Angus Taylor’s Australian values: please sign here (details to follow)

Step One: Adopt Our Values

There’s a particular kind of sentence in Australian politics that sounds firm, sensible, and reassuring – right up until you ask the most basic follow-up question. Angus Taylor’s announcement that “The Coalition will pursue a values-based migration scheme that puts Australian values first” is one of those sentences.

It lands with a satisfying thud. Strong. Decisive. The kind of thing that makes talkback radio hosts nod vigorously – doubly so if there’s a Labor politician within blaming distance. But then, like a Bunnings flat-pack with one screw missing, the whole structure starts to wobble the moment you try to assemble it.

Australian values.

Which ones?

Step Two: We’ll Get Back to You

It’s been over a week since Angus Taylor made the announcement, and we remain none the wiser. No list. No outline. Not even a laminated pamphlet. Just the quiet confidence that the details exist somewhere – presumably in the same drawer as the instruction manual for that Bunnings flat-pack.

Because if we’re being honest, Australia’s values are less a neat list and more a chaotic group chat where nobody agrees on anything, but everyone insists they’re right.

Take “a fair go,” for instance. A lovely phrase. Rolls off the tongue like sweet rain after a long dry spell. But is it the same “fair go” that applies to refugees, or the one that applies to negative gearing? Because those seem to be very different fair goes. One involves compassion; the other involves a well-located investment property and a good accountant.

Or consider “mateship.” A beautiful, almost sacred idea – unless, of course, your mate is in trouble and helping them might breach workplace policy, conflict with your mortgage, or inconvenience your weekend. In that case, mateship is still important, just… not immediately actionable.

And then there’s respect. We value respect deeply in Australia. Unless it’s directed at politicians, journalists, umpires, baristas who take too long, or anyone who merges incorrectly. Respect is crucial – conditionally.

So when Angus Taylor suggests immigrants must adopt Australian values, it raises the obvious question: should they adopt them all at once, or gradually, like easing into a hot bath of contradictions?

Because imagine the orientation session:

“Welcome to Australia. Here are your values. You must believe in equality – unless it’s about housing affordability, education access, or who gets a tax cut. You must value hard work, but also understand that success is sometimes suspicious unless it’s yours. You must speak plainly, but not so plainly that it offends anyone – unless it’s funny, in which case go for it.

And most importantly, you must never, under any circumstances, take yourself too seriously – except when discussing national identity, at which point you must become extremely serious immediately.”

One suspects new arrivals might find this slightly confusing.

Of course, the beauty of “Australian values” is that they’re wonderfully flexible. They expand and contract depending on who’s invoking them and why. They can be used to welcome people, exclude people, celebrate diversity, or quietly suggest that diversity would be better if it behaved more predictably.

It’s a bit like Vegemite. We insist it’s essential to being Australian, but nobody agrees on how much is appropriate – and too much of it can ruin everything.

There’s also the small matter that Australia itself is a work in progress when it comes to defining our values. We’re still arguing about history, identity, fairness, and who exactly gets to speak for the nation. It’s a bold move to demand newcomers sign up to a set of principles we’re still editing ourselves.

It’s like inviting guests over for dinner and saying, “You must respect the house rules,” while frantically writing the house rules on the back of an envelope in the kitchen.

To be fair, there is something undeniably Australian about the whole situation: the instinct to draw a line in the sand, immediately followed by a long, meandering debate about where the line actually is – and whether sand was the right medium to begin with.

If immigrants truly want to adopt Australian values, perhaps the most authentic thing they can do is join the argument.

Disagree loudly. Change your mind occasionally. Insist on fairness. Bend the rules when it suits. Laugh at authority. Complain about everything. Help out when it matters.

And above all, remain deeply suspicious of anyone who claims to have the definitive answer.

In that sense, they’ll fit right in.

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