There is too much spin being bowled

Captain Ley is batting on a deteriorating pitch

In the language of cricket, the signs of wear are becoming evident on the pitch. The foundation that Susan Ley is laying before the Australian public following her appointment as captain of Team Australia is starting to reveal its vulnerabilities. Some fissures are so pronounced, stretching well beyond the crease, that they hint at a pitch primed for dramatic turns and unexpected challenges ahead. The need for immediate action is becoming increasingly urgent.

Since assuming the captaincy, her leadership style and batting performance for Team Australia have been alarmingly poor, prompting numerous voices to call for her retirement in disgrace. Observers note that her current form paints a bleak picture, with experts predicting she stands little chance of producing a standout score. In fact, her jittery, uncertain running between the wickets hints at a looming disaster that could see her facing a runout well before her innings draws to a close.

What compels a woman to boldly step into the leadership of a team steeped in a long history of anti-women sentiment? This is a group adrift, drifting aimlessly without a clear sense of its core values and purpose, akin to a ship lost at sea. Once a formidable political force with a strong economic standing, the party now finds itself floundering in the turbulent tides of shifting public opinion. It is a team drained of innovative ideas, with the few remaining concepts met with scepticism and rejection by the very constituents she longs to inspire and represent. What fuels her resolve to confront this daunting challenge in such a chaotic and unpredictable political arena?

The current state of play indicates a subtle but significant shift in how the game is being played. The Prime Minister is firmly on the back foot, composed, playing positively, waiting for the right ball, like any well-bred cricketer with a leftish elegance.

Amidst the thrilling atmosphere of the match, the Opposition team leader’s bowling has faltered considerably. In fact, her deliveries have strayed too far from the crease, resulting in several no-balls that have frustrated both her team and the spectators.

Now, let’s delve into an analysis of the game up to this point, keeping in mind that this is just the beginning of an intense five-test series spread over three years, with the tantalising possibility of extending into another three if the competition persists.

Despite an ageing, out-of-form team of over-the-hill players who seemingly lost touch with the modern game years ago, Captain Ley seems determined to take the game back to the W.C. Grace era. However, there is talk that she might change the lineup for the next match. “We need new bowlers who can swing the bloody thing to the right, she was heard to say.” This underlines the pressing need for a change in direction.

Of course, the Murdoch press is playing ball with all the negative play. They continue to support her captaincy despite her atrocious decisions. I mean, when you’re batting on a green top, why on earth would you bowl so much spin? Poor form, that.

On the other hand, social media has stumped a few batters by hurling a lot of fast, positive commentary at an opposition deemed to be the worst since… I cannot remember when.

Sinking to underarm stuff, a reference to a controversial and unsportsmanlike tactic in cricket, is simply being girlish; they have Ley’s captaincy. You would think she would recognise it’s time to concentrate on the finer points of the game and consider traditional fair play. Even the umpires have chatted to her about tampering with the Vice Captain’s balls, a metaphor for her questionable decisions and actions.

The fact is, they have been caught behind too many times and need to play ball with the umpiring public. At the rate Ley is scoring, she is unlikely to captain the side in the new year, although she did have a couple caught in her slips. There is also some doubt about the team’s composition: Some are saying that Timmy Wilson should be dropped or at least get a manager because he has been handling himself for too long.

Another on the back foot, as it were, is Angus, who it is said is always short of breath (or a length) and is finding it difficult to run between the wickets. Reading the rules while waiting to bat must be detrimental to one’s performance, so he always seems to be full of shit and needs to read the rules.

Ley was well out of her crease and stumped several times when she wouldn’t give an undertaking that the team would treat the governing team fairly. Instead, opting to hit them with appeal after appeal. Meanwhile, the most righteous of the right sit in the member’s pavilion, clapping her every shot even though she had not yet made a run after three hours at the crease.

It’s fair to say that the Opposition is playing as though they have no leader, and everyone is telling her how to play. Ley looks bewildered as if she cannot decide on the batting order, given that so many are out of form, out of touch, or cannot get the right length. Of course, with four women now in the top order, the team, for some reason, has an oversupply of boxes.

