Note: This article is satire (or wishful thinking).
BREAKING: President Trump Denied Re-Entry Into U.S. Under Precedent Set By His Own Administration
In a stunning application of long-standing policy, President Donald Trump was detained and denied entry into the United States upon his return from abroad after Customs and Border Protection (CBP) officials determined he failed to meet the strict admissions standards his own administration put in place.
The decision, confirmed by the Department of Homeland Security, cites Presidential Proclamation 9645, the cornerstone of the Trump administration’s “travel ban,” which restricts entry for individuals deemed to pose a threat to public safety or national security.
According to CBP agents on the scene, the president was flagged for multiple, unambiguous violations of the policy.
“The system worked exactly as designed,” said a senior CBP official, speaking on condition of anonymity as they were not authorised to discuss specific cases. “We are a nation of laws, and our vetting procedures are in place to protect the American people from individuals who promote violence, express hatred towards certain groups, or have criminal records. This individual ticked every box.”
The official breakdown provided to reporters was stark:
First, and most damningly, the man is a convicted felon. Not once, but 34 times over. The Presidential Proclamations that formed the backbone of his administration’s immigration policy were explicitly clear: we must not admit individuals who have engaged in criminal activity. A felony conviction is not a minor infraction; it is a glaring red flag that signals a disregard for our legal system. To look the other way now would be the height of hypocrisy and would make a mockery of the “zero tolerance” policies so many Americans supported.
Second, he has a well-documented history of inciting violence. His social media feed is a case study in the kind of rhetoric that the “travel ban” was designed to keep out. The proclamations spoke of excluding those who would “engage in acts of bigotry or hatred” or “oppress members of one gender, race, or sexual orientation.” Can anyone, in good faith, review his statements about Judge Gonzalo Curiel, the Central Park Five, or his encouragement of violence against protesters, and claim he clears this bar? The language of his own policy fits him like a glove. (The Jan 6, 2021 insurrection wasn’t even mentioned. How odd.)
Third, he has consistently shown profound disrespect for America’s political institutions and figures. He has mocked war heroes, disparaged Gold Star families, and relentlessly attacked everyone from Governor Newsom to the late, great John McCain. The spirit of the vetting process was to find individuals who would assimilate to and uphold American values of civility and respect for democratic norms. This individual’s entire brand is the antithesis of that.
The scene at the airport was described as chaotic yet procedural. After a three-hour review in a secondary screening area, the president was reportedly issued a formal denial and placed on the next available flight.
The move has been met with confusion and consternation by his allies.
“He created these rules to keep us safe from bad people,” said a supporter who had gathered outside the airport. “This must be a computer error.”
Legal scholars, however, argue the enforcement is technically sound.
“The language of the proclamation is broad and grants significant discretion to enforcement agencies,” said Dr. Mario Epstein, a constitutional law professor at Heard Island University. “While it was clearly intended to apply to foreigners, the text doesn’t explicitly say that. This is a fascinating case of a policy being applied with a brutal, almost poetic, literalism.”
As of press time, the president was reportedly en route to a country that does not have an extradition treaty with the U.S., though his exact destination was not confirmed. Attempts to reach his Press Secretary for comment were unsuccessful.
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Did they lift his combover to search for drugs, hidden weapons or Miriam Adelson pulling the strings?
Let it be true for this pustular, irritating, festering fistfrigging foul fool, deserving of no nationhood if tested honestly. Imagine, if the USA were to see, accurately, the depths of depravity and evil here. A president on the take, on the make, a painted fake, an inhuman snake, a cryptocoin rake.
Should this freak be let back in? Yeah, NO.
I heard that someone suggested he should go to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick but the mice there roared in protest. The Education Secretary in the US appears be a flat earther* so why not test the theory (snort, snigger) and put him in the Qatari present and set the autopilot to fly over the edge.
*https://www.msn.com/en-us/politics/government/trump-education-secretary-linda-mcmahon-follows-flat-earth-account/ar-AA1OfcEK