There is a scene in the old movie, Camelot where King Arthur is frustrated… befuddled may be a better word, as he rails against the futility of controlling women, more specifically, his queen, Guenevere, until he remembers some advice Merlin gave him long ago:
Blast you Merlin! This all your fault!
You swore that you had taught me everything fro A to Z
With nary an omission in between
Well, I shall tell you what
You obviously forgot
That’s how a ruler rules a Queen!
And what of teaching me by turning me to animal and bird?
From beaver to the smallest bobolink
I should have had a whirl
To change into a girl
To learn the way the creatures think!
But wasn’t there a night on a summer long gone by?
We passed a couple wrangling away
And did I not say, “Merlin, what if that chap were I?”
And did he not give counsel and say…
What was it now? My mind’s a wall
Oh yes, by Jove, now I recall….
How to handle a woman
Mark me well said the wise old man
A way known by every woman
Since the whole rigmarole began
“Do I flatter her?” I begged him answer
“Do I threaten, or cajole, or plead?
Do I brood, or play the gay romancer?”
Said he smiling, “No, indeed”
How to handle a woman
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her,
Simply love her
Merely lover her
Love her
Love her
Too often men unlearn that lesson.
A friend recently spoke about her father. He loved her, supported her, encouraged her and her twin sister as they grew up. But he was a ruthless husband to their mother. Violent. The beatings were vicious, but no one came to help her. In those days, it was the mother’s fault, she must have done something to deserve what ever punishment was meted out.
Too often that sort of story is told as women bore the brunt of their men’s anger, blame is shifted to the woman, not being subservient enough, not respecting the husband’s role as lord and master.
A bit of light reading, books I have had for a while now, but took time to re-read, to rethink what may be the problem, why is there so much domestic violence, why are so many women suffering under the brutality of those who supposedly love them.
‘Men who hate women’ by Laura Bates, published 2020, and ‘Alpha God’ by Hector A. Garcia, published 2015.
Both books deal with the the relationship between men and women but from different perspectives, yet there is a common thread, the cultural, or the innate power imbalance between men and women.
What I find particularly interesting is in the Laura Bates book; the influence of social media in promulgating hate. Chapter after chapter, vile language, put downs, threats of violence, threats of rape directed at women in general and toward particular women who have dared raise themselves above the parapet, made a target by speaking out. In other words, hate speech. Men complaining of being unloved by women, unable to find a woman to have sex with, and using online chats to threaten violence against women, to rail against the feminist movement which has sought to ‘raise’ women to an almost equality with men.
Bates quotes the founder of a website, ‘A voice for men’ commenting on October being domestic violence awareness month, that is should be called ‘Bash a bitch month’. The site has a following of thousands and the content combines misogyny and violent rhetoric towards women and feminism with coverage of issues genuinely impacting men, along with inflammatory and misleading statements.
A major concern is the way in which sexism and violence against women is played out in politics. The (dare I say ‘alleged’) rape of Brittany Higgins in the parliamentary office of her boss, Linda Reynolds, is still in the news, seven years later. The continued denial that he raped her has seen Bruce Lehrmann face a criminal trial (which was aborted because of a jury member seeking outside information while serving), face a civil action where it was deemed that he was guilty to a civil standard, that, yes, it is highly probable that he did indeed rape Ms Higgins, then he sued for defamation of character, a case he lost, and lost again on appeal and still not satisfied, taking the appeal to the High Court.
Lehrmann is facing another rape charge, and his ongoing legal battles are costing millions he does not have. But he continues to get headlines, and continues to have supporters denying the rape allegations… and despite his not having money, can find senior lawyers to represent him.
Linda Reynolds, who used the line ‘lying cow’ in referring to her staffer, Ms Higgins. was slighted when social media posts generated by Ms Higgins and her partner upset her, and won a civil case claiming defamation of character, and the mental anguish of having been insulted on-line, the final costs to be met by Ms Higgins who despite having had a $2.4 million payout has decreed bankruptcy. It is unlikely Ms Reynolds will get the money, but the fury with which the rape allegations and subsequent court battles have played out are a clear reminder that in the opinion of many, rape is either a false charge or the ‘woman was asking for it’.
