TERMS & CONDITIONS OF DIGITAL EXISTENCE

Effective Date: Upon first click, tap, scroll, or stare.
Last Updated: Constantly, yet you’re unaware.

PLEASE READ THESE TERMS, THOUGH WE KNOW YOU WILL NOT.
BY SIMPLY EXISTING, YOU’RE ALREADY CAUGHT.

1. INTRODUCTION & AGREEMENT TO TERMS
1.1. Welcome, dear user, to our digital domain, where we track what you love, and exploit what’s ingrained.
1.2. By browsing, engaging, or simply just living, you grant us full rights, we take without giving.
1.3. Should you object, feel free to refrain, though your data persists, and our claim will remain.

2. COLLECTION & MONETISATION OF USER DATA
2.1. Your data’s not yours, it’s our golden mine, and each bit of behaviour is profit in kind.
(a) Your searches, your secrets, the thoughts you suppress, the things that you buy, your levels of stress.
(b) Your voice, your expressions, the tilt of your screen, the content you crave, the sites in between.
(c) Your fingerprints, patterns, how long you delay before clicking an ad, yes, we track that, hooray!
2.2. You hereby agree, without knowing, of course, to let us exploit you without due remorse.
2.3. Your clicks, likes, and follows, your very own being, are part of the product that companies are seeing.

3. USER RIGHTS & OWNERSHIP (YOU HAVE NONE, WE DO)
3.1. Your content, your photos, the words that you write, belong to us now, yes, that sounds right.
3.2. We may repackage, rework, and revise, and turn you to data before your own eyes.
3.3. Your account may be closed, but don’t be naive, your profile remains, though you choose to leave.

4. PSYCHOLOGICAL & BEHAVIORAL OPTIMISATION
4.1. Your feed is designed to keep you engaged, to scroll and consume, enraged or amazed.
4.2. We tweak your emotions, the things that you see, ensuring you’re hooked, as lost as can be.
4.3. Our ads know your cravings before you do, predicting, persuading, and shaping you too.

5. CONSENT & NON-CONSENT (THEY’RE THE SAME HERE)
5.1. You’ve agreed to these terms the moment you spoke, the instant you clicked, the time that you woke.
5.2. Consent is assumed, as there’s nowhere to sign, and opting out simply falls out of line.
5.3. Even in sleep, you leave us your trace, we capture, we store, we analyse pace.

6. LIABILITY & WAIVER OF CLAIMS
6.1. No claims, no refunds, no courtroom debates, your data is ours, such wonderful fates!
6.2. If we deceive, manipulate, lie, your only recourse is scroll on and comply.
6.3. You waive all rights, you surrender your say, your data’s now fuel for the marketing fray.

7. TERMINATION & DATA PERSISTENCE
7.1. You may delete, erase, or refrain, but your presence remains in our targeted chain.
7.2. When you have passed, your data lives on, resold and repurposed, forever withdrawn.
7.3. Your children’s devices, their habits, their minds, will mirror the trails you’ve left behind.

8. FINAL ACKNOWLEDGMENT & COMPLIANCE
8.1. By reading, by scrolling, by merely existing, you’ve signed on the line, no need for insisting.
8.2. You are not priceless, your worth’s on display, each click, each moment, all led astray.
8.3. The truth isn’t hidden, it’s clear and bizarre: you’re not flesh, not blood, but data in a jar.

BY PROCEEDING, YOU ACCEPT THESE TERMS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR DATA. ENJOY YOUR ALGORITHM-CURATED LIFE.

Also by Roger Chao: The Nurse Who Became a Surgeon

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