I just couldn’t help myself. The “Trump, Bots, and the Battle for the Algorithm” post published earlier today was screaming for some parody:
Deep in a secret warehouse somewhere between Mar-a-Lago and a discarded MyPillow factory, thousands of bots are hard at work… tweeting. Posting. Liking. Sharing. Retweeting. Reposting. Re-reposting. Their mission? Simple:
Make Donald Trump look like the most beloved man on Earth – even if only by people who don’t exist.
By day, these bots pose as American patriots with usernames like @TruckGuy1776 and @RealMum4Jesus2.0. By night, they moonlight as retired coal miners from Ohio with 24-hour posting schedules and suspiciously flawless spelling. Every post begins with “I’m not political, but…” and ends with a demand to arrest Obama. Their profiles boast AI-generated selfies of rugged marines or suburban mums, always holding a bald eagle or a Bible – sometimes both. The eagle is usually blurry, but the patriotism is crystal clear.
When CNN exposed their existence, the bots immediately responded – with 800,000 identical tweets calling CNN “FAKE NEWS!” in less than four minutes. Impressive. Especially for people who were all supposedly “walking their dogs” at the time. Sources whisper that the warehouse’s servers overheated from the sheer volume, forcing a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts to power the operation.
Facebook hasn’t removed them. X hasn’t noticed them. The truth? They’re more consistent than most real voters. One bot, reportedly named @PatriotBotX347, has posted “TRUMP 2028!!!” every 19 seconds since April. Another, @FreedomEagle420, claims to be a “proud grandma of 17” who follows 12,493 accounts – all of them Trump fan pages or crypto scams. Coincidence? Unlikely.
Even Mark Zuckerberg chimed in:
“They’re not bots. They’re highly engaged digital patriots.”
Sources say the bots – sorry, engaged digital patriots – are preparing for 2029, when they hope to be appointed to key positions in the next Trump administration. The ever-loyal @PatriotBotX347 is already shortlisted for Press Secretary. His only competition? @TrumpBotX454748.
Meanwhile, a smaller breakaway faction of bots – led by @EagleEyedConstitutionalist1775 – has launched a whisper campaign to nominate Roger Stone as Trump’s running mate. The plan? Flood the internet with AI-generated images of Trump and Stone shaking hands in front of a bald eagle, a burning constitution, and a superyacht named “Suckers.” Bot @PutinLovesUSA54357 accidentally replaced Stone with Boris Johnson, so was unplugged.
Analysts predict the bots could soon outnumber actual Republican voters – which, in Trump’s eyes, just proves they are the voters. As he reportedly told aides last week:
“I don’t Care if they’re Bots. THEY LOVE ME. That’s what Matters. God Bless the United States of America. Thank you for your Attention.”
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