Categories: AIM Extra

Welcoming our esteemed visitors from Planet X

I said “Take me to your leader,” not “Take me to your loser.”

(A response to: Strongest hints yet of biological activity outside the solar system, University of Cambridge)

About one hundred and forty-seven light years south of us, circling a huge old red dwarf star, is a newly discovered planet. For the sake of convenience, we will call it Planet X.

In many intriguing ways Planet X is roughly comparable to Earth. While the size and age of our respective stars may differ, it similarly orbits in much the same goldilocks zone; allowing water to be liquid on the surface, dissolve as a gas in the atmosphere, and freeze as ice at the poles. Moreover, it is not too big or too small and it orbits in much the same casual and boring fashion. Which it has been doing for only a couple of billion years longer than us.

All of which is intriguing. But the discovery that has really set Schrodinger’s cat loose amongst the scientific pigeons is that it appears that there is a faint whiff of dimethyl-sulphide [DMS] hanging in its atmosphere. On our planet DMS is produced as a byproduct of rotting plants. There is no other known source. So, scientists are cautiously optimistic. Is this a marker of life?

Of course, like all thinking people I know our scientists are all far too cautious. Therefore, I would like to be among the first to state the bleeding obvious and welcome this discovery of another breed of intelligent life.

Hello, neighbours!

Because you are all highly advanced happy (little, big or massless) entities, I know you will respect our quaint local traditions. So, although it is entirely unnecessary, I know that you will not take offence if I commence our relationship by first going through a few of the basic ground rules that generally apply here in our corner of this secluded galactic mass.

We know that you will have recorded all of our broadcast history on your way over to our region of space, so it is important to warn you that our broadcast media, and our actual world, are entirely unrelated places. Additionally, while you might think that traversing vast distances of interstellar space can be difficult, this just means that you have never encountered what we humans ironically call a ‘government’.

The foundational problem that all sophisticated lifeforms will no doubt immediately need to overcome when they land on our orb, is to grasp that we human beings like being way too organised and disorganised, all at the same time. So, if you ask to be taken ‘to our leader’- you may be led to a farmstead, a hideout, a church, an army base, a palace, a council building, a parliament house, or a large block structure with bars on the windows that may be variously termed a ‘gaol’ or an ‘asylum’.

This is because there are about two-hundred nation states, plus a few non-nation states, scattered around the globe. All with one or more governments of their own. Then all of these states contain yet littler states and territories, all with their very own governments. Plus, there are oodles of local billionaires, all with their very own penis shaped rocket ships and minions, about four or five big religions, all with their own aggregations of devoted followers. Then there are a few hundred-thousand other associations, cults, criminal organisations, media agglomerates, potentates, kingdoms, fiefdoms, territories, and renegade states.

Finally, we come to the many ‘armies’ that are camped out in luxury all about the place and the activity we call ‘warfare’. Which, in effect, is a form of very vigorous diplomacy that helps thin out the poorer citizens from time to time.

You see, as noted earlier, all of this is ultimately a reflection of the way in which we humans like to disorganise ourselves. To ensure that no individual rule might ever stand a chance of not being contradicted, human beings do not just have one set of absolute and inviolable rules, but rather use a different set for every occasion. This provides us with an opportunity to always be able to find just the right exception for every rule. This effectively allows us to believe everything, and nothing, all at once. It’s quite a sleek and unique system of organising data that we call a ‘consciousness’.

Which brings me to another challenging local peccadillo. Humans argue. Invariably. Usually violently. We are a naturally contrary lifeform. It probably results from falling out of so many trees during our slow evolutionary crawl between the primordial forest and the golf club. But whatever the reason, it is always a good idea to book well ahead or you may encounter one of us apes in our primitive state, which is before we have had our morning coffee. This has to be avoided at all costs as it will certainly lead to instant interstellar conflict.

Of course, if you are intending to visit earth then it is surely so you can witness one of the big conflicts between nation states or warring tribes that we put on occasionally. It is the one thing that we do really well. But do not despair, even if you encounter our planet at a time when us apes are not engaged in widespread internecine or international fighting, then just pop back again in a few months. Something pretty drastic is sure to have turned up by then. Unless, of course, you land in a dark age.
Again I find I have to backtrack to fill in a few little cultural details that may evade even our more telepathically inclined trans-dimensional guests. You see, it is not that we humans cannot agree, or that we do not fully understand the silliness of our rather crude and barbarous cultural traditions of occasional ‘open warfare’, it is just that we like to continue to do things the way daddy did. Let me explain.

From time immemorial human culture has ebbed and flowed in a cycle that is not at all beneficial, or even rational, but it nevertheless the way that we do things around here. Moreover, after so many millennia it seems entirely futile to even try and change anything. It has all become pretty much ingrained. We call it ‘instinct’.

The cycle goes like this: first of all we gather together, share resources, and build a lovely settled community on a hill. Then a neighbouring community attacks and burns it all down. Then we build another, bigger, more complex, and far more wondrous community atop a hill, which then attacks all the neighbouring communities, before itself getting attacked, and once more being destroyed. Etc.

This cycle is interspersed with long periods in which not much building or attacking occurs. We call these times ‘dark ages’. But these boring ‘peaceful’ periods only seem to last until we have again gathered enough resources, and built big enough communities, to once again get cracking on a bit more high-level organised international thuggery.

Well that’s about it really. While we cannot really say that we are at all enthusiastic about your potential stay on our planet, if you stick to the rules that we will make up on the spot then you will find that you will have no problems (for as long as twelve minutes at a time).

Oh! One last travel tip. Avoid the place called the United States of America. Even the rest of us humans have entirely failed to work out what this particular group of individuals might think they are up to. But that is a topic for another travel brochure. Stay safe and do not hesitate to complain about everything, all the time, as this will help you fit in seamlessly.

Your funny little humanoid friend: JiMM

PS: we do not have a big show on right now but it looks like several groups are planning a real doozy, very soon. Stay tuned.

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Dr James Moylan

Dr James Moylan – LLB (Hon), BA (Culture), Dr of Phil (Law, SCU) – lives in Lismore, NSW. Dr JiMM has variously been a skid row alcoholic (age 13-27), a Journalist, a Sugar Train Driver, and a researcher on the heritage age god and mineral fields in central Queensland. He has also run a Public Relations firm (Radio Mango Productions, Mackay), has been admitted to the roll of legal practitioners as a solicitor (Qld, 2014), was the President of (the short lived) independent Student Union at Southern Cross University (LEXUS – 2011/2), and is one of the co-founders of the HEMP Party in Australia (along with Micheal Balderstone). Dr JiMM has been happily married to the same gorgeous lady (Sharon) for more than three decades and has one adult daughter (Tayla).