In a statement that caused historians to briefly consider early retirement, Donald Trump has declared himself “the most powerful person to ever live.”
The announcement was delivered with trademark confidence, minimal irony, and the quiet conviction that human history really got interesting around 2015.
Experts struggled to respond in suitable academic language. Many simply landed on “blatant delusion.”
Historians politely noted that the phrase “ever” is doing some extraordinarily heavy lifting. The competition has historically included emperors who ruled multiple continents, leaders who redrew the world map, and conquerors who didn’t feel the need to live-tweet their greatness every twelve minutes.
One academic summed it up neatly:
“It’s not that he isn’t powerful. It’s just that ‘ever’ is working overtime in that sentence.”
Trump elaborated helpfully: “Nobody’s ever been more powerful. Not even close. People are saying it.”
When pressed on who these “people” were, sources confirmed the list includes:
• A mirror
• A Truth Social account at 2:37am
• A very enthusiastic man named Gary from Florida
• And the entire population of Patagonia
Critics argue that real power tends to be quiet, strategic, and occasionally involves reading briefing papers that don’t feature your own face on every page. Supporters reject this as “elitist,” insisting that unshakeable self-belief is a legitimate governing philosophy.
As one supporter put it while wearing a shirt depicting the President riding a velociraptor through a thunderstorm: “If you believe you’re the most powerful, you are. That’s just science. Or spirit. Whatever doesn’t require a library card.”
In a surprising development, several historical figures declined to comment – mostly because they’re dead.
In related news, a house cat in Kenya has declared itself the apex predator of all time, and a bloke named Wozza at a Melbourne pub remains convinced he could’ve gone pro if not for that knee injury in ’09.
Here’s the thing: there’s something almost endearing about claims so spectacularly over-the-top they collapse under their own weight. It’s like watching someone try to high-jump the moon. You don’t get angry – you just pull up a chair and appreciate the sheer commitment to the bit.
And in its own strange way, that’s oddly comforting. Confidence and reality don’t always share a postcode – but at least the show is entertaining.
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If people didn’t already know that Trump is completely fucked in the head, they should be now disabused.
Roswell I noticed there was no use of the word “satire” at the top of your article,but then again there’s nothing funny about this imbecile.
“The Most Powerful Person To Ever Live”
Reminds me of the young man entering a gym. The gym junkie, rippling with muscle says to him, ” I can bench-press 125kg, what can you do?”
The young man after some reflection replys, “I can read!”
He is! Trump is… he has the longest roger, the biggest wealth accounts, the most hair per cubic dream, the most sweet wives, all still virgins, the most uni degrees (per a special Vinnies a/c.) the tallest shoe inserts, the greatest vocab ( of certified mumbles and flaws) and the most greatest greats. Friends?? They tell him all the time, “Sir, if you didn’t exist, we’d have to invent you.” but, HE did that already.
He may well be, but only because he is financed, supported and encouraged by very wealthy US figures – mostly white men, businesses owned by them, and media companies that portray him as not being able to do any wrong.
He has no power on or of his own.
My ‘comments’ are unprintable!
In response to Terry Mills:That reminds me of the period when a bunch of writers were living in Italy, including Truman Capote. Of an evening they’d all meet up for drinks and dinner. One night, a very productive, best-selling author that Capote clearly disliked, turned to him and said:
“Today I wrote 5000 words. FIVE THOUSAND. How many did you write, Truman?”
Capote replies: “Oh, just one. But it was the RIGHT word.”
The Chumps trademarks are 100% lies and the fact that everything he does/build/makes/etc is simply the best in the world, the best ever seen, the best in history. It seems to be what “gets him off” and as long as he thinks so it must be true. Not a single Republican is there to just tell him to his face he is a delusional fuckwit, nor anyone else for that matter.
“my name is Ozymandias – King of Kings;
look on my works , ye mighty, and despair!”
Death took him anyway
@ uncletimrob: “…supported and encouraged by very wealthy US figures – mostly white men….”
You didn’t include wealthy, (mostly blonde), mid-aged, Judeo-WASP-ish, lonely women who seem to think their feminine wiles and money not only control him but also renders him a trophy worth having! Maybe they are the Most Foolish to think that they have captured the Most Powerfull.
Roswell,
I believe you meant to say “The Most Poo Filled Person…” that is unless you were being polite so he wouldn’t slap a tariff on your house.
Be greatful for Trump.
Now we know who God is taking her orders from.
OMFG. The ceaseless pretension, pompous arrogance, childish bragging and boasting, the bombastic self aggrandisement and exaggeration, the insults, the threats, the contradictory, barely coherent rambling, the easily debunked lies! Is it dementia or some other form of mental illness?