By Lachlan J. McKenzie’s Gonzo Intern, caffeinated on Rinehart-brand espresso pods and political spite
Welcome, comrades, to another episode of The Nationals Eat Their Young, now screening live from the colosseum formerly known as Australia’s Parliament House. In today’s blood-splattered matinee, Emperor Barnaby “Biblical Hangover” Joyce presides over a special performance of the Leadership Spill Protocol – a sacred ritual involving betrayal, bear traps, and the gentle sobbing of former leaders.
Front and centre we find David “I Swear I’m Still Relevant” Littleproud, mid-air, mid-spill, mid-career-suicide, clutching a flaming scroll titled “Moderate Climate Policy” – the last known copy in the wild before it’s permanently archived under “Things We Tried Before the Backbench.” Below him yawns a pit labeled “Irrelevance”, generously sponsored by every regional voter who realised the Nats haven’t built a road since Mabo.
Above, in the VIP Box of Delusion, former leader Michael “Remember Me?” McCormack waves his comeback credentials in the form of a foam finger and unsettling eye twitch. Matt Canavan, cosplaying as a coal miner again (despite not knowing which end of the shovel digs), cheers while toting his favourite toy: the Sports Rorts Calculator™️, calibrated for pork-barrel precision. Beside him, Bridget “Guns for Grants” McKenzie rain-dances with chaos tokens.
And in the shadows, as ever, lurks Gina Rinehart – mother of minerals, queen of Quiet Australians, and shadow-treasurer of the party’s soul. She tosses gold coins into the abyss with all the subtlety of a Bond villain. Her purse says “Funding for Loyalty,” and we’re fairly certain it doubles as a coalition policy incubator. A small, sobbing koala clings to her shoulder – either a visual metaphor or another PR stunt for saving the bush while funding its destruction.
Meanwhile, a vulture with Peter Dutton’s face circles overhead, gleefully clutching a ballot marked “Merge with One Nation?” – because if you can’t lead from the front, you may as well make Pauline Hanson your VP and try again with matching merch.
The crowd chants “Spill! Spill! Spill!” while the ghost of rural integrity quietly weeps into a can of expired drought relief.
Moral of the story? If you’re a moderately reasonable National with climate credentials and policy ambition, best keep a parachute handy and avoid standing on anything labeled “Rural Angst.”
Because in the Nationals’ Hunger Games, there are no winners. Just future Sky News panellists.
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Are there any less intelligent F-Tards willing to work for the Nationals??? Otherwise let’s hang in for the dumb, fossilised Nationalist Fools who always end up standing for the Flag! If we wait for the the decline of the Dinosaurs, we may yet end up looking forward for a Native Mammmal’s survival! Let’s hope a Platypus might find an ecosystem worth nesting for!
Let’s fight Religious Fundamentalism! There is no future in Religious hatred.
All Religion is based on division: Let’s stop believing in Mythology and start believing in Society.
Lachie, you bet your arse,some of us have been singing this song for fucking years.Then again , some of us have been concentrating on how smart we are.
The National’s ministers contribute sweet FA, yet poke out their trembling hand for
their taxpayer dollars.
It’s time that our PM cut them from all future taxpayers salary remuneration.