Things will never change
Australian politics is like a 24/7 election cycle. It’s all part of the daily rhythm – like background noise, it hums along regardless of who’s in power. You’ll see the patterns, hear the same phrases, and watch the same headlines recycled 365 days a year, with just enough variation to feel fresh.
Election time might add a few unique touches – but really, the only thing that changes is how often it all happens. Here’s what we see day in, day out, with some extra flair when an election’s called:
“The Leader of the Opposition says…”
No matter what’s happening in the world – climate disaster, budget chaos, or a dog stuck in a drain – there’s a 90% chance the article will open with the opposition leader’s opinion. It’s tradition, even if nobody’s listening.
John Howard will appear, like clockwork
Like a political cuckoo clock, John Howard will emerge to quietly haunt marginal seats, shuffle through a few battleground electorates relying not on words but on sheer presence. He’s already booked in for the next 42 campaigns, plus a few council elections just in case.
The baby-kissing blitz
As soon as an election is called, politicians go into full baby-kissing overdrive. They’ll cradle the infant, kiss its head, and move on. The mother, meanwhile, will look like she just watched someone lick a trolley handle during flu season.
Obligatory photo ops at “real Aussie places”
Expect a blitz of visits to chocolate factories, school plays, bingo nights and the opening of a plant nursery – because nothing says economic plan like smiling while holding a cucumber.
The miraculous arrival of refugee boats
Like clockwork, boats will be spotted right after the election is called, always carrying just enough political weight to spark panic, and always – miraculously – Labor’s fault, no matter who’s been in government for the last decade.
Sky News nightly is a full-blown panic room
The Sky After Dark panel will dial everything up to 11. Democracy will be in crisis, coal will be the answer, and cancel culture will be blamed for everything from rent prices to sour milk. The panel will declare civilisation to be on the brink. Net zero? A Marxist plot. Public healthcare? Communism. Student protests? The fall of the West.
“Real Australians” will be trotted out
The media will head to the same regional RSL or outer-suburban tavern to find hand-picked “real Australians” who coincidentally echo Coalition talking points with surprising fluency. Authenticity not guaranteed.
The Daily Telegraph front page will look like a Liberal Party ad
Their front page will resemble a Liberal campaign billboard, complete with glowing shots of the leader of the Opposition and headlines like “Albo Must Go”.
A major infrastructure promise will be recycled for the fifth time
Expect a grand announcement of a new fast rail or highway upgrade, complete with hard hats and hi-vis – but with no budget allocation and a suspicious resemblance to a press release from 2007.
Someone will hold a sausage like it’s a rare and confusing object
At the traditional democracy sausage photo op, at least one politician will grip their sausage sandwich like they’ve never seen one before – upside down, sideways, or with two hands like it’s radioactive.
One major gaffe will be rebranded as “authentic”
When a politician forgets the unemployment rate, can’t name their own candidate, or confuses China with Chile, their media team will say it proves they’re “just like the rest of us.”
Scandal season
Scandals involving Labor politicians – no matter how trivial – will always be framed as a threat to national security. Meanwhile, Coalition scandals are expertly deflected with: “Look over there! A Labor MP just walked past a homeless man and didn’t give him money.” Cue headlines: “The leader of the opposition says this is typical of Labor. They do nothing for struggling Australians.”
The whole thing will feel weirdly familiar
Because deep down, we know Australian politics isn’t really about policy – it’s about rituals, headlines, and staged sincerity. And the show must go on. The news will stay the same – only the faces will change.
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Our politics or political theatre is merely free content for our lazy RW MSM and rusted on audiences…..
And just when we have a government in a position to radically change all this boring and insulting charade,they’ll piss themselves in case someone criticises them.
Lucky for us we have a much vaunted’roundtable’coming up,where we can re arrange the neoliberal furniture to make it appear as progress.
Yeah, nah.
The mainstream media is the real enemy of the people particularly in matters of politics. Apart from being more discerning when voting, (presuming there are credible candidates), the public must realise that the only thing that truly concerns mainstream media is advertising revenue and share prices, not truth in broadcasting. Thus it becomes obvious that if the majority of the population were to boycott and ignore the usual media culprits they will quickly lose their modus operandi and sink into a well deserved oblivion.
It can be guaranteed that the ’roundtable’ will be true to form, and the MSM will drag out the same old tropes, whilst the govt wrangles the changes it reckons it can get away with anyway. The vox populi has been well trained by propaganda. Why would the recipe be changed, when they can just put a pencil in the people’s hands and give ’em a form to fill out.
A smile at every line, Roswell!!!
The tv and radio, including the abc, is no better and also believe the audience wants to hear the right messages.
Views expressed here are unhappy, regularly, with media, that pustular pompery of political perversions and predatory profiteering. The old foul blood of Murdoch squelches through a skull devoted to egofixated pontifical orgasmic relief of pressures to control destiny ultimately. And behind the Stokes and Costello fronts, pygmy josefs and adolfs romp. There is no “swearing of an oath” to be honest, accurate, positive.