The Sunshine State Declares War on Unicorn Farts

DeSantis Signs Landmark Legislation Banning Chemtrails, Leprechauns and Other Aerial Menaces

By “Skylar McCloudrage”, airborne correspondent and accidental inhaler of jet exhaust.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In a bold move against clouds, vapour, and things that go “whoosh” overhead, Florida has passed Senate Bill 56, a sweeping new law criminalising the dispersion of “chemicals, biological agents, or other substances” into the atmosphere for the purposes of modifying weather, blocking sunlight, or making boomers feel unsettled.

You read that right: chemtrails are now officially illegal in Florida, despite the minor hiccup that they don’t actually exist.

It’s a legislative milestone in the fight against science fiction. Today it’s chemtrails. Tomorrow? Tooth Fairy tax evasion investigations. Next week? A dragnet for rogue unicorns loitering outside Planned Parenthoods.

“This is the Sunshine State,” declared Governor Ron DeSantis at a podium flanked by two palm trees and a man in a hazmat suit looking skyward. “We will not allow elites to block our sun, or inject gay weather into our skies.”

The law, which makes unauthorised atmospheric meddling a third-degree felony (punishable by up to five years in prison and a fine of $100,000 per sparkle cloud), comes with a handy hotline for concerned citizens to report suspicious skies. That’s right: if you see a plane contrail, a rainbow, or a cumulonimbus cloud with attitude, call the government. It’s like Crime Stoppers for the delusionally observant.

☁️ SB-56: Because Contrails are Just Clouds with a Secret Agenda

Sponsored by State Senator Ileana Garcia – who bravely stood up to visible condensation trails despite decades of meteorological debunking – the bill is a win for Facebook groups, AM radio personalities, and crystal store owners who have long demanded government action on the rogue cloud mafia.

Critics (also known as scientists) have pointed out that no such atmospheric engineering program exists. Not in Florida, not in the U.S., not even in Australia where the sky is famously upside down.

Meteorologists were reportedly seen banging their heads against Doppler radar terminals across the country.

“This is what happens when you turn conspiracy theory into policy,” sighed Dr. Mike Splitt of Florida Tech. “Next we’ll be passing laws to ban Bigfoot from public libraries.”

🦄 Crimes of the Imaginary

It’s not the first time Florida has taken legislative action on things that aren’t real. In 2019, the state passed a bill defending Christmas from “warfare”. In 2021, they nearly outlawed Critical Race Theory from being whispered in public bathrooms. And now: chemtrails, the bogeyman of every YouTube rabbit hole and tinfoil hat reunion since 2004.

SB‑56 reads like the fever dream of a Reddit thread moderator who got high on Vicks VapoRub.

It criminalises the act of spraying substances to alter the weather, which is awkward given that the U.S. military has engaged in cloud seeding since the Vietnam War, and ski resorts use it to manufacture snow. But that was before it became woke.

“Don’t you see?” muttered one Florida man outside the Tallahassee Capitol. “The chemicals make the frogs trans. They’re geoengineering our vibes.”

When asked if he knew the difference between water vapour and chemicals, he pointed at the sky and screamed.

🧚 Coming Soon to a Legislature Near You…

Insiders say DeSantis is already considering “Phase II”, which includes:

• A ban on Easter Bunny infiltration of public schools
• Mandatory licensing for leprechaun gold distribution
• A statewide task force on fairy dust addiction
• And a new offense: Flying While Whimsical

In a leaked memo, one aide reportedly floated a future amendment that would legalise punching a Pegasus if it looks smug.

As for actual issues like housing affordability, climate change, or that one guy in every Florida HOA who won’t take his Christmas lights down in June – those remain unaddressed. But rest assured: the skies are safe.

Final Thoughts from the Gonzo Skunkworks

So here we are. In a time of rising sea levels, election interference, and Category 6 hurricanes threatening to spin Florida into the Gulf like a Beyblade, the state’s top legislative priority is… invisible mind-control clouds.

Call it what you want: misdirection, mass psychosis, or political cosplay. But Florida has now enshrined a fantasy into law.

And somewhere in the Everglades, a lonely unicorn just got slapped with a $100,000 fine.

* * * * *

Also by Lachlan McKenzie:

 

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