MEMORANDUM FOR THE PRIME MINISTER
FROM: Office of the Prime Minister, Department of Bigly Preparedness
SUBJECT: Anticipated Grievances from POTUS47 Regarding the Australian Broadcasting Corporation and Related Matters
Date: September 21, 2025
Background: Following the public exchange between President Trump and ABC journalist John Lyons, our analysts anticipate he will raise several grievances during your upcoming visit. Using advanced predictive algorithms and public statement analysis, we’ve identified his likely complaints. These are rooted in his unique perspective, which must guide your responses for the duration of the meeting.
Note: These grievances may not align with objective reality but reflect his reality, which takes precedence in this context.
Anticipated Agenda Items & Recommended Responses
The Biased Boomerang
The Grievance: Boomerangs. President Trump is upset over a boomerang purchase inspired by an ABC documentary.
He bought one – a beautiful boomerang, very expensive, the best wood – from a guy just outside… a place. He claims the boomerang failed to return when thrown, instead striking a “tremendous person” in the head. He alleges the ABC is promoting a “Boomerang Hoax” to inflate Australia’s image, harming the U.S. trade deficit.
Recommended Response: “A valid point, sir. We’ve been soft on Big Boomerang. We’ll task the CSIRO to develop a new, ‘America First’ boomerang that only returns if you have a winning personality.”
Eight-legged killing machines
The Grievance: Our spiders. Scare the life out of him. President Trump recounts a traumatic experience in a Sydney hotel room – “the best room, very expensive, biggest in Sydney” – where he encountered three spiders on the ceiling. Big. Black. Hairy. Like that guy from the band… never mind.
Recommended Response: Tell him that’s normal. All bedrooms in Australia have at least three big hairy spiders on the ceiling. Pander to him by saying that he had an 80% chance of waking up alive, and that as he did, reflects his unmatched bravery: “The bravest American to sleep in Sydney.”
The Liberal Party phone call fiasco
The Grievance: After reading on an Australian independent media site (name withheld for security reasons) that the Liberals were destroying Australia, he nodded in agreement. “The liberals want to destroy America, too.” He hates liberals and loves Australia (except for the spiders). “Great place. The best people. Tony Abbott, a great guy, strong handshake. Gina Rinehart, she’s got minerals, tremendous minerals. And Nigel Farage, a beautiful Englishman, very Australian in spirit.”
So he contacted the media site to ask who was in charge of the Liberals. “I need a name.” Some very low-level person, probably, gave him a name: Jacinta Price. He phoned Senator Price, expecting to confront a liberal leader, only to be greeted with “Make America Great Again.” He views this as a setup by Australian independent media to embarrass him, calling it the “Phone Call Scandal” and accusing the media of misusing his “great slogan” to associate him with destruction. “Nobody thinks about the humiliation I suffered.”
Recommended Response: Do not speak. Offer a slow nod with a world-weary expression, signaling profound understanding. A subtle, respectful sigh is permissible.
The koala conspiracy
The Grievance: Obama once held a koala. Unless he also holds one the equilibrium of the universe will never be restored.
Recommended Response: [Leaning in with a look of grave concern] “Mr. President, that is deeply troubling and we will launch a full inquiry.”
However, you should really tell him the truth – that the koala peed on Obama. It was a physiological response to being in the presence of sheer greatness. It was so overwhelmed by Obama’s energy, his power, that its only possible reaction was a total loss of bladder control.
(Pause for effect)
”But with you, sir, with the greatness that pulsates from your body, the koala would be likely to also lose bowel control. Nobody in Australia wants to see you shat on by a koala – a magnificent tribute, but one we’d rather avoid to protect your dignity.”
Conclusion & Overall Strategy
Your mission is not to correct factual inaccuracies, but to validate the emotions behind each grievance. Agree, amplify, and redirect. Treat each complaint as a profound insight from a singular strategic mind. Maintain a composed demeanour to navigate the conversation successfully. In the realm of the absurd, the straight-faced diplomat prevails.
Good luck.
Also by Roswell:
Australia, please stop fainting over a journalist doing his job
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Satire?
Sounds pretty accurate to me.
Nobody in Australia wants to see you shat on by a koala …
Au contraire, mon ami. Almost everyone in this country would like to see that. Repeatedly. In fact, I’m lining up the koalas right now and explaining their mission … hang on a sec … ahhhhh, the roos, emus, wallabies, goannas, echidnas, devils, dingoes, quolls, wombats, bandicoots and numerous other mammal and bird species would also like to get in on the act. Can TacoTits make it next Thursday?
Pesky koalas. No one remembers the time when a federal ALP tourism minister got peed on, I think back in Hawke’s time?