Dutton’s Genius Plan: Replace TAFE with ‘GINAs’ – Where Aussie Kids Can Train to Be Fossil Fuel Serfs for $2 an Hour!

By Satirica McSnarkington

In a bold move that has left the nation breathless with admiration (or maybe just breathless), Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has unveiled his visionary plan to revolutionise Australian education: technical colleges. Yes, you read that right. Forget TAFE, that socialist relic where plebs learn “skills” and “get jobs.” Dutton’s brand-new idea – which he definitely didn’t steal from 1963 – is to privatise the concept of “learning” entirely, because why fund public institutions when you can funnel cash to mates and rename exploitation “innovation”?

Introducing GINAs!

The crown jewel of Dutton’s masterstroke is the Global Institute for Nextgen Advancement (GINAs), a cutting-edge network of private technical colleges designed to produce “dedicated employees” (pronounced “indentured labourers”) for Australia’s most needy corporations – like coal giants and fracking barons. For just $2 a day, students will receive world-class training in critical fields such as:

• Advanced Bootlicking (How to say “Yes, Sir!” in 10 corporate dialects).
• Tear Extraction (Mastering the art of squeezing sympathy from the public while mining their backyards).
• Climate Denial Rhetoric (Beginner to Advanced gaslighting: “Emissions? What emissions?”)

“TAFE is so last century,” Dutton barked at a press conference, flanked by Gina Rinehart’s hologram and a man in a hi-vis vest labeled “Token Working-Class Prop.” “Why let Australians learn useless trades like nursing or renewable energy engineering when they could be thrilled to drill holes for oligarchs? GINAs will ensure our youth are properly motivated – by crippling debt and the existential dread of climate collapse!”

But Wait, There’s More!

Sources confirm the policy draft includes a generous 90% subsidy for fossil fuel companies to “sponsor” GINA campuses, with bonus tax breaks for every student who signs a lifetime loyalty oath to their corporate overlord. “It’s a win-win!” gushed a Murdoch Media spokesperson. “Kids get exposure to real-world poverty, and shareholders get a fresh crop of human resources too desperate to unionise!”

Labor Reacts (Between Facepalms)

PM Anthony Albanese, when asked for comment, reportedly sighed, “At least he didn’t say ‘nuke the TAFEs’… yet.” Meanwhile, Greens Leader Adam Bandt tweeted, “Breaking: Dutton’s brain cell count downgraded to ‘half’ by Moody’s.”

The Future is Bright (And Full of Gaslights)

With GINAs poised to redefine “education” as “slavery with a PowerPoint presentation,” Australians can look forward to a bold new era where ‘public’ is a dirty word, mates get richer, and your child’s career peak is being “Employee of the Month” at a Clive Palmer-owned quarry.

Enrol now! (Disclaimer: Tuition fees non-refundable. Soul-sucking mandatory.)

 

Dear reader, we need your support

Independent sites such as The AIMN provide a platform for public interest journalists. From its humble beginning in January 2013, The AIMN has grown into one of the most trusted and popular independent media organisations.

One of the reasons we have succeeded has been due to the support we receive from our readers through their financial contributions.

With increasing costs to maintain The AIMN, we need this continued support.

Your donation – large or small – to help with the running costs of this site will be greatly appreciated.

You can donate through PayPal or credit card via the button below, or donate via bank transfer: BSB: 062500; A/c no: 10495969