Trump’s War on Woke Words: A Bold Plan to Make America Confused Again

By Lachlan McKenzie

An article in the New York Times; These Words Are Disappearing in the New Trump Administration caught my interest:

“As President Trump seeks to purge the federal government of “woke” initiatives, agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid, according to a compilation of government documents.”

In summary, in a groundbreaking move to “liberate the English language from woke tyranny,” former President Donald Trump has unveiled his latest crusade: the Patriotic Lexicon Purification Initiative (PLPI). The policy mandates the eradication of over 200 “Marxist, gender-confused, tree-hugging” terms from all federal documents, educational materials, and, eventually, everyday conversation. “These words are like termites eating the foundation of American greatness,” Trump declared, while auctioning off the letters “D,” “E,” and “I” to the highest bidder at a Mar-a-Lago gala.

Anyway, I showed the article to a friend, who showed it to his uncle, who showed it to the postie, who showed it to his boss, who showed it to his wife, who showed it a friend’s friend, who showed it to my neighbour, Satirica McFiction*, who came racing over to show it to me.

Satirica, so moved he was by the article, had composed his own interpretation and pleaded with me to share his fine effort:

The New Rules of (Non)Communication

Under PLPI, citizens must now navigate life without the banned vocabulary. Here’s how everyday interactions are adapting:

Healthcare: Doctors can no longer mention “gender-affirming care,” instead referring to it as “that thing we definitely don’t do, but if we did, it’d involve scissors and prayers.” Patients “assigned male at birth” are now “people who used to be called ‘boys’ before wokeness ruined everything.”

Weather Reports: The “Gulf of Mexico” has been renamed “That Big Puddle We Might Drill Into Later.” Meteorologists must attribute hurricanes to “angry air” rather than the “climate crisis,” a term now punishable by forced viewing of a 2004 Trump University infomercial.

Job Listings: “Equal opportunity employer” is replaced with “We hire whoever, probably.” Interviews now feature the mandatory question: “Do you agree that ‘diversity’ is a Satanic plot to make NASCAR boring?”

Education: Where History Goes to Die

Teachers report chaos in classrooms. A seventh-grade biology lesson on reproduction now reads: “Cells do stuff, and then a baby happens. No further questions.” When students ask how slaves built the Capitol, educators must shrug and say, “Hardworking tourists did some light renovation.”

Meanwhile, universities have disbanded sociology departments, replacing them with “Advanced Patriotism Studies,” where students learn to clap loudly at mentions of “freedom” and write dissertations on why “Latinx” is a grammatical war crime.

Social Interactions: A Masterclass in Awkwardness

Citizens struggle to describe basic realities. At a grocery store:

I need… uh… milk that’s been… liquidly extracted from a cow’s… patriotic udder? “Sir, that’s ‘breastfeed people’ milk. You’re under arrest.”

Dating apps now auto-censor profiles

Looking for a… person who enjoys walks and has a… body part that may or may not align with their… vibe. Pronouns: FREEDOM/FRIES.”

Environmental Policy: Clean Energy? Never Heard of Her

The Department of Energy has rebranded “clean energy” as “not-dirty power,” though officials clarify that “dirty” is still acceptable if referring to Hollywood. Scientists studying pollution must call it “freedom particles.”

The Ripple Effect

Sports: ESPN commentators now narrate games as: “The athlete, who we won’t describe biologically, scored a touchdown! Or basket! Whatever!”

Religion: Church signs proclaim, “Love thy neighbour (unless they’re ‘BIPOC,’ which we can’t define anymore).

Politics: Senators debate “that thing where maybe some folks don’t get stuff” instead of “systemic inequity.”

A Nation United in Confusion

Critics argue the policy will erase marginalised voices. Supporters counter, “Marginalised? Never heard of her. Sounds French.” When asked how to address rising inequality without the word “inequity,” Trump’s Word Sanitation Committee suggested: “Just say ‘liberal tantrum’ and move on.”

In a poignant twist, the phrase “sense of belonging” has been replaced with “whatever,” leaving therapists nationwide to conclude sessions with: “You feel bad because… things. Go eat a hamburger.”

Epilogue

As America plunges into a dark age of grunts and hand gestures, one citizen summarised the zeitgeist: “It’s like we’re all trapped in a game of Mad Libs designed by a troll army. But hey, at least we’re not woke!”

*Satirica McFiction is a freelance writer and winner of the 2024 Orwell Award for “Most Accidental Prophecy.”

 

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