A Day in the Life of an Opposition in Hiding

The sun rises quietly over Canberra, but not as quietly as the federal Opposition.

It’s 7:00am. Somewhere, a shadow minister snoozes through a breakfast interview they weren’t invited to. The phone doesn’t ring. No one wants a comment. Not even Sky.

By 9:00am, the Coalition caucus is busy not holding a press conference. The Leader of the Opposition, Sussan Ley, reportedly reads the headlines – then quickly turns the page. Too risky. Better to wait and see what Labor does and oppose it later… maybe.

At 10:30am, a backbencher cautiously drafts a tweet about rising energy bills but deletes it after remembering they backed 12 years of policy confusion and three Prime Ministers. Instead, they repost a meme about cows.

Midday brings the traditional “Quiet Lunch” – a sacred Coalition ritual where MPs gather to agree that now is not the time to be bold. Someone suggests a policy. They’re asked to leave.

By 2:00pm, Barnaby Joyce wakes up from a nap in his office, declares he’s “ready for a comeback,” then promptly disappears into the nearest paddock. Matt Canavan releases a statement about coal. Boring.

At 4:00pm, a junior spokesperson tries to issue a media release about the economy, but realises they accidentally cut and pasted an old Scott Morrison speech. No one notices.

At 6:00pm, the Opposition meets to discuss strategy. The strategy is, once again, “say nothing, wait for Labor to stuff up, then act outraged.” Everyone agrees it’s foolproof.

Before wrapping up for the day, the Opposition gathers to review a report prepared by a junior staffer who spent the day embedded in a sympathetic think tank (the Freedom Values Institute for Liberty and Common Sense (FVILCS) – a name so vague it could mean anything, which is exactly the point), hoping to learn something about policy development. He returns with a 2-page document he titled “A Day in the Life of a Coalition Think Tank That Forgot to Think” and a complimentary stress ball shaped like a lump of coal. His report – word for word – is read aloud by Angus Taylor. Angus squints at the title. “Sounds like policy to me,” he declares, then begins reading:

The day kicks off with a brainstorming session titled: “Why Everything Is the Left’s Fault.” No ideas are written down, but everyone nods solemnly. A whiteboard is wheeled in with last year’s slogan still scrawled across it: “Gas Good. Wind Bad.”

At 9:30am, a fellow from the Institute publishes a “research paper” on housing affordability. It concludes that the problem can be solved by cutting taxes for landlords and banning bike lanes. Footnotes include a quote from a taxi driver, a tweet by Elon Musk, and a link to a “not to be missed” cat video (which would make the perfect “time-line cleanser” to drop in between arguments with woke leftists on X).

By 11:00am, the policy team is hard at work misreading climate data and Photoshopping a dolphin onto a wind turbine. It will later be used in a graphic titled “Green Energy Kills Sea Life.”

At noon, the think tank’s Director appears on a panel show to denounce “the nanny state” while sipping a triple-shot macchiato paid for by corporate donations and government grants.

A junior analyst suggests that maybe – just maybe – there is evidence of wealth inequality. He is quickly reassigned to “fellowship duties,” which mostly involve ordering lunch and ghostwriting opinion pieces for MPs who never read them.

At 3:00pm, a media advisor pitches the next campaign:

“Nuclear power is totally safe now, because… reasons.”

Everyone agrees it sounds credible, especially if delivered with confidence and a British accent.

By 5:00pm, the team has achieved its goals:

• • No original ideas
  • Three appearances on Sky News
  • And an op-ed blaming climate protestors for inflation

The day ends with the traditional chant:

“We don’t follow evidence. We cherry-pick it.”

Disclaimer: No thinking was harmed – or conducted – in the making of this think tank.

“The important thing,” adds Angus, “is that Labor hasn’t produced anything this good.”

Everyone agrees it’s a solid contribution.

As night falls, Sussan Ley reassures her team they are, in fact, “holding the government to account” – just in a very subtle way. Possibly telepathically.

At 10:00pm, a single Coalition MP logs onto Facebook and leaves a comment under a Labor MP’s post: “Typical.” Job done.

Tomorrow, they’ll do it all again. Or not. Hard to say. They’re in hiding.

Also by Roswell:

The Irony Files: When Hypocrisy Becomes Policy

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