What I wished I’d known at 45

It was a question, asking for advice, I think. I’m old, much older than 45, so the question may well have been asking for guidance or advice.

Can you tell me one thing you know now that you wished you’d known at 45?

And it set me thinking. Looking back in the memory bank can be fraught with fears and joys, but 45 is a time when memories appear to be a bit thin on the ground.

Memory is a strange part of who we are, what we remember, what triggers our memories, how accurate are our memories.

It just so happened that I had borrowed a book from the local library which explores the science of memory, ‘Why we remember: the science of memory and how it shapes us’ by Dr Charan Ranganath, and yes, memories of being 45 are a bit thin on the ground are actually a thing according to the good doctor. We tend to be a bit too busy living the active life of mid-life, raising children, plodding along in our careers, struggling to meet mortgage payments, school fees and so forth.

It’s such a busy time that the important things of life get missed, and the creativity which marked our growing up, the time between 10 and 30 years of age when dreams were motivations for exploring, for imagining and to set the foundation for who we become by the time we reached that almost midpoint in life, at 45.

In growing up with music, the music of our time, there have been many artists who have died at 27. They form what is known as the 27 Club, artists such as Jim Morrison from the Doors, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones from the Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, just to mention a few. My interest in the 27 Club was sparked during the 1980s with a song by a Christian musician Larry Norman in a song where he asked; ‘Why should the devil have all the good music?’, and the reason it seems is that the devil has taken these musicians at the peak of their creativity so that his music is always more seductive to young people than the music of aging rock stars. Old people will reminisce with the Doors, with Jimi Hendrix and so forth, and enjoy the continued careers of others who had not been taken because of their familiarity, predictability. But for the young, there is new music, far more exciting, seductive than the old stuff.

And yes, that fits in with the memory thing. Creativity peaks in the mid twenties for most people, and it makes sense that it should; the exuberance of youth and the exploration of talent, development of skills come together then, and a career is formed. Not saying that creativity stops, it will continue to develop, but if we look for example at Bob Dylan, his most creative work, and the move from acoustic to electric guitars was about then, and his creative patterns had been established. He continued and continues to write and perform new music, but it is not the groundbreaking music of his early 20s.

Likewise with various artists, writers, painters and so forth, their exploration of their talents mature, the focus on career sees them follow a path which was laid in the earlier stages of their career.

But that does not mean that life comes to a sudden stop, that creativity and growth are somehow stalled at say 30, no, life goes on but the changes of career, marriage and the various ‘restrictions’ that place on life allow for a treading of water, continuing on the known path.

The current President of the World Bank is Ajay Banga. He was appointed to the five-year-term in 2023, and on moving into his rather plush corner office, redecorated to remove the mustiness of the old guard and refurnished with light, contemporary furnishings and removed the classic paintings to be replaced with framed motivational sayings.

Three in fact:

• Question Everything Always
• Done Is Better Than Perfect
• Fail Harder

How pertinent are those sayings for a 45 year old, facing the pressures of life?

‘Question everything’ suggests that in the humdrum routine of career, of family life, of relationships, there could be a bit of auto pilot, of going through the motions, accepting that the job, career is well enough established to turn up, do enough to pass the day and go home. That in dealing with the marriage, a sort of tedium, a repetitiveness, a formula is working, decisions are made without too deep an exploration of alternatives, the romance has sort of cooled a bit to a perfunctionary existence, focus is on the kids, and life is a bit tiresome, tiring, the end of the day is to collapse in front of the TV as some mindless programme dulls the brain.

So question everything, don’t think that it’s OK, we make it through another day, another week, another year of passionless just doing. The questioning is not a call to judge others as much as to question yourself. Question why we do things as we do. Is there a better way?

It’s the Socrates type of questioning: What do I want the world to look like, and what do I need to do to make it look like that?

Perfection is hard, and often too hard. This is particularly so when dealing with people. To demand perfection raises the bar by which we measure to an almost unachievable height.

Perfection is what God demands, absolute obedience to His laws, and that bar is so high that He had to find a way around accepting that people are not perfect. He kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden because of a piece of fruit. Made them toil for their sustenance. Punished them for not being perfect.

‘Done is better than perfect’ – complete the tasks to the best of our abilities.

A friend plays the ancient instrument – the Oud – in a couple of music ensembles, and I commented on how much he had improved after a recent performance. He had worked hard to be as good as one of the masters, a man who is a professional musician, and found that no matter how hard he tried, he could not match the master’s musical perfection. So he decided to play for himself, to do the best that he could. He is not professional, he makes his living working for a transport company driving fork lifts. Music is his hobby. Just being on stage with his fellow musicians, making music is one of his greatest joys, and the joy I get listening to their music bring me much pleasure. Done is better than perfect.

‘Fail harder’ is an interesting motivator; it sounds more like a put off than a come on. But again, if we reflect on creative endeavours, no one fails more than an artist.

Creating a masterpiece is testing the waters, to walk into an artist’s studio is to see dozens of canvases with works which may be on hold, or discarded, to be painted over, tried again. A musical composition grows in much the same way, a bit of tinkling on the piano keys, or plucking strings on the guitar, jamming with friends or band members, try and try again to get the sound, the melody to be what is in the head.

The writer, the poet writes the words and edits, rewrites, adds bits, takes bits out, has it read by someone else until there a point at which ‘it’s done’.

So what would I tell a 45 year old that I wished I’d known at 45?

Probably to question everything, that done is better than perfect, to fail harder.

But most importantly ask those questions of yourself, again and again and again.

Also by Bert Hetebry: Let’s no look at Africa

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