If You Want To Restore A Great American Dream, You Can’t Be Woke!

Listening to Donald Trump, I came to understand what’s wrong with being woke. If you’re woke, then someone’s stopped you from sleeping and once that happens then you stop dreaming and Mr Trump wants to restore the Great American Dream and you can’t have a dream if you’re woke, so that’s why he needs to stop all these people from being woke because then they won’t be asleep and the Great American Dream will be dead…

At least that’s why I took away from his address to Congress… Mind you, I didn’t listen to all of it – and not just because it put me to sleep… which doesn’t mean that I’m safe from Elon telling me that I’m woke…

No, after a few minutes I figured that I had the general idea:

• Things were bad, but now they’re good. In fact, they’re better than good, they’re great. No president has ever done this much this quickly and he was able to quote a lot of things he’d done and a lot of people who thought that he’d done them really, really beautifully, but not the Democrats because they’re the sort of people who he can’t make happy because they’re not happy people, unlike his supporters who were so happy four years ago that they marched on Congress and happily embraced everyone they met with a “Day of Love”…
• Elon Musk is working very hard and he “didn’t need this”. Musk is the cat running DOGE. I say “cat” because like the famous non-existent one in Schrodinger’s thought experiment, Elon is both in charge of DOGE and not in charge of DOGE. DOGE, of course, being the Department of Government Efficiency. A bureau which was newly created because certain people felt that there were too many bureaucracies so they needed a new one to decided which of these bureaucracies were unelected people doing very little to help Make America Great. DOGE has found the best way to check whether something is necessary is to eliminate it and, if there’s suddenly a problem, you need to put it back quickly and hope that nobody noticed… But hey, we’re moving quickly so of course there’ll be mistakes and we’re ok with that, even if it costs because we’re saving you, the taxpayer money, even if it costs you, the private citizen, your job and your life savings. We’re ok with anything that makes us money really, because that’s what this country needs: richer billionaires.
• The tariffs will make America rich but there’ll be a little disturbance but he’s ok with that because it makes the stock market go up and down and if you know when he’s going to make an announcement about tariffs, you can make a killing by shorting stocks or buying them up. This is called “insider trading” and is illegal but only if you do it in a country where the people doing it aren’t actually the ones making all the money from it.
• There are people over 115 getting social security checks. It’s been suggested that this is not accurate and reflects a glitch in the computer system rather than something that’s actually happening, but that doesn’t sound as outrageous, so we won’t bother with that and just repeat the misinformation. The glitch could be fixed but it was decided that it was too expensive for very little benefit, which should please the DOGs of Government Efficiency because they feel the same way about things like healthcare.

Of course, Mr Trump is doing a lot more than this. He’s told Europe that if they don’t pay for protection then they can’t expect him to help them if some person should decide that they’re unprotected. “Nice country you’ve got here; it’d be a shame if something happened to it, but I think I can convince people to leave it alone if you just pay me protection money!”

I’m being unfair! That makes Trump sound like some sort of mob boss, and whatever you may think of the politics and the ethics, at least mob bosses knew what they were doing and you had some sort of confidence that you could keep on their right side by paying them money. I mean, we just gave the US a downpayment on the submarines that’ll be obsolete by the time they deliver them sometime in the 23rd Century, and that’s still not enough for them to explain that Australia is a special friend. I could say that we should be a friend with benefits, but that usually is a euphemism for the fact that you’re fucking without commitment… which, when I think about it, is exactly what Trump intends to do to us…

Yes, it’s all very confusing. There a dozens of people suggesting that Trump is actually working for the Russians even though there’s no actual proof in the form of anything that would stand up in court. But to be quite clear here: I know that many people have suggested that Trump is a Russian asset but I’d argue that there’s never been any evidence to suggest that one could ever call Trump “an asset”!!

 

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