Job Application: Parliamentary Position
Position Sought: Senior Political Strategist, Lead Candidate, or Deputy Leader (I’m flexible, but I’d look cracking with a title)
Applicant: The Right Honourable Barnaby Joyce, Former Deputy Prime Minister, Professional Headline Generator
Target Organisation: Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party
Date: Imminent
Covering Letter
Dear Pauline,
G’day! Let’s cut the waffle – you’ve seen the headlines, and I’m not here to sip chardonnay with the Canberra glitterati. The Nationals have gone soft, bogged down in Canberra cocktail circuits and worrying about things that don’t matter to the real people out there. I’m done wrestling with coalition partners who’d rather tweet than talk sense.
One Nation’s got the guts to call a spade a spade, and mate, I’ve been wielding shovels my whole career. I’m the bloke who passes the pub test with flying colours – mostly because I’m usually the one taking it, schooner in hand. My straight-talking, bulldust-busting style is a perfect match for your crew. Together, we could round up the conservative vote like a mob of brumbies and give the majors a kick in the pants they’ll feel till the next election.
I’ve attached my CV, which reads like a script for a political soap opera. Keen for a yarn over some fish & chips (wrapped in newspaper, of course, none of white paper nonsense). Let’s make Australia great again, or at least louder.
Yours in the fight for the real Australia,
Barnaby Joyce
(The front-page legend)
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Barnaby Joyce
Political Alias: “The Bulldust Detector” (also answers to “That Bloke from the News Again”)
Profile: A battle-hardened political warrior with a knack for stealing the spotlight, charming the socks off regional Aussies, and surviving scandals that would make lesser pollies cry into their quinoa. Ready to bring my chaos magic to One Nation and shake up the system like a dingo in a chook pen.
Key Skills and Qualifications:
- Headline Hijacker Extraordinaire: Master of hogging news cycles like a kelpie hogs a ute tray. From the “Barnaby-Campion Affair” to “Footpath-gate,” I make headlines stickier than a pub’s carpet.
- Pub Test Patron Saint: I don’t just pass the pub test; I am the pub test. I can boil down policy mumbo-jumbo into words that make sense over a VB and a parmi. Special skill: turning complex debates into bar-room brawls.
- Coalition Sabotage Specialist: Know the Liberal-National machine like the back of my hand (and its weak spots). I’ll help One Nation outflank them faster than you can say “Canberra bubble.”
- Grassroots Rabble-Rouser: A regional rockstar with a loyal (if occasionally confused) fanbase. I can pack a town hall or a beer garden and have them eating out of my hand.
- Scandal-Proof Superpower: Survived more political pile-ons than a cockroach in a nuclear blast. From cabinet scandals to public inquiries, I’ve bounced back every time with a grin and a quip.
Career Highlights and Major Projects:
- Deputy Prime Minister and Nationals Leader: Held the fort as Australia’s No. 2, championing the bush while keeping the Liberals’ inner-city daydreams in check.
- The “Watergate” Wrangle: Smacked Labor with a political haymaker over water buybacks, proving I can spot a weak spot and swing like a pro.
- Inland Rail Ringleader: Pushed this game-changing project harder than a ute stuck in the mud, proving I’ve got vision bigger than Michael “What’s his name” McCormack’s list of unfinished achievements.
- Project “Phoenix”: Rose from the ashes of a scandal that would’ve buried most pollies. Reclaimed the Nationals’ leadership with sheer grit and a few well-timed yarns at the local.
Areas for Development (as confessed over a beer):
- My passion for the people sometimes gets mistaken for “lacking polish” by city slickers who think “decorum” is a personality trait.
- I’ve been known to spark media frenzies that keep journos fed for weeks. Some call it chaos; I call it “keeping the conversation lively.”
Referees:
Available on request, but fair warning: some are current Nationals might need a chilled chardonnay before chatting. For a glowing review, try Jacko, my local barman – he’ll tell you I’m a bloody legend (just don’t mention Albo’s China trip, or you’ll get an earful). Alternatively, any Sky News host will do; they’ve got my number on speed dial.
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Another feather in Barnaby’s cap is that he holds a seat in the House of Representatives which as far as I’m aware would be the only such seat held by One Nation if he departs the Nationals.
On the downside is that Barny will probably lose this seat come the next election if he stands for One Nation, but there you go!
I’m with you, Terry. It will be the end of his political career unless there are enough people in his electorate who would put him over party.
I wonder whether the One Nations campaign tee shirt is suitable for Barnaby… the back reads,
WE’VE GOT THE GUTS TO SAY WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!
With his success in his seat, winning election after election, he just may be right about that mob…. unfortunately.
I don’t know that Barnaby Joyce has enough of a personal following to be able to win an election if he switched parties. As a friend of mine said about Steve Dickhead, he should have stayed with the LNP until just before the election and then switched to One Neuron at stand as a candidate for them. But he didn’t. I wonder just how long he would last in One Notion.
With an application like that, how can he miss out?
The most useless widget ever to occupy a seat in Parliament. Windsor disliked the man intensely.
Boondoggler and s**t stirrer extraordinaire, maybe he should consider spreading his manure around his own turf and leave it at that.
There is another theory doing the rounds based on the fact that Joyce has not, at this stage, actually resigned from the Nationals. Why would you forecast your intended resignation and not actually submit your resignation?
The answer is that Joyce may well be putting a toe in the water to see how many of his National colleagues are offering him support and if the numbers come up right he, and Canavan, will seek to topple Littleproud – already Bridget McKenzie has come out and said that she doesn’t want to see Barnaby leave the party and she is the Deputy Leader of the Nationals.
My advice to David Littleproud is watch your back!
Someone in an Armidale pub asked “What’s the difference between Barnaby Joyce and a large bag of fresh manure?” and the answer from a traveller at the end of the bar was.., “the bag?” And they all smiled quietly…
There’s a cabal from New England, north to just beyond the QLD border that owes Barnyard, the erstwhile accountant for his devious manipulations of tax regimes for them, then as a polly, manipulating those city bastards into free rides for bush pigs.
Not sure that Pawleen would allow him to maintain such fame, and not sure that the bush pigs could trust him to ride high in the saddle without the Nats and Libs. He’s more likely to rinse away to obscurity like Lawsuit-defendant Latham.