In a move that surprises absolutely no one, President Donald Trump has announced he will be staging a full-scale wrestling match on the South Lawn of the White House – complete with fireworks, folding chairs, a ring-side buffet, and a MAGA-themed mask available in extra large only. (See below for the official fight card).
“I’ve always said politics is a contact sport,” Trump declared, shirt half-unbuttoned, pointing to a gold championship belt with “Best President EVER” bedazzled across the front. “This’ll be the greatest fight night in the history of democracy. George Washington would’ve done it too if he had better ratings.”
Future events are also planned. Coming Soon to the Trump House™:
The Situation Room Sauna
Why sweat national security when you can just sweat? The former crisis nerve centre has now been outfitted with cedar paneling, red mood lighting, and a sign reading, “No Shirts, No Shoes, No Subpoenas.” Trump insists all briefings will now take place “in towels – it’s more transparent that way.”
State Dinners, Bistro Style
Gone are the crystal glasses and 45-47-page menus. Trump’s new chef, “Randy the Rib King,” has introduced the Presidential Pit BBQ: brisket, coleslaw, and Diet Coke served on paper plates bearing the slogan “MAKE AMERICA SAUCEY AGAIN.”
Guests are encouraged to bring their own folding chairs and wear something sleeveless.
The Rose Garden Rodeo
Every Thursday, the Rose Garden becomes a mechanical bull pit. First Lady Melania waves the starter flag while cabinet members compete to see who can stay on longest – Mitch McConnell holds the record at 0.8 seconds.
Press Briefings Meet WWE
Anthony Scaramucci returns to the White House as ringside announcer, flanked by fog machines and pyrotechnics. Journalists must enter via a steel cage and can only ask questions if they survive three rounds with Trump’s new “Chief of Body Slams,” Jim “The Constitution Crusher” Jordan.
The Lincoln Bedroom, Now on Airbnb
Trump insists the White House “should pay for itself.” For $5,000.01 per night (plus cleaning fees), you too can sleep where Lincoln once pondered the future of the Union – just ignore the velvet MAGA drapes and hot tub installed where the desk used to be.
Other Executive Orders in the Pipeline:
- Oval Office renamed the Octagon.
- Cabinet meetings replaced by cage matches.
- State of the Union address to be delivered from a commentary table, shirtless, holding a steel chair.
- All Secret Service agents must now wear sleeveless tuxedos and respond only to wrestling code names.
When asked if this was all a stunt to boost his popularity, Trump snapped back:
“This isn’t a stunt. This is performance governance. The Democrats do theatre – I do pay-per-view.”
White House officials – those still left – declined to comment, though one aide was overheard muttering, “At least the sauna is nice.”
As the American experiment limps onward, bruised and bizarre, one thing is certain:
In Trump’s America, the Constitution has been tagged out… and entertainment is running the show.
OFFICIAL FIGHT CARD
WRESTLEMANIA: WHITE HOUSE SMACKDOWN!
Live from the South Lawn – Sponsored by Truth Social & Pickle Juice Energy™
MAIN EVENT
Trump vs. Giuliani
Special stipulation: First one to forget what they’re doing loses.
Trump to enter in a gold robe to “Eye of the Tiger.”
PRE-SHOW BATTLE ROYALE
The Billionaire Brawl
Mark Zuckerberg vs. Jeff Bezos
- Winner gets naming rights to the Lincoln Bedroom
- Loser has to buy Twitter
Compared by Alex Jones
Tickets start at $50 million or one strategic campaign donation.
All proceeds go to “Legal Fees for Future Patriots”.
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Oh Dear !
I thought this was a bit of satire but I now read that The White House will host a UFC (Ultimate Fight Championship) bout next year as part of events to mark 250 years of American independence, US President Donald Trump has announced.
The event will be a “championship fight” with an audience of 20,000-25,000, Trump told a crowd in Iowa on Thursday.
Trump also has a fondness for another ‘sport’ involving scantily clad young women and what is known as a golden shower which I am reliably informed does not involve gold coins !
Has the man no dignity [rhetorical question]?
That’s right, Terry.
This bit of satire was based on that disrespectful idea.
Everybody with at least two functioning neurons knows that the White house is a circus,so ringmaster Trump is merely doing his job.He also holds the position of head clown.
Stand by for gladiators(hello Russell), chariot races and elephants.
Everything proceeding to a well oiled plan.Fuck me.
He has yet to stage a ‘Miss world’ or probably ‘miss Universe’ competition somewhere appropriate in the White House.