The Leaders’ Debate

LIVE FROM THE NATIONAL PRESS CLUB

(Dramatic music. Flags wave. Audience applauds nervously.)

OPENING

HOST: Good evening Australia, and welcome to tonight’s Leaders Debate – proudly sponsored by:

• collapsing housing affordability,
• supermarket duopolies,
• and emotionally exhausted voters.

Tonight:

• Prime Minister Anthony Albanese
• Overdone Angus, the Coalition’s Current Temporary Leader™
• Greens Leader Larissa Waters
• and Pauline Hanson, who has already accused the microphones of being left-wing.

(Audience applauses again)

(Overcome with patriotism, a man in the back row starts singing “I still call Australia home”)

“Australia Would Pay To See It”

ROUND ONE – COST OF LIVING

HOST: Prime Minister, Australians are struggling with rent, mortgages and grocery prices. Why should they believe anything will improve?

ALBANESE: We’re delivering responsible reform while supporting Australians under global economic pressure.

HOST: Translated into English?

ALBANESE: Things are bad but would probably be worse somewhere else.

(Audience nods sadly.)

HOST: Overdone Angus, your response?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Under a Coalition government, Australians will once again have confidence, stability and nuclear reactors.

HOST: When?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Soon.

HOST: Define “soon.”

OVERDONE ANGUS: Before the sun expands and consumes the Earth.

(Audience applause. One Nationals MP quietly combusts.)

ROUND TWO – HOUSING

HOST: Senator Hanson, you’ve promised to repeal Labor’s changes to negative gearing and capital gains tax concessions. Why?

PAULINE: Because ordinary Australians are hurting!

HOST: Fair enough. Follow-up question: Would repealing those changes benefit you financially, directly or indirectly?

(Audience suddenly silent.)

PAULINE: This is exactly the kind of smear campaign Australians are sick of.

HOST: Technically, Senator, it’s called a follow-up question.

HOST: Would you support stronger disclosure laws covering:

• trusts,
• beneficial ownership,
• companies,
• related entities,
• and indirect property interests for MPs?

PAULINE: The elites don’t want me speaking for ordinary Australians!

HOST: Again, that appears unrelated to accounting structures.

ROUND THREE – CLIMATE & ENERGY

HOST: Larissa Waters, your climate policy in one sentence?

WATERS: Stop subsidising fossil fuels and stop treating the planet like a shareholder meeting.

(Half audience applauds. Other half checks Sky News notifications.)

HOST: Overdone Angus, your climate response?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Nuclear energy is clean, reliable and affordable.

HOST: CSIRO modelling?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Biased.

HOST: Engineers?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Biased.

HOST: Scientists?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Very biased.

HOST: Physics?

OVERDONE ANGUS: We’re reviewing it.

(Audience laughter.)

ROUND FOUR – QUICK FIRE QUESTIONS

HOST: Simple yes or no answers only. Senator Hanson: Do you benefit from negative gearing?

PAULINE: I support hardworking Australians.

HOST: Not technically yes or no. Do you own or benefit from investment properties?

PAULINE: The mainstream media –

HOST: Again, not yes or no. Any beneficial interests through trusts or companies?

PAULINE: Look, what Australians really care about –

HOST: Timer’s gone.

HOST: Prime Minister: Can Australians buy a house on an average wage anymore?

ALBANESE: We’re investing in supply.

HOST: That sounds suspiciously like “no.”

HOST: Overdone Angus: How many nuclear reactors?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Enough.

HOST: Cost?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Reasonable.

HOST: Timeline?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Optimistic.

HOST: So… imaginary.

(Audience applause.)

CUT TO AUDIENCE QUESTIONS

MAN IN FRONT ROW: Hang on… these questions about trusts and beneficial interests sound exactly like the questions Centrelink asks my daughter.

WOMAN BESIDE HIM: No. Centrelink also asks for evidence.

(Audience erupts.)

FINAL STATEMENTS

ALBANESE: Australia faces challenges, but we’re making responsible progress.

OVERDONE ANGUS: The Coalition has a long-term vision for Australia.

HOST: Does it have costings?

OVERDONE ANGUS: Let’s not get distracted by negativity.

WATERS:Housing should not exist primarily as a speculative asset class.

(Three property investors faint simultaneously.)

PAULINE: I am being silenced by the woke establishment.

HOST: Senator, you have spoken uninterrupted for sixteen consecutive minutes.

CLOSING NARRATION

The penguin observed that humans had created an extraordinary civilisation.

The powerless were expected to explain every dollar with receipts, timestamps and supporting documentation.

The powerful often considered the question itself to be oppression.

The penguin suspected this explained rather a lot about human history.

(Fade out to dramatic music and a sponsored message from a multinational gas company about “community values.”)