As overheard by someone just trying to enjoy a coffee
There were only two of them, but they made the kind of noise and emotional waves you’d expect from a panel discussion, a court deposition, and a live TikTok all happening at once.
I was three sips into my flat white when they arrived – one animated, radiant with unspent opinions and unfinished sentences; the other… quieter, already nodding before she’d even sat down.
From the very first; “Okay so you’re not ready for this,” I knew I’d be a witness, not a participant, in what was about to unfold.
The dominant one – I’ll call her Main Character – launched directly into a 45-minute, breathless spoken-word piece about the emotional terrorism of Year 11 drama class and how someone named “Tilly or maybe like… Brooklyn-Tilly” had “full sent a Notes App apology… but like with Canva graphics??”
She changed accents mid-sentence for effect. She gestured with such velocity she nearly knocked over her matcha twice. Her phone buzzed – she didn’t check it. She didn’t need to. This was her stage.
The second girl – possibly named Jade or just “babe” – nodded emphatically throughout, occasionally interjecting with heartfelt phrases like:
“Oh my god.”
“No because same.”
“That’s literally unwell.”
At one point, she tried to tell a brief story of her own – something about a cousin and a weird family dinner – but Main Character blinked right through it and picked up exactly where she left off, as if her friend had temporarily filled airtime during an ad break.
They were there for 90 minutes. One talked. The other nodded like a dashboard bobblehead in emotional support mode.
Then, as suddenly as they arrived, Main Character stood, declared, “I needed this. You’re honestly like my therapist but not annoying,” and they left.
Silence returned.
I looked down. My coffee had gone cold. My book sat untouched. My soul, slightly frayed.
Next time, I’m bringing headphones. Or a recording contract – girl was committed.
Also by Lachlan McKenzie:
Australia Needs a Real Opposition – Not the Ruins of the LNP
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And we wonder why the country has gone to shit.
I’ve been puzzled & perplexed at the decline in linguistic skills with younger people for years. The insinuation of the word ‘like’ into every sentence, like maybe, like, three times each sentence, just, like, wears out my brain, it frazzles the, like, neurons, to be so, like, assaulted by such, like, vulgar and mindless denigration of what was once, like, a beautiful language. It would be better if they just shut their mouths and said, like, nothing at all.
Or, like, more better, spoke intelligently crafted sentences without the massive overuse of padded words that contribute nothing to the syntactical and semantic content.
Canguro,
Don’t forget the other classics, “Oh, my god.” and “Awesome.” There’s nothing like hearing a 7 year looking at something on their mobiles or in shop window, “Oh, my god, look at that!” or “Awesome!” Combination of the two with a “like” or two added, “Oh, my god. It’s like awesome!” Don’t know how many times I’ve heard variations of that sort of tooth grinding bullshit spouted by under 20’s (not all mind you but a fair proportion).
At 50, a deputy principal, the drama teacher had an emergency, took a month off and I shared her classes around, taking the year 11s. I had imagined drama as an east class but I was exhausted at the end of each lesson and so grateful when she came back a week early.
Friends: speakers and hearers are normal as are dominant and submissive.
ps
Awesome used to be wow, astounding, effing amazing, sh.. hot