The Cooker Cauldron Bubbles Over: Conservatives Attempt DIY Democracy Potion

By Lachlan’s Caustic Quill

In a bold political experiment that even Dr Frankenstein would call “a bit much,” Sky News After Dark’s resident wand-waver Rowan Dean has proposed a magical new political formation: a fusion of every disgruntled right-wing fragment in Australia. The ingredients? One Nation onions, Libertarian hot air, Liberal off-cuts, National Party leftovers – and for that extra kick – two heaping syringes of horse paste.

“I’ve always believed the best political movements are formed in cauldrons,” said Dean, cackling in a wizard hat as he stirred a bubbling pot labeled ‘New National Conservative Party’. “All great ideas start with vibes, contempt for experts, and a complete lack of policy.”

Bridget McKenzie, standing on a visibly cracked Coalition platform, looked on as if she’d just been told her shooting range was being turned into a vegan yoga retreat.

Meanwhile, David Littleproud, perpetually stuck between a climate denial press conference and a urea shortage, muttered “What even is this?” before being informed that he may now be the centrist of the group.

In the background, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was reportedly seen roasting marshmallows by a democracy campfire with a teal-clad surfer, whispering, “Mate, we don’t even have to campaign anymore. They’re doing our job for us.”

Political analysts have dubbed the new formation the Cooker Party, noting its unique ability to alienate mainstream voters, science, and reality – simultaneously. One Monash expert was quoted as saying, “This is the electoral equivalent of lighting your eyebrows on fire while yelling at wind turbines.”

Still, the proposed party hopes to rally voters around core policy pillars:

Shouting about freedom while banning books,

Demanding smaller government while running for it, and

Replacing renewable energy with pure, unfiltered outrage.

When asked whether this movement could ever win government, Rowan Dean replied, “That’s not the point. We just want to trend on X and sell merch.”

* * * * *

UPDATE: The Coalition has responded with a firm “we’re not sure what’s happening anymore” and a press release written entirely in emoji.

 

 

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