Where’s Wally? (Opposition Leader Edition)

Australians everywhere have been left baffled after the confirmation that the Leader of the Opposition is, in fact, still the Leader of the Opposition. But where is he? It’s a question that has sparked furious social media threads and newsroom chatter.

For a man who occupies one of the most senior roles in the nation’s political landscape, his invisibility has become something of a national curiosity – a political Where’s Wally? without the striped jumper or the cheerful wave.

It’s suggested Angus may have been misplaced somewhere between Question Time and a media interview. Search parties have since combed Parliament House armed with several copies of Hansard, but so far have uncovered only a forgotten tax policy from 1957 and a dusty folder labelled “Privatisation Ideas – Still Good?”. One eager volunteer reportedly found a half-eaten meat pie behind the dispatch box.

Constitutional experts insist the Opposition has a purpose beyond waiting three years for the next election. “It is generally accepted,” one professor explained, “that an Opposition should oppose things. Failing that, it could at least ask awkward questions. Even announcing a policy would be considered a promising start.”

Another scholar suggested that, in lieu of actual opposition, the Leader could simply recite some Shakespeare – at least it would fill the silence.

Witnesses claim Angus was last seen quietly hoping the government would somehow defeat itself while he remained safely out of sight. Liberal staffers have been speculating where he might be hiding. Someone suggested he is likely to be found at One Nation’s headquarters. Most nod in agreement.

Political archaeologists have begun excavating the Liberal Party archives in search of policies suitable for modern Australia – something, at least, for Angus to campaign on.

So far they’ve unearthed compulsory hat-wearing, re-introducing conscription, a proposal to increase the price of a postage stamp to sixpence, resuming atomic bomb-testing in South Australia (but this time closer to Whyalla – they’re determined to see it wiped off the map, gifting Tony with a boastful “I told you so” moment whilst forgetting why he predicted it in the first place), and a handwritten note too faded to fully decipher. Something about pig farming. “It’s vintage,” one archaeologist said excitedly. “With a little polish these could easily pass for contemporary Coalition policies.”

Meanwhile, Australians remain optimistic that the Opposition will eventually remember its job description.

Until then, Parliament will continue with the unusual arrangement of one side governing and the other quietly practising for government by saying as little as humanly possible – a strategy that, if nothing else, ensures they can’t be held accountable for what they never promised.