A Beginner’s Guide to Patriotism, Outrage, and Caps Lock
So you’ve decided to join the MAGA movement but aren’t quite sure where to begin. Don’t worry. This simple guide will help you master the essentials of modern political thinking without the burden of complicated facts or historical context.
Step 1: Buy the Hat
Every movement needs a uniform, and MAGA is no exception.
The official red baseball cap serves several important purposes:
- Identifying fellow patriots in supermarket car parks
- Warning relatives before Christmas dinner
- Protecting the brain from dangerous exposure to public broadcasting
Advanced users may also purchase:
- Trump sneakers
- Trump crypto
- Trump trading cards
- Trump-branded patriot gold coins probably made in China
Remember: capitalism is bad when other people make money.
Step 2: Learn the Media Rules
Understanding media is easy.
If a news outlet praises Trump, it is courageous independent journalism.
If it criticises President Trump, it is fake news run by Marxists, globalists, Hollywood elites, or possibly Taylor Swift.
For beginners, it is recommended that all political research be conducted through Facebook memes created by accounts named things like FreedomEagle1776.
Step 3: Understand Election Security
Election results are very simple:
- If Republicans win: democracy works perfectly.
- If Republicans lose: blame Venezuela, George Soros, mail-in ballots, dead voters, bamboo fibres, and the deep state.
Please try to keep up.
Step 4: Learn Christian Values
MAGA Christianity combines the teachings of Jesus with:
- aggressive nationalism,
- billionaire tax cuts,
- and online arguments about pronouns.
While Jesus famously preached compassion for the poor, modern patriotism recognises that helping poor people too much may accidentally lead to socialism.
Step 5: Master Free Speech
Free speech is sacred and must be defended at all costs.
Unless someone says:
- Trump lost the 2020 election,
- climate change is real,
- vaccines work,
- or books should remain in libraries.
In these cases, immediate censorship is required to protect freedom.
Step 6: Foreign Policy Basics
War is bad unless:
- Trump supports it,
- Fox News supports it,
- or someone on YouTube says China looked nervous.
Then war becomes extremely patriotic.
Step 7: Handling Facts
Occasionally, beginners may encounter information that conflicts with MAGA beliefs.
This is known as “the deep state”.
Do not panic.
Simply reply:
“What about Hunter Biden?”
This works in almost every conversation and may allow you to escape before evidence appears.
Final Thoughts
Congratulations.
You are now ready to:
- call everyone you dislike a communist,
- accuse judges of treason,
- confuse tariffs with magic,
- explain to foreigners why America is simultaneously the greatest country on Earth and a ruined wasteland destroyed by immigrants, universities, wind turbines, and of course, Barack Hussein Obama (added emphasis on Hussein is preferable).
Welcome to the movement.
Red cap sold separately.
* * * * *
Notes
This guide is the first in a six-part series (unless I change my mind). Still to come, hopefully:
- Advanced MAGA for Dumbies
- Conspiracy Theories for Beginners
- Culture Wars for Dumbies
- How to Spot Socialism in Universities
- Sky News After Dark for Dumbies
Where “Dumbies” comes from:
Also by Roswell:
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Wonderful. Marvellous. The mighty dog in the manger, The everlasting farter, the Prince of a piece of everything for me. MAGA, the STENCH. (Why, oh why…)
Trump claimed naming rights for the word ‘Dumocrats,’… Jimmy Kimmel, on the other hand, pointed out that the word first surfaced on The Simpsons in 1994. Oh dear! Donald caught out in yet another confabulation emerging from the fetid swamp that serves as his intellect.
When you watch a clip like the one above, coming from the so-called ‘leader’ of the free world, the ‘leader’ of the most powerful nation on earth, and you pause for the requisite amount of time to absorb what it is that you’ve just subjected yourself to, the utterly pusillanimous, puerile, pathetic, pin-brained gutter-level idiocy of it all, and recall, ‘wow, this is the Prez of the USA,’ the next thought might well be, ‘God help us all,’ or ‘Poor America, to be saddled with this jerk.’
If the swamp(The biggest, and most beautiful) got drained, I didn`t notice.