The Liberal Party has unveiled its bold new vision for renewal, innovation, and forward momentum by announcing that Tony Abbott will become the next President of the party.
Yes, that Tony Abbott: The former Prime Minister renowned for restoring knighthoods in a moment of national urgency and ensuring Australia’s broadband speeds remained world-competitive with rural Angola. In an era desperate for fresh ideas and modern relevance, the party has instead hailed the man who once thought climate change was optional, governed in high-vis vest or budgie smugglers (depending on the weather), and treated every policy challenge like a photo opportunity involving a boat or a raw onion.
The announcement, to my way of thinking, signals a deliberate return to the simpler times. A golden era when the internet ran through wet string, wind turbines were evil, and every national crisis could be solved by sternly pointing at something while wearing a hard hat. No woke nonsense. No complicated economics. Just good old-fashioned Abbott-era certainty: if in doubt, declare a national emergency, promise a tax cut, and blame the ABC.
Of course, this appointment makes perfect sense in the current political climate. After years of chasing the centre and trying to out-green the Greens, the Liberals have clearly decided the path back to power lies in reminding everyone what they once stood for: raw masculinity, budget surpluses that never quite arrived, and an unshakeable belief that Australia’s biggest threat is still those pesky boats on the horizon. One can only imagine the strategy sessions: “Quick, dust off the budgie smugglers and fire up the barbecue. The punters are ready for a return to 2014!”
Doubters, and I’m sure there are many, might call it desperation dressed up as nostalgia. Supporters will hail it as “authentic leadership” and a rejection of “Canberra elites.” Either way, it’s a masterstroke of backward momentum. The Liberals aren’t just turning the clock back; they’re cranking it up and hoping the old magic still works. Whether this represents genuine renewal or just the political equivalent of digging up the old Holden Kingswood from the garage “for one last run” remains to be seen. But one thing’s clear… the Liberals aren’t going forward. Tony will see to that.
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Whatsisname’s back.
Hahaha.
They could have found a dried dog turd on a street corner to replace Angus but….no wait
Abbott the Manly Masturbator is to come back. Get a wife from a Saffron brothel, a horse from the knacker’s yard to win the Cup, a car from John L Motors ( a Trabant), a deal from Skase, and you’ll be MADE.
He’s the next president of the Liberal Party only. I wonder if he’ll have any influence over the ones in Parliament.
Huge, huge mistake obviously. A failed PM, a misogynist, remembering Tony’s ‘women problem’ and carrying so much baggage including “shit happens” referring to the death of a soldier in Afghanistan, calling mesothelioma sufferer Bernie Banton “of impure heart”, that Nazis suffered due to shame. He initially elected to ban HPV cervical cancer vaccine and only changed his mind when Howard and female MPs objected. Has he changed, I doubt it.