A Very Special New Year’s Message to all “Radical Left Scum”

Dearest radical left scum,

What a holiday glow-up! Thanks to a certain festive bulletin from the highest office in the known universe, we were officially acknowledged in President Trump’s Christmas message:

“Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum…”

We were deeply moved. Touched, even. To be singled out with such poetic flair amid the tinsel and tidings – it was the inclusion we had all been dreaming of.

So now that we’ve been knighted (or slimed?) with this prestigious title, let’s own it as we slither into 2026. From one card-carrying radical left scum to another: Happy New Year, you magnificent “deplorables” (oops, sorry, that’s the other mob).

Raise your mugs of overpriced oat-milk latte (ethically sourced, obviously), or your thermos of communal herbal infusion. We’ve survived another year of being the villains in someone else’s fever dream.

Let’s recap our most unforgivable crimes of 2025:

• We advanced radical healthcare heresy by insisting sick people shouldn’t die broke.
• We unleashed Cultural Bolshevism via drag queen story hours and libraries that dare to stock books with… ideas.
• We committed eco-terrorism by composting, biking to work, and openly sobbing about melting ice caps (the sentimental weaklings we are).
• Our Antifa black-bloc operations peaked with knitting scarves for the homeless, organising potluck fundraisers, and two genuinely heated arguments about reusable coffee cups, and whether hummus counts as a protein
• We spread the woke mind-virus by saying things such as “trans rights are human rights” and “maybe billionaires could pay a tiny bit more tax.”

And the labels! We’ve been called “groomers” (for supporting inclusive education), “Marxists” (for liking weekends off), and of course the crown jewel: Scum.

But here’s the thing – we’re embracing it like a warm, squishy hug. Because:

Because scum floats to the top – surviving no matter what gets dumped on it.

Scum thrives in decaying systems, feeding on rot to nurture something better.

Scum is the nutrient-rich layer where revolutions sprout – like penicillin from mould, or hope from despair.

In 2026, let’s commit to peak excellence:

• Be the Scum that skim-coats the pond of plutocracy.
• The Scum that gums up the machinery of endless war and corporate greed.
• The Scum behind community fridges in soup kitchens, tenant unions, and those evidence-based policy threads nobody asked for.

May your new year overflow with radical empathy, unapologetic joy, and the sweet schadenfreude of watching authoritarians rage-tweet at windmills.

Here’s to high voter turnout (looking at you, American Scummers), stronger unions, effective mutual aid, and the quiet thrill of knowing we’re the nightmare of fascists everywhere – even if our current uniform is pyjama pants and righteous indignation.

In slimy solidarity, with top-tier scummery,

Happy New Year.

P.S. Group chat update: Revolution bake sale is ON.

Brenda’s gluten-free brownies are mandatory.

Kevin, you’re on vegan lemon bars. No excuses – we’re scummers, not slackers.

Also by Roswell:

I stand with the people of Venezuela

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