The Liberal Party’s Great Leap Forward (to 1996)

In a bold bid to drag the Liberal Party kicking and screaming into the modern era, Sussan Ley announced plans to hoist the party all the way from the 1950s to the 1990s – “a time,” she said, “when Australia was still proud, free, and mostly white.” That’s right, folks, Ley’s aiming to catapult the Libs from the era of black-and-white TV straight into the golden age of Tamagotchis and mullets. It’s like upgrading from a horse and buggy to a Nokia 5110 – bold, but you’re still stuck with something that beeps and dies if you ignore it.

The announcement came during a closed-door “Future Directions” summit featuring current MPs and Liberal Party elders, including John Howard, Tony Abbott, and Peter Dutton. Andrew Hastie rolled up wearing full camouflage, muttering about being “ready for a leadership spill, just in case.” Picture him polishing his medals while scribbling “PM 2030” on his palm in permanent marker, probably next to “Pick up some milk on the way home.”

I was there, disguised as Cory Bernardi. It was worth it for the scoop.

Ley opened proceedings by declaring that “the Australian people are ready for a modern Liberal Party that understands their concerns – provided those concerns are from before 1996.” But her proposal quickly hit a snag.

John Howard was visibly horrified. “The 1990s?” he gasped, clutching his chest. “Good heavens, that’s practically post-war. It was I who sent the party back to the 1950s, and even then, I didn’t go far enough. We still had women voting.”

Tony Abbott nodded grimly, warning that the 1990s were “a dangerous era” filled with social progress, environmental awareness, and women refusing to do the ironing. “You start accepting the internet,” he muttered darkly, “and next thing you know, people want marriage equality and science.”

Peter Dutton delivered an impassioned speech calling for a return to “common sense” and “traditional values,” while assuring attendees that Australia “never had a problem with racism until people started talking about it.” No word on whether he’s discovered mirrors yet.

Hastie, who spent much of the meeting jotting leadership notes and flexing his military metaphors, urged the party to “restore discipline.” He suggested a military chain of command within the party, starting with him. “We need to stop looking to the past,” he declared, “and start marching toward a future that looks like Rorkes Drift.” (Mate, if you’re aiming for 1879, you’ve overshot Ley’s 1996 target by over a century – maybe ease up on the war reenactments.)

Undeterred, Ley presented a 12-point plan to modernise the party. Among the proposals:

• A commitment to embracing technology “once the fax machine revolution settles.”
• A new women’s engagement policy allowing one female MP to speak per press conference, provided it’s on childcare.
• A climate strategy promising to “acknowledge the weather” by 2040. (Why commit to science when you can just nod at a cloud?)
• A fresh digital media campaign to “meet young voters where they are” – on MySpace.

Malcolm Turnbull, joining via Zoom, offered to help the party “embrace the future,” but was swiftly muted for “ideological interference.” (Bet he’s sipping a martini in his harbourside mansion right now, tweeting furiously about broadband speeds.)

The summit concluded with Howard proposing an amendment: that the party instead aim for “the calm and stability of the 1930s – a golden age for business, nationalism, and men named Menzies.” The motion failed, 52 votes to 1 (and 1 undecided), but nonetheless, Hastie saluted it like it was ANZAC Day.

As attendees departed, Ley thanked them for their “constructive engagement” and assured them that the Liberal Party was “no longer stuck in the past.” “We’re looking confidently to the future,” she said, “and it looks exactly like 1996.” Somewhere, a dial-up modem screeched in approval, and a MySpace page loaded at the speed of a sleepy koala.

Watch out, Australia – the Liberals are coming for your flip phones and Macarena dance moves!

Also by Roswell:

Pauline Hanson’s plan to bring it all back

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