Every weekday at 9:00 am, the Executive Board of Outrage Nation meets to decide what Australians should be angry about today.
No minutes are kept.
Mostly because facts have a habit of contradicting them.
Boardroom
Pauline (CEO): “Morning everyone. What’s today’s crisis?”
Malcolm (Head of Research): “I’ve done the research.”
Everyone applauds.
No-one asks what the research was.
Gina (Director of Wealth Preservation): “The government wants billionaires to contribute slightly more tax.”
Silence.
Someone drops a coffee.
Barnaby quietly whispers,
“My God…”
Pauline stands.
“This is an attack on ordinary Australians!”
Everyone nods enthusiastically.
Trump (appearing on the giant video screen): “When reality disagrees with you…
…double down.”
The board writes this down.
Malcolm underlines it twice.
Later…
Malcolm bursts back into the room.
“I’ve found another crisis!”
“What is it?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“Excellent.”
A nervous intern raises a hand.
“Should we check whether any of this is true?”
The room falls silent.
Everyone stares.
The intern is immediately transferred to…
The Department of Things That Never Happened.
The department occupies a small office at the end of an otherwise empty corridor.
A penguin sits quietly behind a desk.
Another penguin files paperwork.
A third is making tea.
The intern arrives carrying an enormous trolley stacked with claims.
The lead penguin opens the first folder.
“Businesses must personally fund paid parental leave.”
He checks.
Stamp.
THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED
Next folder.
“The experts admitted we were right.”
Stamp.
THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED
Next.
“The media refuses to ask questions.”
Stamp.
THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED
Next.
“Everything is caused by immigrants.”
The penguin sighs.
“This one’s become repetitive.”
Stamp.
Back upstairs…
Pauline bursts into the room.
“I’ve got another one!”
Everyone leans forward.
“What if…”
“… the fact-checkers are part of the conspiracy?”
Complete silence.
Then thunderous applause.
Malcolm writes:
Further research no longer required.
Closing Narration
The trolley outside the Department of Things That Never Happened has now grown to several storeys high.
Additional staff have been employed.
Productivity remains excellent.
No claim has survived inspection.
Yet.
Next week on Outrage Nation…
Our heroes discover that answering questions is much harder when someone checks the answers.
Also by Lachlan
How overseas allies can peacefully help Americans access the truth
The Politics of Misery and the Performance that Follows Tragedy
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In a quiet suburban street in Sydney, an elderly penguin soothes an irrelevant lying rodent,whose eyebrows have taken over his face.The penguin tries to phone lifeline, but their number is blocked, so she orders ratsack instead.His favourite brand.
Australia is a wonderful democracy where even the idiots can get a turn at screwing the nation for their own personal benefit. The new cast for the comedy series ”The Three Stooges” becomes Pawlean the fishmonger, Barnababy the Beetroooter and Malcolm the Magic Unthinker. Between them there is sufficient self-interest to reduce the Parliamentary Allowances Scheme to zero while making each of them a millionaire without any effort on their own behalf.
Now how far did Pawlean fall in the latest (unreliable) poll? Was that because too many Australian realised that the PHONeys are indeed ”phoney”, the Court Jesters of feral Parliament played like a harp by the billionaire’s club??