Nothing unusual here, when we consider politics elsewhere, such as in the US, when Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was facing the nomination process in the Senate, he was accused of having sexually assaulted a woman. Donald Trump, in defending Kavanaugh suggested that the testimony was false, was invented, a conspiracy. ‘They destroy people, these really are evil people,’ he said, playing directly into the manosphere narrative of false rape allegations being used to destroy men’s lives and careers.
There are many more examples, many from Trump, but also Boris Johnson during his time as Prime Minister and in his earlier career in journalism, and here in Australia with One Nation promoting their policy on domestic violence in 2017, which is still on their web page so still the current policy was presented at the National Press Club where the then Leader of Queensland’s One Nation Party, repeated the discredited ‘fact’ that ‘there are up to twenty one fathers killing themselves every week in this country, and people need to be aware of that.’
And so it goes, example after example of men blaming women because they are somehow missing out, whether missing out on sex, or demeaning women, characterising them as less than men. But that comes from nowhere strange. The blame game has been going for quite a while really, perhaps even started by the Alpha God, remember, it was the woman who gave Adam the fruit which had them kicked out of the Garden of Eden.
The Alpha God is good at hatred and division, even genocide. Islam is a violent religion, but am probably not permitted to say that Judaism is too, as is Christianity.
Islam as a religion controls women, places them in a position of servitude to men, but so does Christianity, so does Judaism, so does Hindu. Hector A. Garcia goes chapter and verse through the holy books where time and again women are chattels, owned by men, subservient, less than men. The Alpha God loves control, even to the point of killing women who are adulterous, punishing women for not being virgins when they marry, and as spoils of war, virgins become a prize for the taking… both the Bible and in the Koran.
That level of misogyny and hate which fuels violence against women is rife in politics today, and most evident when we look into the movers and shakers on the right of politics. Charlie Kirk preached a message which saw women as wombs, bearers of children. The removal of hard-won rights such as the right to abortion, contraception and family planning, gay marriage and others, if not already removed are on the agenda, and the influence of the Christian Right has on the Liberal Party here raised as issues to win votes. To paint a black and white world, where and men rule women are reduced being chattels, to do men’s bidding, to accept that as a God ordained order, it reduces the ability to consider women as real people, intelligent, capable, equal to men. It removes the will for critical thinking.
To take the Alpha God as the creator of humanity and the writer of the rules by which to live, that women are not only subservient to men, but are reduced to objects for the gratification of men, and add the poisonous anonymity of social media to promote the vileness and viciousness, that a male politician can make off-colour comments which go unchallenged in mainstream media, but when three female politicians are heard playing a game of ‘shoot, shag or marry’ they are called out, it becomes headline news and there is an immediate call for an apology.
The Alpha God has created men to be seen as desirable mates for women, protectors, providers, and in return the woman becomes virtually enslaved. She submits because he provides, and that too is part of the courtship game.
The violence against women is a form of terrorism, driven by unthinking belief in the rightness of religious creeds which place women in a position of powerlessness, and needs to be considered as hate speech in the Bondi Royal Commission, fifteen people were murdered in one hate fuelled attack, last year 53 women were murdered in domestic violence attacks.
So how apt is the Camelot song title, ‘How to handle a woman”? How should men handle women?
Is it really a question worth considering, as we see more women being killed by their partners.
Are there ‘red flags’ evident in a relationship before ‘hooking up’?
Another song by Cowboy Junkies:
I said “Mama, he’s crazy and he scares me
But I want him by my side
Though he’s wild and he’s bad
And sometimes just plain mad
I need him to keep me satisfied”
I said “Papa, don’t cry cause it’s alright
And I see you in some of his ways
Though he might not give me the life that you wanted
I’ll love him the rest of my days”
Misguided angel hangin’ over me
Heart like a Gabriel, pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer, black and cold as a piece of lead
Misguided angel, love you ‘till I’m dead.
I said “Brother, you speak to me of passion
You said never to settle for nothing less
Well, it’s in the way walks
It’s in the way he talks
His smile, his anger and his kisses”
I said “Sister, don’t you understand?
He’s all I ever wanted in a man
I’m tired of sittin’ around the TV every night
Hoping I’m finding Mr Right”
Misguided angel hangin’ over me
Heart like a Gabriel, pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer black and cold as a piece of lead
Misguided angel, love you ‘till I’m dead
He says “Baby, don’t listen to what they say
There comes a time when you have to break away”
He says “Baby there are things we all cling to all our life
It’s time to let them go and become my wife
Misguided angel hanging over me
Heart like a Gabriel, pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer black and cold as a piece of lead
Misguided angel love you till I’m dead.
