Australia Doesn’t Exist. Apparently.

For those wanting relief from angry politicians, daily updates of Zac Butters or websites with ads…

I have some disturbing news.

Australia doesn’t exist.

I know this because I took timeout to watch a YouTube video in which some Americans explained, with what appeared to be considerable confidence, that Australia is not a real country.

Apparently, people who claim to have visited Australia simply disappear.

Think about that for a moment.

You fly to Australia, presumably expecting to see kangaroos, beaches and people complaining about the price of everything, and then – nothing.

You are never heard from again.

It’s the perfect conspiracy.

There are no witnesses because the witnesses have vanished.

And those of us who claim to live here?

Well, obviously, we’re part of it.

I must confess that this explains quite a lot.

For years I have wondered why nobody outside Australia seems particularly interested in what we think. Now I understand.

They don’t think we’re real.

All those Australian elections? Fake.

Anthony Albanese? An actor.

The Australian Parliament? Probably a film set.

The ABC? A sophisticated international propaganda operation designed to make Americans believe there is a country somewhere down here.

And Australian Rules football?

That is clearly the most elaborate part of the deception.

Nobody would invent a sport where 36 people run around a gigantic oval chasing an oval-shaped ball unless they were trying very hard to convince the world that Australia existed.

Then there are the kangaroos.

This is where the conspiracy becomes particularly impressive.

Someone has apparently manufactured thousands of kangaroos, released them into the Australian countryside and persuaded Australians to photograph them so the rest of the world would have evidence that we are real.

Presumably the kangaroos are in on it.

I also have questions about Google Maps.

If Australia doesn’t exist, what exactly have I been looking at all these years?

And what about Qantas?

Are all those aircraft simply flying around in circles while pretending to land in Sydney and Melbourne?

What happens to the passengers?

Ah.

They disappear.

Of course.

It all makes sense now.

There is, however, one problem with the theory.

I live here.

So do millions of other people.

We have houses. We have shops. We have schools. We have hospitals. We have roads, traffic jams, electricity bills and politicians who seem remarkably real when they annoy us.

We even have elevators.

And I can assure you that if elevators are imaginary, someone needs to have a very serious conversation with whoever invented elevator music.

Still, perhaps the Americans have discovered something the rest of us haven’t.

Perhaps Australia really is an elaborate “Truman Show” illusion.

Perhaps the Great Barrier Reef is CGI.

Perhaps Uluru is a painted backdrop.

Perhaps the entire Nullarbor Plain is just a very large brown screen.

Perhaps every Australian has been recruited into the greatest deception in human history.

And perhaps, somewhere in a secret room in Washington, a group of highly trained operatives are sitting around a table asking the question:

“But what do we do about Tasmania?”

Because that’s the giveaway.

Nobody could invent Tasmania.

Even Australians aren’t that imaginative.

So, if you happen to know someone who has been to Australia and subsequently disappeared, please let us know.

Although, technically, you can’t.

Because Australia doesn’t exist.

And neither do we.

At least that’s what some people on YouTube say.

And who are we to argue with YouTube?

After all, we’re not real.

The YouTube evidence is overwhelming: