The LNP’s “do-nothing” facade masks a flurry of activity. Behind the scenes, they’re caught in a whirlwind of fruitless meetings, rehashed rhetoric, and a frantic quest for relevance. Let’s dive into a day in the life of Barny Blake MP, LNP backbencher from Regional Somewhere, to capture the essence of their “busy doing something” vibe.
6:30 AM
Barny rolls out of bed, checks X on his phone, hoping for a viral moment to piggyback. Nothing but complaints about Labor’s hydrogen plan and some bloke ranting about 5G. “Relevance,” Barny mutters, “that’s the ticket.” He retweets a post calling Labor’s budget “a shambles” and adds, “Time for aspiration!” – his third such tweet this week. No likes yet. Tough crowd.
8:00 AM, Coffee Run
At the local café, Barny orders a flat white and tries to gauge the mood. The barista grumbles about power bills. Perfect! Barny jots it down for a talking point: “Labor’s cost-of-living crisis.” Never mind that he hasn’t read the budget papers since 2022. He overhears two tradies mocking the LNP’s “new direction” under Sussan Ley. “What direction?” one snorts. Barny pretends to check his phone. Maybe it’s time for another “listening tour” photo op.
9:30 AM, Zoom Strategy Meeting
Barny joins a virtual LNP strategy session from his electorate office, where a faded “It’s Time” poster from 1972 mocks him from the wall. Sussan Ley’s on the screen, banging on about “reflecting modern Australia.” Barny nods vigorously, though he’s not sure what it means. Someone suggests a bold policy on housing affordability. Silence. “Too risky,” says a senior strategist. “Let’s stick with slamming Labor’s super tax.” Barny proposes a press release titled “Labor’s Economic Mismanagement: Part 47.” Everyone agrees it’s “punchy.” He spends 20 minutes debating whether to use “shameful” or “disgraceful” in the opening line.
12:00 PM, Mingle with the Electorate
Barny hits the local shopping centre for “community engagement.” He hands out LNP-branded pens (budget cuts nixed the mugs) and promises to “fight for aspiration.” A retiree asks what the LNP’s plan is for cost-of-living relief. Barny pivots to AUKUS, mumbling about “national security” before spotting a photo op with a kid eating an ice cream. The kid’s mum whispers, “Didn’t you lot lose because you had no ideas?” Barny smiles for the camera and pretends not to hear.
2:00 PM, Lunch with the Party Faithful
Over a schnitzel at the RSL, Barny meets with local LNP branch members. They’re still fuming about Peter Dutton losing his seat in May. “He had spine!” one says. Barny nods, though he privately thinks Dutton’s “captain’s pick” disasters didn’t help. Talk turns to policy. Someone suggests tax cuts. Someone else says nuclear power. Barny floats “aspirational deregulation,” which sounds profound until someone asks what it means. He changes the subject to Labor’s hydrogen “fantasy.” The table grumbles in agreement. Safe ground.
4:00 PM, Media Prep
Back at the office, Barny’s media advisor prepares him for a radio interview. The brief: “Stick to the script. Labor bad, aspiration good.” Barny practices his lines: “Labor’s wrecking the economy. We’re the party of opportunity.” He tries to sound passionate, but it comes out like a used car ad. The advisor sighs and tells him to “smile through the mic.” Barny wonders if he can claim “vocal strain” as a work expense.
6:00 PM, Radio Interview
On air, Barny nails the talking points but fumbles when asked, “What’s the LNP’s vision for 2030?” He pivots to Labor’s “budget blowouts” and “woke policies,” but the host presses: “What’s your plan?” Barny mumbles something about “consulting with Australians” and “aspirational growth.” The host moves on. Barny’s relieved but knows he flubbed it. X is already buzzing with “LNP has no ideas” posts. He retweets another “Labor’s a mess” meme to feel productive.
8:00 PM, Home Office
Barny scrolls through X, searching for inspiration. One user calls the LNP “politically irrelevant.” Another demands “a real opposition.” Barny drafts a tweet: “The LNP is listening to everyday Australians!” but deletes it – it sounds too desperate. He checks the party’s policy page. It’s still touting “lower interest rates, strong borders” from 2004. He sighs and opens Netflix instead. Maybe tomorrow they’ll workshop a bold new slogan. “Aspiration 2.0” has a ring to it.