Barnaby Joyce is now a bit beyond it and has been on a pair twice in the last two tests. The pacemen Morrison, Dutton and Littleproud have been swinging the ball so far to the right that they are continuously no-balled.

Well, they did bowl over the carbon tax many test series ago, but the entire team still seems to be confused by the difference between weather and climate, which doesn’t go well for the quality of future pitches.

The spectators have been hit for six on this one. It may be time to bring on the quicks. A bit of bodyline or direct action of the right sort is needed.

After bowling a few maidens over, there can be no doubt that Joyce is thirsty.

He has taken one on the chin over his hypocrisy. I mean, you can’t believe that the game should be played transparently, fairly, and in the best interests of the game one day and then just change the rules to suit yourself the next. This highlights the crucial need for transparency and honesty in the game.

Actually, this test has been a balls-up all around, and the bowler has been no-balled four times during the current over while trying to get the point across. The fact is that there was little to be proud of, with no initial policies, which are being comprehensively hit to square leg, and the team mascot, “Coal Dust Canavan” was seen chasing stray balls to retrieve them because he was not guaranteed a second knock.

Hastie nicked one over the slips from Tony Burke but was caught out in Paris. Burkey can still throw down a quick one when he wants to. Reminds me of something Merv Hughes said to a spectator at fine leg at the G after dropping a catch; “Fn hopeless.” Andrew said he could bat up the order, but he had nothing to ‘Bragg” about either.

Ley’s team is appallingly bad. It’s a pity they can’t appeal to the third umpire. Once upon a time, it was a gentlemen’s game, and we played by traditional rules, but Captain Ley seems to have let it all roll into the gutter. She has replaced everything our beloved game stands for: Lillee’slee’s white lies. Even pink panties have now been replaced with white ones. All the video replays confirm it. And the austerity Morrison has imposed on the game – it’s a crying shame. I think he has been batting with the breeze for the last two years, or perhaps he was hit with a bouncer while not wearing a helmet. A concussion set in, and when he recovered, he realised that there are real, known facts in the world and that truth does matter.

When I found out about all the lies and hypocrisy, any respect I had for the captain of His Majesties Opposition was hit for six. My God, I felt like I had just been hit in the nuts by Malcolm Marshall; I was so distressed. Bloody hypocrite. No wonder a captain who can’t bat isn’t a cricketer’s arsehole. No wonder she is on a pair.

Then, during the lunch break, she complained about the cost of living (or lifestyle?) pressures on the players and suggested that it was perfectly okay to receive expenses even if they were given to spouses. Nothing worse than a bloody all-rounder who can only bowl arm balls. It was also that the public appealed against his version of free speech; otherwise, she might never have shut up.

Then after lunch, she brings on her slowest bowler to bowl Chinaman deliveries. In a recorded interview before the play, she was quoted as saying that she was stumped as to why the game had never appealed to the commos.

Goodness knows Price is reasonable at bowling spin on sticky wickets. She was on a hat-trick, but the umpire dismissed her third appeal based on an obstructed view – something to do with body mass after completing the delivery.

The close of play at the tea break was a blessing: Ley and her team had shown little desire to get on with the game anyway. Ley gave the impression she would rather play her own game, but the middle order seems to have her by the short and curlies (as the old Aussie saying goes). The team treasurer is still claiming that the team budget was fair despite some members receiving more than others. Well, they did want a mixed team.

After a long, drawn-out final session, the captain of “Team Sharkie” (as it was known under the previous Captain Scotty Morrison AC) looks intent on a draw of sorts and doesn’t seem to have the spectators on her side. Her captaincy shows little innovation or flamboyancy, and the team is in disarray. The pitch is deteriorating, and she shows little inclination to arrest the appalling governance of the game by herself and her team.

At the after-play drinks, one disgruntled player in the Opposition was heard saying, “That bloody Albabanese must have been born with two dicks. He couldn’t be that stupid playing with one.”

My thought for the day

I always used to say to my kids: Think beyond the answer. There’s sure to be another one lurking there somewhere.

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