Sussan Ley’s Morrison-Inspired Shadow Ministry Marathon

Note: This article is satire.

The LNP is in tatters after a bruising federal election earlier this month, plummeting to just 39 seats in the House of Representatives while Labor, under Anthony Albanese, soared to a commanding 87 seats. With former leader Peter Dutton losing his own electorate of Dickson to Labor’s Ali France in a 6.2% swing, the opposition is struggling to fill a shadow cabinet, let alone mount a credible challenge.

Enter Opposition Leader Sussan Ley, who’s taken a page straight out of Scott Morrison’s playbook, secretly appointing herself to a dozen shadow ministries in a desperate bid to keep the party afloat. It’s a record-breaking act of political chaos – and Canberra’s never seen anything quite like it.

Scott Morrison may have retired from Parliament after the 2022 election, but his legacy of chaotic multitasking lives on. During the 2020-2022 COVID crisis, Morrison infamously took on five portfolios – Health, Finance, Industry, Home Affairs, and Treasury – without telling his own ministers, a move that earned him both ridicule and a strange kind of admiration for sheer audacity.

Now, with the Coalition reduced to a skeleton crew, Sussan Ley has decided to emulate her former leader, channeling Morrison’s “one-man band” energy to save the opposition from irrelevance. “Scotty showed us one person can do it all,” Ley reportedly told a colleague, before swearing herself in as Shadow Minister for Defence, Health, Education, and Climate Change – all before breakfast on Friday.

Ley was spotted outside Parliament House, wearing a camouflage jacket as Shadow Minister for Defence, handing out Medicare cards as Shadow Minister for Health, and planting a tree as Shadow Minister for Climate Change. “Miracles happen when you take on the lot!” she grinned, echoing Morrison’s knack for dodging accountability with a smile. When a journalist pointed out that the Coalition’s climate policy still leans heavily on fossil fuels, Ley quipped, “I’m also the Shadow Minister for Energy – coal’s my afternoon shift!” It’s a one-woman shadow cabinet, and Ley’s not slowing down.

At a press conference meant to unveil the opposition’s new direction, Ley accidentally revealed her Morrison-inspired strategy. She rattled off plans for defence spending, healthcare reform, education funding, and foreign affairs in one breath. “As Shadow Minister for, well, everything, I’ve got a plan to cut public sector jobs, boost GP visits, and maybe challenge China to a cricket match!” she declared, channeling Morrison’s love for a photo-op.

When asked if she’d consulted her colleagues, Ley chuckled, “I didn’t tell them – just like Scotty taught me! It’s all under control.” She then pulled out a ukulele to “soothe the nation,” a move straight out of Morrison’s playbook during his infamous Hawaii holiday amid the 2019-2020 bushfires. The press gallery was left in stunned silence, with one reporter muttering, “She’s breaking the record for most portfolios held by a single MP!”

Ley’s Morrison obsession reached new heights at a “strategy retreat” in the Shire – Morrison’s old stomping ground – where she secretly added Shadow Minister for Infrastructure, Indigenous Affairs, and Women’s Issues to her roster.

She was seen sketching highway plans on a napkin, drafting a new Voice to Parliament policy, and hosting a women’s leadership seminar, all while wearing a Sharks jersey in honor of Morrison’s Cronulla roots. An unnamed Liberal MP whispered, “She’s even started saying ‘I don’t hold a hose’ when we ask about policy details!” By the end of the retreat, Ley unveiled a new opposition slogan: “One Ley, Many Ways,” leaving the party both inspired and utterly confused. A Liberal staffer quipped, “She’s taken Morrison’s miracle and turned it into a marathon!

Back in Canberra, Ley has taken Morrison’s secrecy to the next level, running a shadow government from her office without telling anyone. She’s the Shadow Minister for Home Affairs and Communications, as well as Shadow Treasurer, all while pretending to be “just doing her job as leader.”

A hot mic caught her muttering, “Scotty would be proud – I’ve got the budget, the borders, and the NBN in my hands!” Her staff found her at 2 a.m., drafting tax cuts, redesigning immigration policies, and writing a 5G rollout plan. When confronted, Ley shrugged, “I prayed about it, as Scotty did, and the answer was clear: I’m the miracle the Coalition needs!” The party, still reeling from their election loss, has dubbed her “Ley-ser Beam” for her ability to be everywhere at once.

Sussan Ley’s Morrison-inspired takeover has turned the opposition into a one-woman show, with her juggling more portfolios than the Coalition has seats. Social media is ablaze with #LeyOfAllTrades and #ShadowScotty, while memes of Ley Photoshopped into every job imaginable flood X. Prime Minister Albanese, fresh off his landslide victory, quipped at a press conference this morning, “If Sussan’s running the whole opposition, I might just send her my cabinet agenda – she’s already doing half my job!”

In this chaotic new era of Australian politics, Ley’s record-breaking act of desperation proves one thing: when the Coalition’s down to its last play, it’s time to channel the spirit of Scotty himself. Whether that’s a miracle or a meltdown, only time will tell – but for now, Ley’s shadow ministry marathon is the talk of the town.

Also by Michael Taylor: Oh boy, George

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