History According to Trump (and Friend): Airports, Secret Raids, and the Europe That Doesn’t Exist
History is being rewritten before our very eyes – not by scholars or historians, but by a president and his most enthusiastic Fox News sidekick. Step aside, Steven Spielberg. Herodotus, take five. Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth are taking over the textbooks, and what a wild ride it is.
It all began this week when Hegseth described the recent Iran bombing raid as “the most complex and secretive military operation in history.” A bold statement for a mission that was live-tweeted in real time, with GPS coordinates conveniently leaked to the press, and multiple TikTok videos showing explosions before the Pentagon even confirmed the strike. Nothing says “secretive” like a coordinated influencer campaign and post-strike merchandise.
Naturally, Trump chimed in, declaring it “one of the most successful military strikes in history.” High praise from a man whose previous military highlight involved deploying the National Guard to keep protestors from bothering his walk to a church with an upside-down Bible. While the Iran strike’s actual impact remains foggy – no confirmed deaths of senior leaders, no change in nuclear posture – Trump insists it’s up there with D-Day and the takedown of bin Laden. Next stop: adding it to Mount Rushmore.
But wait, it gets better.
In one of his recent off-script moments, Trump informed a baffled audience:
“We don’t have any roads in Europe. We don’t have and bridges in Europe.”
What happened to Europe? Was it annexed by China? Demolished by windmills? Maybe Trump was scanning Google Earth on dial-up. Or perhaps he believes the entire continent now resembles a Mad Max wasteland, where people commute on hoverboards powered by resentment and socialism.
And of course, there’s the unforgettable classic:
“Our troops took over the airports” – during the American Revolution.
Yes, the Founding Fathers bravely fought the British redcoats… at LaGuardia. Paul Revere famously tweeted, “The British are coming,” just before boarding a Delta Airlines redeye. Muskets in one hand, boarding passes in the other, the brave patriots secured terminal after terminal in the name of liberty and slightly overpriced pre-flight snacks.
But don’t worry – Trump reassured us long ago:
“I’m a very stable genius.”
Which must explain why history, geography, and logic don’t apply to him. In Trump’s mind, time is bendable, maps are decorative, and facts are just suggestions.
To bring all this together, we now have a version of world history where George Washington conquered British Airways (known as BOAC back then), Europe has no infrastructure, and a live-streamed airstrike counts as the most “secret” mission in military history.
With Pete Hegseth narrating the saga like a Marvel trailer voice-over, and Trump ad-libbing from the Twilight Zone, we’re living in the golden age of historical improvisation.
One thing’s for sure: if Trump wins another term, American kids might be learning about the Revolutionary War baggage fees, the Great Bridge Shortage of Europe, and how the airports were saved – by a very stable genius.
Bring your own time machine.
Also by Roswell:
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Mate, that is a classic.
Yet more and more and even MORE proof that the unspeakably depraved Trump – a pathological liar, notorious misogynistic predator and CONVICTED CRIMINAL – continues to live in his own paranoid, insular little world of megalomaniacal, dangerously undemocratic DELUSIONS! Trump has lost the plot; is as nutty as a box of cashews and the idea that this arrogantly aggressive, erratic and mentally unstable political psychopath has his shaky, irrational finger poised over the Doomsday Button is continuing to terrify anyone who has an IQ stretching into double digits or has the foresight to KNOW that ever since Murdoch-manipulated intellectual midgets in America chose to elevate that aggressive megalomaniacal narcissist (Trump) into a level of autocratic FASCIST power, the world has become a very, very dangerous place!
Trump has the largest neuron in the history of man. He hopes to make another soon but has only made a nephron so far.
As a friend of mine said (where he got it from I don’t know), which I’ve co-opted it for The Orange Emperor: He has two neurons and they’re both fighting for third place.
And so the destruction of democracy continues apace:
https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/trump-handed-giant-win-as-supreme-court-curbs-judges-power-to-block-his-orders-20250628-p5may4.html
Sigh,
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2025/06/27/atf-doge-regulations-cuts-guns/
What’s next, US fireams manufacturers discover Australia is an untapped resource and bribe, er, lobby Donald to lean on us to loosen our gun laws?
If Trump had a full body scan, no sign of intelligence would be detected.
Shit Roswell, you’re setting a very high bar.I’m giving that9.5 out of 10.
Secretive? Sir, the D-Day landings in Normandy and the Australian evacuation from Gallipoli would both like a word with you.
Wow. Thank you, Harry. Now to keep it up.
My latest piece falls a bit short, maybe a C+.