10:00 PM, Bedtime
As Barny drifts off, he dreams of a press conference where he unveils a game-changing policy. The crowd cheers. X lights up with praise. Then he wakes up to his phone buzzing – a reminder for tomorrow’s meeting to rehash “Labor’s economic failures.” Another day, another talking point. At least the pens are a hit.
Also by Roswell:
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Couldn’t help but notice that the misogynistic LNP rolled out their “token woman”, Sussan Ley, this morning in a disgusting attempt to blame Albanese and the Labor Party for the tragic arson attack that took place at the Adass Israel Synagogue of Melbourne! EVERYONE condemns that act of terrorism BUT Ley’s politically-motivated attempt to blame the ALP for this crime is BEYOND depraved.
Of course, NOBODY wants our Jewish community attacked in such a way, but neither Ley nor any other inhumane sociopaths in the LNP, have made ONE SINGLE COMMENT, not one word to criticise or openly condemn the probable reason behind this arson attack = the hideous, ongoing genocidal murder of unarmed, innocent non-Jewish men, women and innocent little children who are either being gunned down or slowly starved to death in Netanyahu’s KILLING FIELDS along the Gaza Strip or elsewhere in Israel! When are the LNP EVER going to wake up to the fact that even the UN have justifiably named the infamous, cold-blooded psychopath, Netanyahu, a despicable WAR CRIMINAL who is EVERY bit as heinous as Hitler or Mussolini?
Yes the arson attempt on the occupied Adass Israel Synagogue in Ripponleait is a disgusting crime but the ongoing slaughter of innocent Palestinians by that insane, murderous war criminal, Netanyahu (who is being emboldened by the deluded support of that out-of-control megalomaniac, Trump) is BEYOND intolerable and has, in effect, provided terrorists with what THEY see as a “reasonable” cause to commit such anti-Semitic crimes.
Katie,
As usual a spot on comment …………… you always “hit the nail on the head”.
Keep them coming
Ahhh Roswell, as a too long suffering voter in the feral electorate where the NOtional$ are represented by Baaaanababy Beetrooter Joyce I fear that you have over-exerted the pollie with your busy daily schedule.
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Rule 1. Beetrooter represents Beetrooter and nobody else …. except possibly Auntie Gina; (he will not require a post-politics job managing one of her cattle enterprises because the good burghers of New England believe being represented by a self-serving adulterous, alcoholic, bigoted, corrupt, deceitful, sexually harassing misogynist is good for the 19th century image of the electorate.
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Rule 2. Coffee should never touch the his lips before at least one beer, or other alcoholic beverage. Coffee is known to wake up drinkers and the electorate is best happy when he remains chained to a bar, any bar, so long as it is away from any microphone.
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Rule 3. NOtional$ branch members are a bit thin on the ground, thanks to the passing of many geriatrics and the departure of the young set to find work in the city because the NOtional$ discouraged industry & manufacturing development in regional centres. A more appropriate meeting place would be one of the remaining Telstra telephone boxes where the Zimmer Frames & wheel-chairs could be parked outside.
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Rule 4. The Parliamentary Allowances Scheme must be perused for any opportunities for exploitation now that Anus Failure has ripped off the $80 million EMPTY GLASS OF MDB WATER. How about a wedding in India with a coal mining magnate at public expense??
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Rule 5. At the end of the day what could be better than a quick game of Thugby, just have to watch the knees. Then we can get on with the serious business of drinking beer and dancing on the bar, as part of the pub crawl around the electorate.
POSITIONS VACANT: SEEKING A SUITABLY QUALIFIED INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF Member for New England. Must be prepared to travel frequently within the electorate to discover what previous incumbents have ”overlooked” while pursuing their personal pecuniary efforts. The salary package comes with an expense account plenty of free interstate travel, occasional overseas educational trips, chauffeured car and travel perks.
This bloke’s a different Barnaby, NEC. This Barny is in the mid north of SA.
This Barny is Liberal, btw.