You are strongly advised to STOCK UP ON TRUMP MERCH NOW!

Dear Consumer,

We would like to make you an offer. You will not want to reject this offer. You have received this piece of correspondence because the US federal government loves you deeply and dearly AND KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. And we have noticed that you are falling behind your peers.

Like everyone on the planet, we know that you absolutely love and adore the Don and have found it difficult to find enough Trump themed merchandise to fill your life. As a result, there is still open wall space in your house that could contain posters of the great man, many of your home appliances are still not Trump endorsed, and there are still large expanses of silence in your life that might otherwise contain recordings of his guidance and good advice. But all these regrettable deficiencies can soon be rectified. We understand that this is likely just an oversight.

Additionally, we also note there is plenty of room for many more statues and busts of the great leader in the garden and along the driveway. Consider, if you install a Great Leader Post Box, then while you might not be the first in your street, at least it will concretely demonstrate that you are keeping up with the crowd (which we strongly suggest is a very good idea).

So, this totally not at all official note of advice has been promulgated to remind the eager throngs of MAGA yearning consumers in general – not just you in particular – that there is a huge range of Trump themed merchandise just waiting for purchase. (Also to once again categorically deny that we are compiling lists of people – such as yourself – who still have thousands of dollars in the bank that you have wantonly and greedily not yet spent on Trump themed merchandise. That would be very much like compiling a list of enemies, and we do not do things like that. Ever. At all.)

Anyway, there is still time to do your patriotic bit for God, Trump, working families, and Making America Great Again. It will only take you a moment to go online, make a quick purchase, and not be on one of the lists that we are definitely not compiling.

You will be amazed. There’s so much wonderful stuff to choose from. There is a suitable MAGA accompaniment for every space, place and occasion in your life. You can buy a twelve-inch Donald Trump action figure that will fill your day with Trumpian wisdom (maybe one for every room in the house?). Or how about a pillow for the couch with HIS beaming face on both sides? Or Trumpian themed socks, caps, mugs, posters, clogs, tee-shirts, medallions, coins, birthday cards or wrapping paper? A full-length portrait on the benchtop? Or on the ceiling? Of course, these just provide a bare foundation for any good home décor scheme.

Most of us long for an eight-foot statue of our beacon of truth and beauty, with a bald eagle perched on his arm, standing in the hallway. It can be yours for less than a thousand dollars (and postage). Plus, always remember that your super-patriot car seat covers, Trump truck balls, and auto-MAGA flags, can be quickly and relatively cheaply supplemented with ‘I love MAGA’ stickers running down each side of your chariot of righteousness. Moreover, a Donald as King hood-ornament is an absolute must (at least for anyone who doesn’t like being pulled over frequently).

Also, it is essential to remember that you can buy tickets to attend Trump rallies regardless of whether you will attend or not. Don’t worry about overpaying as it all goes to a good cause. Every spare cent that Trump Corp receives goes immediately towards supporting the poor and disadvantaged, digging new oil wells off the coast of California, and feeding starving millionaires and billionaires, and other worthy causes. Donald Trump never takes a cent for himself. True. (No, really!)

Moreover, if you feel the need for Trump to be wrapped around your groin 24/7 – and who doesn’t? – you can buy Trump embossed underwear with red, white and blue frills and a little orange tail. How could any red-blooded person (who wants to remain healthy) resist?

Or how about a bedside lamp depicting Trump as the Statue of Liberty? A spa-bath with Trump staring up through the bubbles? Mirrors with small images of our great leader in the corner (to remind us all to emulate his perfect physique)? How about Trump shaped sweets for the kids? Anything that you can imagine is already available.

Just flick through the brochure, make a purchase, and you will be pleased. Men will be entirely strong, manly and grateful. Women will be demure, godly, and grateful. (There will be nothing in between.)

We all long to live in a completely Trump themed world, while being firmly but fairly ruled by Trump themed governments, and consuming endless quantities of Trump themed consumables and comestibles. Now we can all live our dreams for a remarkably small downpayment (terms and conditions apply).

So, thank you for your rapt and entirely voluntary attention. Our lovely salesforce is manning the phones right now and if you are one of the first to ring, we can guarantee that you will definitely not be on a list that we are most definitely not compiling. (All payment options accepted including souls and pounds of flesh).

Thank you

Mr E Bastard

Trump Corp Merchandising & Surveillance

 

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