The MAGA Essay Mandate

When I saw the headline, “New Federal Employees Must Pen Essays Glorifying Trump’s Policies,” I thought it was satire. Nope, it’s real, and the media’s having a field day. I’m already picturing the Trump administration’s revamped Federal Employee Welcome Kit, complete with a mandatory “Ode to MAGA” essay. Is this a loyalty test or just Trump’s version of “hiring with flair”? I’m leaning toward the latter.

As luck would have it, I’m job hunting, and this application process looks like a breeze. The selection criteria are a masterpiece of simplicity:

1.  Explain how life got better without Obama. (My spin: A soulful essay on how 2017 brought newfound joy. Bonus points for slipping in “Trump made it happen.”)

2.  Show mastery of The Art of the Executive Order. (Easy. I’ll dissect Trump’s Truth Social posts like they’re Shakespearean sonnets.)

3.  Prove you understand maths. (Piece of cake: Just nod when they say Trump’s inauguration crowd dwarfed Obama’s. I’m scouring eBay for a “Sean Spicer-certified crowd-size calculator” as I write.)

Now, the loyalty letter. I’m going with a “How Trump Rescued Me from Liberalism” vibe. Here’s my draft:

Dear President Trump,

I confess: I once fell for the lies of clean energy and progressive tax codes. Then, like a bolt from the Mar-a-Lago sky, your brilliance hit me. That golden Trump Tower shimmer rewired my brain. True leadership, I now see, is about 3 a.m. ALL-CAPS tweets and policy reveals on Hannity’s prime-time slot.

The first time I heard “Make America Great Again,” my heart sang. Your knack for saying “China” with that perfect blend of scorn and dealmaker swagger? Iconic. (This video of you saying “China” deserves an Academy Award for the Best Documentary.) Your fiscal genius shines through – like when you kept taxpayer-funded golf cart rentals to a lean $1.6 million. And don’t get me started on your diplomatic wizardry; Kim Jong Un nearly cracked a smile, and that’s Nobel material.

While others churn out boring CVs, I offer this tribute to your legacy. Only you could make “stable genius” a job requirement. Only you could sell $60 Bibles and make it feel like a sermon. You didn’t just build a border wall – you built a movement.

I renounce my past follies (like that time I composted) and vow to:

•  Call CNN “fake news” in every work email.

•  Gauge crowd sizes with passion, not numbers.

•  Carry a wad of $1,000 notes for spontaneous Trump gear purchases.

•  Include a link to your “China” video in all emails to President Xi of China, China China.

•  Set my desktop wallpaper to your mugshot (a true masterpiece).

•  Sign all reports with a Sharpie, per tradition.

•  Not only go along with all your crazy conspiracies, but tweet them in capitals every bathroom visit.

Make Me Great Again,

Roswell, reformed patriot

PS: If I land an interview, I’ll bring my “Constitutional Crisis Bingo” card – just in case.

 

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