How Car Lobbyists, Political Cowards, and a SkyBus Cult Kept us Stuck in Traffic Since the ‘70s

Article (Snark Edition):

Let’s talk about Victoria’s transport “planning” – a term used very loosely here, like calling a Vegemite-coated toothpick a “gourmet canapé”. For decades, Melbourne’s infrastructure strategy has resembled a toddler’s finger-painting: chaotic, incoherent, and suspiciously sticky. Here’s why we’re still arguing about trains, roads, and whether the airport is secretly in another dimension.

1. The Suburban Rail Loop: Because Apparently ‘Radial Networks’ Are a Euphemism for ‘Hellscape’

Melbourne’s existing rail network was designed in the 1800s by people who thought “peak hour” meant a particularly lively horse race. The CBD-centric system forces everyone into a single, sweaty funnel, like sardines cosplaying as commuters. Enter the Suburban Rail Loop (SRL) – a $125B plan to drag us kicking and screaming into the 21st century. It’ll connect suburbs so far apart they might as well be in different time zones (looking at you, Cheltenham to Werribee).

Who hates it?

Toll Road Titans: Companies like Transurban, who’d sell their grandmothers for another lane on CityLink.

Political Dinosaurs: The federal Coalition, who planned to axe $2.2B from the SRL because “trains are socialism” (actual quote pending).

NIMBYs: The same folks who’ll complain about traffic and oppose any construction near their “heritage-listed” rose bushes.

2. Ring Roads: Melbourne’s Answer to ‘Connect the Dots’ (But We Lost the Pen)

Victoria’s freeway network has more gaps than ScoMo’s climate policy. The North East Link – finally closing the “missing link” in our orbital ring – has been delayed so long, the original planners are probably haunting Parliament as ghosts. Meanwhile, the M80 upgrades are adding “smart tech”, which in VicRoads-speak means “hoping the traffic lights work this time”.

Why’s it taken 50 years?

Blame the 1969 Melbourne Transportation Plan, a masterclass in car-worship that treated public transport like a leper colony. Priorities included:

• Bulldozing neighbourhoods for freeways ✅
• Pretending trains don’t exist ❌
• Assuming petrol would never run out 🤡

3. Airport Rail: Melbourne’s Greatest Embarrassment Since That Time We Ran Out of Beer at the Grand Final

Imagine being the only city in the developed world where getting to the airport requires a $70 Uber ride, a SkyBus pilgrimage, or a blood oath with a mate who owns a ute. The proposed Airport Rail has been “coming soon” since Jeff Kennett was relevant. The latest plan? A line that’ll open in 2033 – just in time for our grandkids to use it!

Who’s sabotaging it?

SkyBus Shareholders: They’ve built a cult following around their overpriced shuttle. All hail the sacred “Bus Lane”.

Sunshine NIMBYs: “But the noise!” they cry, while living next to a literal airport.

Why Has This Taken So Damn Long? A Forensic Breakdown

Car Lobbyists: Big Oil and toll operators have spent decades bribing – sorry, lobbying – governments to keep us addicted to petrol.

Political Spinelessness: Building a rail line takes longer than one election cycle, and why risk your job when you can just… not?

Collective Amnesia: Every time a project is announced, we all forget the last 10 failed ones. This time it’ll work! Pinky promise!

Who Benefits from This Mess?

Transurban: The toll road overlords who’d charge you $50 to drive to your own driveway if they could.

SkyBus: The “temporary” airport shuttle that’s outlived disco, Blockbuster, and common sense.

Boomers Who ‘Got Theirs’: “I bought my house in 1985 for three pineapples – why should I care about your train?”

Final Snark:

Melbourne’s transport saga is a tragicomedy where the villains win, the heroes are underfunded, and the audience is stuck on the Monash. But hey, at least we’ll always have SkyBus. Right?

 

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