket has just closed the Express Lane Check-out because of about $1 MILLION alleged shop theft per year. So the solution is to close the Express Lane where there was supervisory staff and ”encourage” shoppers to use an increasingly limited number of traditional check-outs or the very confusing ”Self Check-outs” where there in very limited supervision ….. two staff (sometimes) for about 16 machines.
Uhm ….. do the machines check every item?? NO!!!
So Coles plots to overcome shop theft by REDUCING SHOPPER SUPERVISION at check outs where the scams may occur. Very smart thinking by a city desk jockey who needs to get out at the coal-face and see what is actually happening,
I get fonder and fonder of NEC.
Not sure the image fits, maybe Box Hill or inner city; any suburban cafe is populated by mostly skip retirees.
Well, I’m all of the above, however coffee imbibing is mainly afternoons as my coffee companion also does other things and we look forward to our chats of the week, politics et al at a well-known cafe that was a pub in regional Victoria.
I’m a walker as I have not had access to a car for at least 10 years and that takes me a good 40 mins walk into the CBD district, uphill and down dale, good regular exercise at least three times a week!
Yep, I’m a plant and herb purchaser from a heritage source to grow lettuce, herbs, tomatoes et al that enhances my limited dietary options, lots of spaghetti and ragu with various sauces, lots of salads and sometimes some protein and lots of chicken noodle soup!
And yes, I have the obligatory glass of red or white wine with dinner, depending on my mood.
I live pretty simply however its rich!
Whilst a goat nibbling at ubiquitous weeds delights at a caffeine kick-start before moving on, my kick-start occurs within the walls of my castle in the air.
That’s about as far as my autonomic self takes hold as I get about rinsing out my dreams and nightmares. That is followed by letting convenient rise-ups of my incessant background babble intervene in the ranking of my actions and deferrals in my never-ending bucket-list. Some may call it inspiration – I’m not so sure.
Of course, I adopt mottoes that I might like to project, like, ‘determinedly reducing my footprint’, whilst ‘re-wilding it with plants, animals, insects, bacteria and wonderous molecules’.
Then a passing dog&owner will leave a deposit on my nature strip or footpath. A ‘she’ll be right, mate’, flouter illiterati will park across my driveway, or a hoon will do a 150 decibel burnout to prove he’s alive. I say to myself I must get out more.
So I walk up to the supermarket, or down to see my helpful mate, ‘Col the activist’ – he keeps my rants in check, whilst I assist him with addressing the dystopian institutions that press on him.
Then there’s the Kevinator. He breaks down my door for a yarn. I make us coffee, and soon he unleashes his obsession with trucks and cranes. He needs to, and I’m on his route to the Post Office. He is generous, and seems to have at least one of everything whilst aiming for more. Everything that is, except his family, who have estranged themselves.
Occasionally, I’ll fire up the chariot and venture way out off-grid to visit and commune with Terry-the-Tipman and his gal Gillian. That is always fruitful, as we devise schemes for things we’d like to make. And it often comes to pass that we do make them.
Other than that, if it is necessitated, other than by Skanks’s pony, it’s train or bus (both nearby). Two weeks ago I was summoned to a meeting in Melbourne (for which I’d be paid handsomely) a Monday 11am scheduled start. Good, I thought. The early train, then tram should get me there with time to spare. So Sunday, I got online to book a ticket, and to my consternation the train would have a 2 hour delayed arrival due to works in the outer burbs. So Monday morning I upped well before dawn, had a coffee and banana, oiled the chariot and set off. Pea soup for the first 100km, and freeway standstills for 20 mins in the outer burbs. Anyway I arrived OK and the meeting brought success.
I took the opportunity to go see old and enfeebled publisher friends in North Fitzroy, had a late lunch with them at the Peacock Inn on Northcote hill, then back to theirs to yarn on.
After refilling the chariot at the cheap all-nighter, I arrived at my footprint just after 1am.
I hardly need add up the score, as it’s all typical of the rich tapestry and threadbare rug.
Clakka, pretty sure it’s shank’s pony, the noun ‘skank’ belonging to an entirely different etymological class and no doubt an unintended albeit humorous slip of the pen.
A skank is a woman of indifferent hygenic practice She is, in fact, can be a ‘skanky ho”, hence also of dubious, unhealthy and excessive sexual proclivities.
Skanks are most found in the backward parts of the USA. It is suspected that “skanks” are actually a variation of “skunk”, within back woods culture. These are often noisily seeking out their mates, the Bubbas and Crackers.
…….
“Shank’s Pony” is an old Australian colloquialism that refers to a a non -mechanical mode of transport involving the feet.
I remember missing the train to a footy match and the old man shrugging sadly- we woud have to use “Shanks Pony”, ie “walk”, the mile or two to the footy match,