So, I’m applying for a visa to the USA. The process is… thorough. They don’t just want to know if I’m a threat. They want to know if I’m a threat with good grammar.
They took my phone. Handed it over like it was a contested artifact in a spy movie. They have my social media passwords. My entire digital personality is now in a manila folder next to a half-eaten donut.
The agent was very polite. He said, “We just need to verify your online history regarding certain… topics.”
I said, “Sure! My Instagram is mostly pictures of food that looks better than it tasted, and my Facebook is just me arguing with my auntie about whether putting pineapple on pizza is a ‘cultural crime.’ She’s a radical. For the pineapple.”
He didn’t laugh. He just typed. He said, “We are specifically screening for negative or rude sentiments regarding President Trump, his administration, or… his country.”
(And I thought, “His country’? I didn’t know we were screening for feudalism. “I pledge allegiance to the flag… and also to the fiefdom.”)
Now I’m panicking. Not because of anything I posted… but because of my replies. My digital ghost is haunting me.
Did I, in 2017, in the heat of the moment, under a meme of Trump’s hair looking like a startled owl, reply just “????” Is that considered sedition? Will I be flagged as a man who asks too many questions of startled owls?
What about the time I replied “🙃” to a news article? A single upside-down smiley! It’s the most neutral, passive-aggressive weapon in the digital arsenal. Is the State Department’s algorithm sophisticated enough to understand the profound, seething ambiguity of the 🙃? Or will a team of analysts in a bunker debate its meaning for weeks, while my application gathers dust? “Sir, the 🙃… it’s deeply inscrutable. Recommend denial.”
My Twitter replies might get me thrown into a nest of vipers:
On Trump
”He’s not corrupt enough to be clever and not competent enough to be useful – a rare dead zone in politics.”
“He speaks with absolute certainty, which is impressive given how little he understands anything he’s talking about.”
“He doesn’t lie because he has to – he lies because reality refuses to flatter him.”
“He governs the way he speaks: impulsively, defensively, and with no apparent adult supervision.”
“His vocabulary is limited, but his grudges are encyclopaedic.”
“Donald Trump doesn’t lie – he just beta-tests multiple realities until one sticks.”
“Trump speaks fluent English, but thinks exclusively in all caps.”
“Trump treats the Constitution like a Terms & Conditions page – scrolls past it, clicks ‘Agree,’ ignores everything.”
“Trump doesn’t want advisers – he wants mirrors that nod.”
“If Trump gets re-elected, I’m staying here in Australia. Wait, no, Australia has universal healthcare and polite people. That’s basically socialism. Bad idea. I’ll move to… uh… send help.”
“Trump’s new economic plan: print more money but only with his face on it. Inflation solved – everyone will be too embarrassed to spend the bills.”
“I respect anyone who can look at Trump’s diet (Big Mac, Big Mac, or Big Mac) and still believe he’s going to live forever. That’s faith stronger than any religion.”
“He has the confidence of a man who has never once been right – and never noticed.”
“He’s proof that ambition and competence are not required to meet.”
“His arguments don’t collapse – they gently wander off and refuse to come back.”
“He doesn’t miss the point; he actively avoids it, like he owes it money.”
On Others
“JD Vance says he grew up in poverty. Mate, I grew up sharing one dial-up modem with three siblings. That’s poverty. You had a bestselling book deal before 35. Sit down.”
“Mike Johnson just quoted Leviticus to justify something again. Bro, you’re in Congress, not auditioning for a remake of The Ten Commandments starring only in the scenes with the fog.”
“Vance’s beard looks like it was drawn on with a texta by someone who’s never actually seen a hillbilly.”
“Mike Johnson’s prayer breakfasts are wild. Imagine starting your workday by asking the Almighty to block student loan forgiveness. Bold strategy.”
“The MAGA movement is what happens when nostalgia, grievance and Facebook memes achieve sentience.”
In response to a tweet by Donald Trump Jnr: “The hunt is over. I’ve found the dumbest Trump.”
In response to a tweet by Eric Trump: “The hunt is over. I’ve found the dumbest Trump.”
In response to a tweet by Donald Trump: “The hunt is over. I’ve found the dumbest Trump.”
And that’s only the last 24 hours.
I’m also worried they’ll see my search history. “Conspiracy theory – Why wasn’t Jesus born in Washington?” “US electoral college for dummies.” “How to pronounce ‘Arkansas’.” It’s going to look like I was cramming for the citizenship test I’m not even applying for! It’s just earnest confusion!
And the deep dive into my friends’ posts. They’re going to find my cousin Kevin. Kevin, who, under every political story, comments the same thing: “FAKE NEWS!” but spelled with different numbers replacing letters each time. “F4K3 N3W5!” “F@K3 N3W$!”. They’re going to think I run with a gang of elite, easily decipherable hacker-philosophers.
The worst part? The waiting. I keep refreshing my email, hoping for news. And every ad I get now is for VPNs, tinfoil hats, and pepper spray. The algorithm has judged me. It has seen my ‘????’ and my ‘🙃’ and it thinks I’m a man on the edge. A rogue emoji operative.
All I wanted was to see the Grand Canyon and maybe a Walmart Supercentre. Now my fate rests on whether a government contractor finds my 2018 retweet of a dog wearing a “Make America Bone Again” hat… hilarious or a coded call to arms.
Wish me luck. I’m going to need it. And possibly a lawyer who specialises in emoji law.
UPDATE: Rejected. Bastards.
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Last June I went to Canada and Alaska. It’d been booked for nearly a year. 1 page form to get a visa for Canada, 6 pages for the US. Both came through almost immediately. But I was trembling a little as I gave them my requested handprint at the border, phone in pocket, not requested. I’d read stories… But now, I wouldn’t step foot in the joint.
Rejected. Looks like you hit the jackpot. Imagine what might have happened if they’d let you in? But why would you want to go? I do like the tweets on Trump.
And you’re an American born citizen!
The mind boggles, however these folk in the regime aren’t the smartest tools in the shed.
G’day Dear Roswell, what reason were you given for the rejection ?
Sorry, guys. This is satire.
I’m in no hurry to go back. The place has changed.
I wonder what happens if you have no social media footprint at all?
Brilliant! I haven’t laughed so much since my first day at Luna Park, 75 years ago!
Some ~25 years ago I had occasion to correspond with the owner of the website Serendipity. He’s an Australian who lived in the USA for many years, a mathematician and programmer who scrubbed out an existence in that land.
A bit like Roswell’s comment that the place has changed, he wrote, in what was possibly our last exchange, that he was leaving the States and heading for a new life in Europe. The reason he cited? The rise of crypto-fascism, his exact words. Twenty-five years ago.
Thank you, Medio. That’s a huge compliment indeed.
Geez Roswell, you show considerable imagination with your descriptions.
I took myself off Facebook because the regime demanded that I supply a Police mug shot and a Police mug reel for identification purposes. Sounds of 1934 Germany …..
My ”crime” had been to describe a (horrible) pic of TACO Trumpery; ”If his lips are moving then he is probably telling lies”.
Now I have 8-10 hours per day to recover from my FB addiction. There is a big world outside the Internet and perhaps it is time for me to discover most of it.
NEC,
A confession: I’m not really on Instagram and I spend at best five minutes a year on Facebook.