Some presidents tackle healthcare, or infrastructure, or employment. Donald Trump, on the other hand, has spent this week doing battle against far more pressing threats: international law, typography, and the dangerous scourge of people noticing things.
Let’s start with the diplomatic masterpiece of the week:
Trump vs. The ICC: The Fight Nobody Asked For
The Trump Administration informed the International Criminal Court that it must amend its founding treaty to guarantee that Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth can never, ever be prosecuted for war crimes. Diplomats in The Hague were seen frantically checking whether this was a prank call from a late-night host.
This is the governmental equivalent of calling the police station and announcing, “Just so we’re clear, I’ll only be obeying the laws that I like.”
International jurists reportedly responded with the traditional legal phrase:
“… what?”
The Health-Report Crackdown: Treason by Observation
Next came Trump’s declaration that journalists who mention his health—his age, his walk, his speech, or any other condition detectable by human senses – are engaging in “sedition” and perhaps even “treason.” White House doctors have been issued blindfolds and noise-canceling headphones for their own protection.
In previous eras, sedition meant trying to overthrow the government.
In 2025, it means “noticing the president looks tired on television.”
Rumour has it that the Surgeon General is preparing a formal advisory warning Americans that “excessive perception” may now be a federal offense. Optometrists are reportedly being registered as potential domestic extremists.
Font-Gate: The Calibri Purge
Then came the icing on the clown cake:
The banning of Calibri.
Calibri, it seems, was too soft, too rounded, too inclusive – a font that believed all letters were created equal.
And in Trump’s America, that sort of behaviour cannot stand.
Times New Roman has been restored as the official font of American diplomacy, presumably because it looks like it wants to invade something. State Department staffers whisper that Comic Sans was briefly considered but was rejected for being “insufficiently authoritarian.”
Sources say Wingdings is on a watchlist.
A Week That Needs No Satirist
And that’s just the last few days: Trump demanding immunity from international justice, threatening the press for observing what they observe, and treating a typeface like it’s plotting a coup.
At this point, satire isn’t so much writing itself as screaming into the void while wearing a straightjacket made of executive orders.
If the Founding Fathers could see the nation now, they’d probably say just one thing:
“… what?”
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Asking for a friend who’s dyslexic… he thinks the article refers to ‘Peek Absurdity.” He said he hasn’t got five years’ worth of phone records or ten of emails, and that he doesn’t engage in social media… no FB, Snapchat, Pinterest, Instagram, WhatsApp etc.
Will he be allowed to go to the USA, or will his cleanskin record seem suspicious, and thus he’ll be denied entry?
It’s now almost impossible to satirise Trump anymore because he has morphed into becoming the progenitor of Homo Satirisus, a living and breathing clueless and unware self satirising form of life.
Canguro,
From what I can remember he’ll be basically forced to sign up for a social media account which must then be made public so they can keep and eye on him IF they allow him into the country in the first place.
I would be immediately flagged as suspicious because I stopped using social media about fifteen years ago and would refuse outright to sign up just to keep the thugs happy. I don’t keep any phone records or email records (never have and never will). Besides I would buy the cheapest and nastiest laptop/tablet and mobile and leave them sealed in my luggage. Pretty much guarantees that I would be kicked out of Trumperica quick smart.
Used to like going to America – a beautiful land. From the mid-eighties things got decidedly worse driven by coercive political BS.
Now under T-Rump, all the tea in China wouldn’t drag me to going to the USA. They can have it to themselves as they eat each other alive.
It could get worse!
Trump’s health is marginal however the voodoo medicine of yippy juice keeps the circus going.