The UK release of Melania was meant to be a cinematic event – part political mythmaking, part glossy mystery, and part contractual obligation. Instead, it has reportedly played to audiences so small that ushers have been spotted asking patrons if they’d prefer to “just watch it at home.”
In London, whole rows sat empty. In Manchester, a screening reportedly achieved the rare feat of zero ticket sales, making it the first film to flop before the trailers finished. Cinema staff confirm the most animated reaction came not from the audience, but from the popcorn machine.
Naturally, President Trump has a different version.
According to the former and current president – depending on which speech you’re watching – Melania “packed theatres from wall to wall,” drew “inauguration-sized crowds,” and was “the most successful documentary since Ben-Hur, which many people say was also about leadership.” He insists some UK cinemas were forced to turn people away, though no one in Britain appears to have noticed.
Undeterred by reality, Trump has now floated the idea of a follow-up: Melania: The Sequel.
Details are sketchy, but insiders say the sequel will be “bigger, stronger, and much more beloved.” Early drafts reportedly focus on Melania’s heroic struggle against hostile decor, disloyal stylists, and a world that simply doesn’t understand how exhausting it is to be adored.
Trump has already teased the plot. “In the sequel, she speaks,” he said. “A lot. People are saying it’s the greatest speaking anyone’s ever done.” Studio executives are said to be scrambling to locate footage that supports this claim.
The sequel will also address what Trump calls the “fake news boycott,” blaming empty theatres on left-wing projectionists, European socialists, and – somehow – wind turbines. “They didn’t want you to see it,” he declared, which remains cinema’s most generous explanation for a lack of viewers.
UK critics, meanwhile, have been brutally understated. One described the film as “visually immaculate and emotionally unavailable.” Another said it was “less a documentary and more a prolonged absence.” A third simply asked for a refund, despite having entered the wrong theatre and watched Paddington 2 instead.
Still, Trump remains confident. Advance box office numbers for Melania: The Sequel are already “through the roof,” though again, no roof has confirmed this. Rumours suggest the premiere will coincide with one of Trump’s rallies, where attendance figures are traditionally elastic.
As for British cinemas, many are preparing anyway – if only to use the screening rooms as quiet spaces for staff meetings.
After all, if Melania taught us anything, it’s that emptiness, when marketed correctly, can still be called a crowd.
Stop Press: The President has also confirmed that Melania: The Musical will open in West End and Broadway simultaneously in two weeks. Maybe. (My guess is they can’t find an actor who wants to play the president. It would be career-ending).
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We’re most definitely through the Looking Glass and into the realm of… searching for the right words… perhaps, the theatre of the absurd. Orwellian doesn’t begin to accurately depict the flip from what ought to pass as real to the ongoing court jester as performance artist acting in lieu of leadership, responsibility, gravitas. In a word, we’re doomed to endure, until the nightmare has run its course.
Perhaps I have missed something here ….. did the movie show melania’s Russian heritage or links with Putin and the current KGB office?? Or is it just another TACO Trumpery money making scam for one or other associated entities?
With Kraznov remaining in the White House demolition site gifting Putin every political wish as he prepares to invade Western democracies, domino style, this looks just like Menzies had Australia believing about PRC CHINA intentions in the 1950s?? Paul Keating was correct ….. Canberra security boffins need to get outside in the sun more often.
This is too silly for words!
Apparently, this documentary will premiere at the Trump/Kennedy Centre for the Performing Arts in Washington.
If you found the At Home with Ossie Osbourne and family intellectually rewarding, you will love this.
Trump has neutered satire.
Party poopers. I for one am seeing it as must view, if only for the undoubted comedic value.
Gee, I can’t wait for the musical.
The real live version of Álice in Wönderland” and don’t give a toss about either of them.
Tar for ya egsulent storey Roswell.
Edjamucashun is relized in so many difrent forms.
I alwaze kneu that Melania was that white stuff
covering cheep chipbord so ya cood wipe it cleen.
Donnie haz pruved me rite again.
Michael, no queuing in Scotland !
The Scottish Herald reports:
Analysis by The Herald shows that of the 1,916 seats on sale for the film about the First Lady, only 20 have been bought.
Of those, 18 are in the chain’s Glasgow St Enoch cinema.
The Edinburgh Omni Centre venue has sold just two for the whole week.
One of those is for the first screening on Friday at 12.30pm, and the other for the 12.10pm show next Thursday.
Of the 32 screenings taking place across both venues during the next week, 23 have sold no tickets.
Trump will probably demand an Oscar!
@Terry Mills, so sad to read that. Melanoma will be devastated, probably having a sob-fest, MAGA’s will erupt in a spontaneous outburst of hatred & criticism of Scots in general, the Donald might reconsider his ownership of Scottish greens.
Kind of begs the question though… she’s made a career – post nuptially speaking – of being invisible. Why would anyone want to see a doco about a woman no-one knows anything about, apart from the fact she thought Trump was a good catch and she’s monetised the relationship to the extent possible?
Some bright spark tweeted that it was the inflight movie on his American Airlines flight yesterday.
Everybody walked out.
Not bad ET, not bad.
Melania in Orbit: The story of one brave woman who jumps really hard and and lands on the International Space Station. She is relentless in her ambition to redecorate the station in the Trump style. See her tie a rope around her waist and leap off the station while holding her breath to save an astronaut as he falls toward the Earth.
In Space No One Will Hear Your Brain Try To Escape.
Terry, the Glasgow mob are only going so they can see her nude shots. They’re sick.
Roswell says:
29 January 2026 at 9:58 am
Some bright spark tweeted that it was the inflight movie on his American Airlines flight yesterday.
Everybody walked out.
Rosewell that just cracked me up…
Roswell, that was hilarious even without the American Airlines joke!
Let’s hope USS Abraham Lincoln is an even bigger fizzer…