(Margo Timmins/Michael Edward Timmins, 1988)
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Maybe the whole question is wrong. Instead of thinking “how do I handle a woman?” – which can imply control – you should be asking “how do we handle our lives together?”
So many young men today are operating under the impression that they are owed female subservience – sexually, domestically, socially, in the workplace – and this is deliberately fueled by the online manosphere. They are constantly bombarded with contradictory ultra-masculine standards and advice, from the likes of Andrew Tate and his podcasting wannabe-clones. It’s toxic and it only serves to alienate them even further from what they claim to want: a viable relationship.
News, fellas: having dangly bits downstairs doesn’t make you special. You aren’t the default. You aren’t messiahs, you’re just a bunch of naughty boys who far too often haven’t even mastered basic personal hygiene. Grow up, learn to be decent people, learn to take care of yourselves, understand that women are people too. Maybe then you’ll get lucky.
About time this was discussed in an open forum, and thank you Leefe for your well thought out and considered response.
There’s been a lot of damage all round for both sexes due to flawed thinking by religious means in addition to complete lack of sexual understanding of the self, let alone anybody else and its many aspects of relationships!
I came across this link a few years ago and its very interesting material so maybe a good place to start asking lots of questions and discovery….
https://myss.com/the-masculinity-no-one-is-talking-about/
Yes, the example offered “how do I handle a woman?” – which does imply control has nothing to do with ‘fixing things’, we’re not talking about changing a tyre on a car!
Fun fact. Korea prior to WWII and the subsequent Korean War was essentially a nation where divorce did not occur. It was also a deeply patriarchal society; men were in charge, called the shots, and women were subservient.
The post-war opening up of Korean society to western influence, especially American, included the establishment of many universities and for the first time equality of opportunity for both sexes to benefit from a tertiary education. Women, in particular, took notice of default behavioural roles in other societies and began to question the primacy of the millennial play of patriarchal behaviour.
Divorce rates today run to around 50%. Astoundingly, many divorces are initiated within the first few weeks or early months of marriage. Young women fall in love, accept the marriage proposal, and then find that they’ve married a man who wants them to replace mummy, to do their washing, cook for them, clean up after them, be at the beck of their every whim. Be careful for what you wish for… the liberalisation of Korean women has been something of a profound culture shock for that society.
Someone “said” that he and his wife were quite happy and satisfied with life for twenty five or so years, and then “we met”. If we could suspend, even destroy, Superstition, and install Humanity, we might do better. (I have no faith in Faith). Individuality and relationships surely require constant attention, kindness, prudence. We all deserve that.
Hmmmm ….. back in the days of my secondhand book empire I received a marriage guidance manual written by an SJ, a Catholic order (for the Proddies) that preaches (and practices?) celibacy for clerics.
Seems that the recommendations regarding sexual congress were taken straight out of a 14th century manuscript to guarantee as little pleasure as possible, preferably none.
Uhm ….. how could a practicing Catholic cleric proselytise on a subject that they allegedly ”avoid”??
Ripper of a read, Bert.
Yes Bert Hetebry, indeed, in the ‘West’ (in particular) it seems to go on and on.
I much prefer what I am told of the Oz First Nations folk’s perspective (in English terms) that ‘the past, the present and the future are all one and indivisible’.
It seems to make for a far greater individual and collective responsibility. That is until the ‘West’ arrived bringing with it the ‘divide and conquer’ stupidity on the greedy foundations of the Greko-Romans’ quest for the land of the Scythians, and the bulls of the likewise greedy Pope Alexander VI (a notorious Borgia) – the Doctrine of Discovery. All the ‘West’ took it up, protestant and catholic alike, including the Puritans that laid into America.
Oz ought heed its First Nations folk: “‘Dreaming’, or to be more exacting in English, ‘the Every-where and When’. This concept encompasses the past, the ever-present now, and the future. It is an attempt to ground the metaphysical beginning and the ever-present now through personal experience in the material cosmos …” (Indigenous Australian Philosophy. Issue 167, Philosophy Now, Ross Naidoo).
Oooops. Apologies Bert et al,
Posted the above to the wrong article.
My quick comment to this article would be, “Respect”.